Well, not full blown anxiety but definitely thinking “what have I gotten myself into signing up for Eucharistic Adoration”. I’ve even considered calling and asking to take me off. It’s just nerves so I won’t but yeah.
So I’m mildly freaking out though I don’t need to. I have to remind myself that it is just an hour a week. I do not need to freak out over what I’m going to do or say. I can figure that out when I get there.
Therein lies the problem. I unfortunately have the tendency to overthink things. I can make mountains out of grains of sand. All in part of how I was raised and the abuse I faced. I had to overthink things to make sure I wouldn’t set off my mother even though that rarely, if ever, worked since she would fly off the handle for any reason. I’m used to being hyperaware and that necessitates thinking a lot. Which triggers my anxiety.
Plus, I don’t deal well with new things and this was not something that I put a lot of thought into which I’m worrying over though I don’t need to. I’m almost always doubting my decisions because I don’t truly trust myself. I’ve conditioned not to trust myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my decisions, my beliefs, etc. I can’t be trusted so I don’t really trust myself.
I don’t want to have to change into someone I’m not. I think that’s part of what I’m worried about, changing who I am to fit some perceived expectation. My thinking is that I’ll have to completely rearrange my life and schedule around this instead of adding in and adapting, that this takes precedence over everything but Mass though it doesn’t. (I’m unfortunately adept at screwing up priorities.) But that’s not true. Again, it’s only an hour. I don’t have to be super holy to do it and going to Adoration isn’t going to make me super holy let alone overnight.
Basically, I need to worry less, not overthink and understand that I’m not making huge, irreversible changes to me or my life. I’m just adding something. Nothing massively huge. Just dedicated time with Jesus.