Archive for August, 2015

Well, That’s That

I got let go from my job this morning.  On one hand, it totally sucks because it was a great place to work. On the other hand, my anxiety has been so bad for the last month that being let go may be a good thing.  At least there is the option of being able to go back in a year.

So now I’m looking for work again.  Hopefully something better and doesn’t cause my anxiety to flare so bad.

And I have to remember to keep any struggling or issues I may have to myself.

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The Differences

I like the trainer we have at work.  He doesn’t make me feel like an idiot and he didn’t chew me out over my login lock out.  He just fixed it instead and didn’t make a big deal about it.  And he fixed it in 48 hours.  Unlike evil security company which I had to fight to fix the email and they wrote me up for something that was completely out of my control.  Evil security company was the one at fault for screwing up but instead of owning up they blamed me and wrote me up.

It’s just that evil security company has permanently screwed me up.  I keep waiting for the shoe to drop, the threats of being written up, the harassment.

But things are looking up as I stated in a previous post.  But I’m still going to be cautious.

Laundry and Anxiety

No, laundry doesn’t cause me anxiety.  I’m currently doing laundry at the laundromat. I finally had the money to do laundry properly instead of in the bathroom sink.  Don’t get me wrong, doing laundry in the sink isn’t hard but you can do more at the laundromat.

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Wheeeee! Washer: an amusement park ride for clothes.

And who doesn’t like clean clothes? And sheets and pillow cases?

A nice boring Saturday even if it is humid.  Ehh, no big deal.

But the anxiety has started to lessen this week.  While I felt I was nearly late for work yesterday  (I wasn’t  since I leave so early), I wasn’t so stressed out.  Thursday I even had an appetite when I got home from work which was good since I hadn’t really been hungry for the last two weeks.  And even though I felt late yesterday there wasn’t someone breathing down my neck about being on time or getting after me about how I’m disrespecting my coworkers by being late (as in not being twenty minutes early but only ten). 

I’m treated like an actual adult here and not a micromanaged child.  I’m not being set up to fail.  Yes, there are expectations but they aren’t unreasonable unlike those at evil security company.  Here they encourage you to ask for help and you aren’t dinged for doing so.  I’m still afraid that this is all a facade and that I’ll screw up and the reality will come out and it will be exactly like evil security company.

Half Way Through

So I’m halfway through my training.  Work itself isn’t that bad but the drive there in the morning (not that the actual drive though) is the worst.  I was in tears this morning, thankfully not for very long though.   But I’ve have constant anxiety and the feeling of a rock sitting in my stomach. 

I’ve got this constant feeling of unease that just doesn’t go away.  So I’m stressed and anxious.  I keep expecting this job to turn into evil security company and am waiting for the micromanagement to happen along with the ridiculous write ups and the constant criticism and complaints.  I expect bad because that’s all I’ve ever experienced and so that’s all I expect.  Good is not something I deserve so dealing with it stresses me out.

I’m taking it one day at a time but I’m so anxious that I still just want to walk out and never go back.  And it’s not the work or the company.  It’s all the abuse and harassment evil security company put me through.  I keep expecting it even though there is no sign of it happening but doesn’t mean anything because evil security company was okay until they put me through hell.

I just hate how I feel. 

End of The Week

I’m glad it’s Friday and this week is over. 

I was so pissed in class this morning that I walked out.  It looked like a bathroom break but it was me walking out on all the idiocy.  The class was only half full since some were shadowing but the two big idiots were still there.  And the woman was so invasive and rude.  I had to walk out.  Hell, I was fighting tears.  This wasn’t fucking brain surgery but this idiot (I really need to come up with a moniker for her) refused to shut up and listen and kept talking and talking and talking and talking.

I did end up in tears after I got in my car after all that shit. I finally got the call about my dripping bathroom sink but had my phone turned off all afternoon so didn’t get the voice mail until after 5.    I was crying on the way.  I stopped for food and groceries since I wasn’t wanting to deal with the next door neighbor today.  That helped a little.  But then I get home with a maintenance sign on the door saying they found no issue which sent me back over the edge.  So I guess I’m fixing it myself which is what I had been trying to avoid.  Though I may try the apt manager on Monday.  We’ll see.

And I am still resigned to the job.  At least till I find something better. 

Too long of a week.  I’m glad it’s done.  I hope that woman doesn’t come back because she is just too much. 

Getting Over The Hump Into Thursday

I meant to update yesterday but it didn’t happen.

Yesterday:
Bored out of mind.

That women is still irritating and getting on my nerves.  She is exactly like Wannabe Funycath in manner, behavior, and speech especially volume.   And she keeps violating my personal space.

But the library summer reading party was pretty good.  My team, well mostly me and my other team mates would say it, won Trivial Pursuit after being far behind.  So I won a gift certificate.

Today:
I am resigned to the fact that my job is not what I want to do and that I probably will be stuck in it until my temp time is up and even then.

I am reminded too much of evil security company.  I’m worried about failing and being written up (even though they don’t do write ups) or put through remedial training or even fired.  My brain, my body are still geared for dealing with evil security company and all their garbage.

And that woman. Oy, I wish she would go away.

Still bored and annoyed at all the endless questions people ask.

Then I came home and had to deal with my one neighbor who had to talk at me and give me useless info.

So I’m fed up and tired and stressed out.

At least I have cheesecake and only one more day this week

And On The Second Day…

I want to quit.

I also want to fire two of my coworkers because they chose not to listen or are not willing to grasp the material.  And one of those has latched on to me and wants be to be her BFF.  It’s like Wannabe Funycath all over again.  She has already gotten on my nerves. Yesterday.  Less than eight hours.  And she won’t shut up or quit asking inane questions or add her useless two cents to every conversation. And she has to top everything.   The other one asks the same inane questions and can’t seem to take in any information at all.

I honestly wanted to bite people’s heads off.  I can’t stand people that won’t shut up and listen.  Asking too many questions means you’re not paying attention and not learning the material. 

And I had to deal with all this plus finding out I wasn’t told the whole deal about my job on three hours of sleep.  Plus only four the night before. 

Thankfully, I didn’t start crying until I got in my car.  Then I had to deal with traffic.  I just want to go to bed and have this day be over but I still need to eat dinner.

A lousy day overall.


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