Creeping Into Sadness

This is the time of year it gets bad for me.  The holiday season.  October through at least Februay. A reminder of how screwed up I am, how much of an idiot I am for wanting to be loved especially by my family, how I’ve failed at everything, how I’ve deluded myself in thinking that I’ll ever really be good at anything.

I still don’t have a new job but then I haven’t applied to any because I don’t want to be fired again. But I hate relying on my parents for help and they hate helping me. I’m the failure and the lost cause.

And I keep thinking that if I could fully internalize and believe that I am this horrible, miserable failure, that if I could just get it then my parents would love me. And God would love me or at least notice me. I would finally be doing things right. I’ve worked so hard at doing things right and yet I never seem to get it right. It’s like I’m missing some big, important piece that if I just figured it out or found it then everything would be perfect. I would finally be loved and acceptable. Or if I could just say the right words, be the right way then things would be perfect.

Like, after Mass on Sunday I went to the health fair they were having and had my blood glucose/cholesterol tested and my blood pressure taken.  I only really wanted the blood glucose taken and which came back okay but the cholesterol was supper high as was the blood pressure.  But I was sleep deprived and they said that affects pressure. But the cholesterol had me worried but reading the release form I figured it wasn’t that much of a worry. And I checked the my last cholesterol test results and they were much, much lower. But I’m still worried because it means that I really do need to lose weight that still won’t have any long term effect on my health. I should add more fiber and try to move more but that’s really it. But they also said to get it tested a few more times so I shouldn’t worry about it. But I still am because I only know how to worry and not let go.

And I’d like to exercise more but with the GERD and the damage I did to my right arm over a year ago (something so bad that I’ve lost function and mobility but without insurance I can’t do anything about) I can’t do as much as I like.

And trying to fix my sleep schedule is hard because except for Mass and Adoration I have no real reason to get up early. And sleeping for more than two hours at a time just isn’t happening righ now. And sleep aids just don’t work for me.

Add in the attacks after my last few posts which don’t help either. I hate trolls because they sound so “right”, that really am the idiot and moron they say I am and that I need to shut up and put up because I deserve it.  It’s how my mother and others treated me and repeated to me growing up.

So yeah, bad time of year. And no meds though I didn’t have them last year at this time either.

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