Pre-job Anxiety

I have spent the last week dealing with a constant level of anxiety.  I was first worried that the background check would fail or the training date would be pushed back.  Then it was the details of when, where, and what to wear.  I got that info yesterday and today.  But still freaking out.

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The info from the company I’ll be working at was definitely anxiety inducing.  The dress code info was pretty straight forward but the stuff about tardiness and absences was off putting.  It read to me as if one tardy/absence and that’s it.  Well, three and you’re fired.  I understand about being on time and what not.  But I remember dealing with those certain assholes at evil security company who wanted me to be early so they could force themselves into my pants.  Yes, that’s sexual harassment but it didn’t matter.  Just be early; your personal safety isn’t important.  Or expecting you twenty minutes early to do shift change THAT I DON’T GET PAID FOR.  I’m not spending nearly an hour of my personal time at work when I’m not getting paid.  That’s theft.

I guess I’m worried that this job will be just like evil security company.  I know it isn’t because this is customer service, not security, but with how bad it got and the long time between being fired there and being hired here, I’m still waiting for the ax to drop.  Plus, I never really got closure to all the garbage they put me through.  Some of that same garbage is still going on and even encouraged so they get away with murder and I got burned.

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Though I’m still grateful I no longer have to work there or deal with those idiots and assholes.

But still freaking out.  I can keep reminding myself that is a new job, that the wording is lawyerese, that this is nothing like evil security company, that I’m just stressed from not having a job for over two years and everyone treating me like a failure because of it, that they chose to hire me to do this job, I’m still going to anxious.  But I can handle it. The weather hasn’t helped either. 

It doesn’t help that I found out yesterday that my other grandmother died.  Or that I was raised with impossible standards and expectations.  I was set up to fail and still fear failure because failure has always been an opportunity for people to hurt me.  I fail, I get hurt, badly.  Failure was and is never an option.  I must succeed and exceed so much beyond success to be considered successful. Otherwise, I’m always a failure.  Which is what everyone wants me to me.

I’ve honestly considered,  heavily considered, quitting the job, even before I start.  I know that’s messed up but that’s how I feel.  But then I would be without a job and then my parents would hate me even more.   So I’ll still work the job, for now.  But I’m that stressed out, anxious about it.

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(I like the fact that Autofill suggests assholes and spells it correctly.  Maybe it just knows and understands that sometimes assholes is the best word.)

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