Archive for October, 2015

The Angries

I have anger issues.

There. I said it.

But I’m not supposed to get angry or be angry or feel angry or show anger.

I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut and take it. I’m to keep smiling and never show any emotion but happiness. Feeling any emotion is explicitly NOT allowed.

That’s not what women do.

That’s not what good Catholics do.

That’s not what good Catholic women do.

I’m not supposed to get angry at all. It’s practically apostasy and pretty much a sin against the Holy Spirit.  No one who wants to be considered a good person ever gets angry, especially not a woman.

Feeling anger means I’m entitled and as a woman I am not entitled to anything. I am to put up and shut up.

So getting angry means I have completely and unforgivable – ly screwed up. Only God can get angry. And men. And certain women. But not me. My anger makes me evil.

There is no injustice in world, well not for me. I’m to put up and shut up.  My anger is wrong and has condemned me to Hell.  I’m supposed to be all sweetness and light. I’m supposed to let the bullies and the abusers win. That is godly. They say that is what God wants and the only way to truly love God: let yourself be abused and accept the abuse as deserving. Abuse is love.

I’m not supposed to get angry at my mother for abusing me. I deserved it, you know, for not being the child she wanted.

I’m not supposed to get angry with the agendas that force sin and destruction down our throats.  I am to suffer silently, or better yet accept and indulge in the destruction.

I’m not supposed to get angry with the neighbors who have no respect for me or my things. I deserve their harassment and abuse because I’m not a person worthy of respect.

I’m not supposed to get angry but I do. But I’m not supposed to, am not allowed to be angry. So what am I supposed to do?

I confess it all the time. Avoid the things that deliberately make me angry. But I still get angry. I pray. I go to Adoration and end up angrier hours later.

I am an angry person but I’m told, no, demanded, that I never get angry or ever feel anger.  I hate that I get angry because I believe all this.  And I’m definitely angry at myself for being such a screw up and failure and for getting angry.

But I’m still angry. I tried all the techniques and nothing has worked. So what am I supposed to do? Become a Vulcan?


Creeping Into Sadness

This is the time of year it gets bad for me.  The holiday season.  October through at least Februay. A reminder of how screwed up I am, how much of an idiot I am for wanting to be loved especially by my family, how I’ve failed at everything, how I’ve deluded myself in thinking that I’ll ever really be good at anything.

I still don’t have a new job but then I haven’t applied to any because I don’t want to be fired again. But I hate relying on my parents for help and they hate helping me. I’m the failure and the lost cause.

And I keep thinking that if I could fully internalize and believe that I am this horrible, miserable failure, that if I could just get it then my parents would love me. And God would love me or at least notice me. I would finally be doing things right. I’ve worked so hard at doing things right and yet I never seem to get it right. It’s like I’m missing some big, important piece that if I just figured it out or found it then everything would be perfect. I would finally be loved and acceptable. Or if I could just say the right words, be the right way then things would be perfect.

Like, after Mass on Sunday I went to the health fair they were having and had my blood glucose/cholesterol tested and my blood pressure taken.  I only really wanted the blood glucose taken and which came back okay but the cholesterol was supper high as was the blood pressure.  But I was sleep deprived and they said that affects pressure. But the cholesterol had me worried but reading the release form I figured it wasn’t that much of a worry. And I checked the my last cholesterol test results and they were much, much lower. But I’m still worried because it means that I really do need to lose weight that still won’t have any long term effect on my health. I should add more fiber and try to move more but that’s really it. But they also said to get it tested a few more times so I shouldn’t worry about it. But I still am because I only know how to worry and not let go.

And I’d like to exercise more but with the GERD and the damage I did to my right arm over a year ago (something so bad that I’ve lost function and mobility but without insurance I can’t do anything about) I can’t do as much as I like.

And trying to fix my sleep schedule is hard because except for Mass and Adoration I have no real reason to get up early. And sleeping for more than two hours at a time just isn’t happening righ now. And sleep aids just don’t work for me.

Add in the attacks after my last few posts which don’t help either. I hate trolls because they sound so “right”, that really am the idiot and moron they say I am and that I need to shut up and put up because I deserve it.  It’s how my mother and others treated me and repeated to me growing up.

So yeah, bad time of year. And no meds though I didn’t have them last year at this time either.

