It’s not allowed.
I was told by text message, yes text message, (thank you mother *insert heavy sarcasm*) Thursday that my paternal grandmother had passed away. I wasn’t that close to her but she was still my grandma. Then my mother goes on about the weather and asking if I had a job. No concern that telling me someone had died, that I wasn’t invited to the funeral (not that I could afford to go or been able to go since it’s next Friday and in Rhode Island but still). When my maternal grandmother died, I wasn’t invited either. But this time I don’t know the date she died or the cause of death (probably old age since she was 94).
But told via text and then forgotten. My grief, my feelings don’t matter. I’m sad but I think I’m more stressed out about the new job and how my parents have treated me. I honestly think if my mother would not have let me know my grandma died. She told me because she had to, not because I truly needed to know. Yes, my mother honestly thinks that way. And now that she only communicates with me via text (which has its upsides but that’s another post) I hardly get any info about the rest of my family at all.
At least I have a friend that I was able to talk to about losing my grandma. She could understand because she just lost her dad the week before so we’ve been proping each other up. I got to tell (via text but she was working so that’s the only way we can communicate ) about my grandma and my dad’s side of the family.
But right now I’m in tears, I need to go to confession and I’m still stressing out about the new job. I was thinking last night about how the last year or so working for evil security company was like being in a severely abusive relationship. I was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused. I was gaslighted. I dreaded going to work. I hated dealing with supervisors and managers since I didn’t know what impossible standards and expectations they would come up with next. I felt like I was walking on eggshells just waiting for an explosion and the fist to the face. I was terrified of being sexually assaulted. I still have thoughts that if I had just given sexual favors then I would still have a job, that I would be liked, I would be treated okay, and that I would be okay. But I wouldn’t be. I would be a rape victim and still an abuse victim. What they wanted was wrong but I was so scared and terrified of being unemployed and without money that any solution however illegal and immoral, felt acceptable. Thankfully I did not give in.
But abuse and trauma change the brain. Add this abuse on top of the abuse my mother did to me and I’m one fucked up individual. I’m trained to accept abuse and to consider deserving of abuse.
I need therapy. At least with this new job, I’ll have money to get some.
And now I really need to get a shower and got to Confession.