To Those Other Commenters

Yes, you.

Thank you. Your ability to disagree civilly and to articulate a respectful response is much appreciated.  It demonstrates the respect you have for me and my opinions, my beliefs even if you disagree with them. 

And thank you to those that have posted supportive comments. Those have been helpful and uplifting to read, especially after reading those abusive comments that hurt. 

All of you have been helpful to remind me that there are good and decent people out there and not a world full of bullies and abusers who want to silence and hurt me.

So thank you.


P.S. Have a double chocolate chip cookie on me. Though I don’t think I made enough for everyone.

To Those Commenters

To Those Commenters:

You know who you are.  The attacks, the lies, the name calling, the vitriol do not endear you to me.  Telling me I’m stupid and that I know nothing about guns or crime does not help you.  It’s just an attack because you do not want to take seriously anything I have to say.  It makes you sound like a juvenile and unintelligent troll.

I don’t mind disagreement but I saw nothing but attacks. Attacks done just because you could.  That just makes you a bully and a coward.  I don’t like bullies.  I’ve been bullied enough in my life. I don’t have to take it on my blog. So I deleted your comments.

Take your attacks and abuse and go home. Nobody likes a bully or a know-it-all.


P.S. I have two bachelor’s degrees: one in Anthropology with a solid grounding in Sociology and the other in Criminal Justice.  I know my shit so shut up.

P.P.S. Oregon does have pretty strong gun laws.  The shooter got his guns legally so changing the laws would have done very little to change that. It’s closing the barn doors after the horses have left.

P.P.P.S. Mental illness is not a bogeyman and not relevant in this shooting. The shooter was quite sane but since we don’t want to wrap our heads around that fact that he chose to deliberately commit mass murder we blame mental illness instead.

If You Diet, I Will Love You

-Honey, you’re too fat.  You need to lose some weight.  Then I will love you.  But if you gain weight, I will hate you.

Dieting has nothing to do with health.  Oh, it’s certainly advocated as a cure for “health problems” but in and of itself, dieting has no real purpose except to starve the dieter, turn food into an enemy, base the dieter’s worth on a meaningless number, base a dieter’s worth on someone else’s personal opinion, and pass judgment on a person’s body so as to declare it an acceptable human body or not.

Dieting is all about someone else’s judgement and personal opinion being enshrined as scientific fact.  Which it isn’t.  

Dieting is a threat by one person to make the other person conform, through fear of loss, to the first person’s abuse. 

“If you love me, you will diet.”

“I love you.  Losing the weight will only make me love you more.”

“I’m worried about your health.  Losing weight will make you better.”

“You used to be so pretty.  I know you didn’t mean to get fat, but you did,  and I want the woman/man I first fell in love with.”

These are just some examples of the psychological manipulation that takes place to force people to hurt themselves and their health in the name of love.

Diets are deliberately designed to fail. That’s how the diet industry makes its money. And since we are bombarded with their lies about weight, health, and looks many people go on diets to get people to like them or love them or just to fit in. 

Dieting will not improve your life.  Dieting is a deliberate means of setting people up to fail and fail big so that they keep coming back. It’s abusive because it devalues people and says that they are only worthy of love and affection if they are a size 2 and 90 pounds. 

Love and acceptance should never be based on physical looks.  A person’s body is not good or bad because of its size or shape.  A body does not have monetary value and should not be judged on arbitrary, capricious standards.

So diet is a four letter word and is physically, verbally, and psychologically abusive. No one deserves to be abused so don’t diet.  You do not have to change your body to fit someone else’s unrealistic demands.

Reblog: Reality vs. Hysteria When Reporting Gun Deaths

Expert in Criminology Says Crimes Not Going Up So Mush As Hysteria Is On the Rise –

Guns and Mental Illness Are Not The Issue


First, I do not have much of a view on guns. I’ve shot them before but they are not something I have any real emotional attachment to. Basically, I can leave them. Gun laws have little impact on those that want a gun, especially if they plan to use it in a crime. Oregon has some pretty restrictive gun laws, to my understanding and which may be wrong, so stronger gun laws will do little to curb gun crime.

Second, mental illness is rarely the cause of violence towards others. As someone who has mental health issues, violence is something that just doesn’t exist as option for me except towards myself (suicide is a form of violence).  (No, I am not suicidal but suicide is violence because it takes a life and hurts others.) Nearly all mental illnesses do not involve or express violence as a symptom. If there is violence, that violence is self inflicted on the one suffering the mental illness, not on others. Self harm is still rare though.  Mentally ill individuals are the least violent people and inflict the smallest amount of violence which is usually directed at themselves and almost never at others.

The thing is guns and mental illness are not the issues. What we want is the ability to read minds and predict the future. But instead of placing violence in a larger context we focus on symptoms instead of the underlying disease.  We have a society that does not respect people or value people for being people.  We like bogeymen to focus our blame on instead of taking responsibility.

The shooter in yesterday’s tragedy here in Oregon had obtained his guns legally.  Gun laws would not have changed his ability to gain those weapons or his desire to use them.  Gun laws only work for honest, law abiding people. Criminals do not care about laws let alone about obeying them.  So greater gun laws will not work to affect those that use guns to commit crimes.


Even though the shooter appeared to be odd, he most likely did not have a mental illness.  This means, and nobody likes to consider, is that the shooter chose of his own free will and with a sane mind to actively shoot and kill people.  The vast majority of those that commit mass murders are in full possession of their faculties, that is, they are quite sane. They plan to kill people and then carry out that plan. 

We don’t like that because it means anybody could choose to commit evil.  We want mental illness to be the explanation because we cannot and will not conceive that a sane person would choose to hurt, to kill someone just because they want to.  We want mental illness to be the underlying cause of “evil” because we don’t want to acknowledge that selfish individuality and sex as the highest purpose in life have been and are complete failures. We don’t want to have to take responsibility for our failure to care for and respect others.

Our American society has become a utilitarian pagan society that places value only on promiscuous sex at all costs and where people are only valued on what economic, monetary, and sexual services they can provide. Personhood is no longer an intrinsic right but a rare privilege accorded to those that lie to the people of their allegedly superior status and worth. (Just look at the homosexual “rights” movement.) 

We have become a society that does not value life at all.  We have turned it into a tool to be used and discarded at will with no respect to the person being discarded. 

Abortion, birth control, euthanasia, assisted suicide, divorce, glamorization of violence, the elevation of the individual above all else, sex as the highest achievement, individual rights that infringe and violate others, distrust, hate, poverty, severe economic inequality that grows worse everyday, control of resources by the powerful and wealthy few, everyone is a stranger.  These are the issues.

We are a society that lives in fear of each other and hates those that do not conform to rigid and arbitrary rules defined by a selfish, sin worshipping society.  Be an individual but don’t be an individual. Love is only a feeling not an act of will that desires the best for the other person.  Pleasure and sex are more important than serving others in humility.

Our self centered society glorifies violence, money, success, sex, and fame as the determining factors of who is and is not a person and therefore, a person who had value and worthy.  These exterior elements do not demonstrate success but rather failure. 

A person is a person because they have inherent dignity and worth because they are made in the image and likeness of God.  Secular society cannot abide this truth and so denigrates it and then pushes its own lies about success and looks as being “better” and more “noble”.  Secular society pushes God out because God loves everyone equally and unconditionally while society likes on a very conditional basis. God has also said that we are more than just parts and individuals, that we are a community that loves and represents God’s love in action. And that love is binding and truly freeing at the same time.

But society says that freedom is oppressive and so sells license instead. A license that hurts and abuses and diminishes the inherent dignity of the person.  Freedom is doing what you ought. License is doing what you want and expecting no consequences for your actions.

So the shooter chose license and violence yesterday.  Freedom would have meant not shooting or killing anyone. It would also have meant that if he did have mental health issues he would have gotten help.  But mostly it would have meant that guns and mental illness would not be the bogeymen thar society and politicians want them to be instead of taking responsibility for their actions and decisions that led to this heinous tragedy. And we would rather shoot a bogeyman than acknowledge the actual truth: a man chose to go to a community college, fire multiple weapons, and kill 9 people, many because of their religion all because this man made a sane choice to kill people.

We don’t like the truth because it hurts. But that truth, once acknowledged and accepted, will do more to stop these kinds of tragedies from occurring than gun laws and mental health services will.



Type this later, if I remember.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 218 other followers