I have anger issues.
There. I said it.
But I’m not supposed to get angry or be angry or feel angry or show anger.
I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut and take it. I’m to keep smiling and never show any emotion but happiness. Feeling any emotion is explicitly NOT allowed.
That’s not what women do.
That’s not what good Catholics do.
That’s not what good Catholic women do.
I’m not supposed to get angry at all. It’s practically apostasy and pretty much a sin against the Holy Spirit. No one who wants to be considered a good person ever gets angry, especially not a woman.
Feeling anger means I’m entitled and as a woman I am not entitled to anything. I am to put up and shut up.
So getting angry means I have completely and unforgivable – ly screwed up. Only God can get angry. And men. And certain women. But not me. My anger makes me evil.
There is no injustice in world, well not for me. I’m to put up and shut up. My anger is wrong and has condemned me to Hell. I’m supposed to be all sweetness and light. I’m supposed to let the bullies and the abusers win. That is godly. They say that is what God wants and the only way to truly love God: let yourself be abused and accept the abuse as deserving. Abuse is love.
I’m not supposed to get angry at my mother for abusing me. I deserved it, you know, for not being the child she wanted.
I’m not supposed to get angry with the agendas that force sin and destruction down our throats. I am to suffer silently, or better yet accept and indulge in the destruction.
I’m not supposed to get angry with the neighbors who have no respect for me or my things. I deserve their harassment and abuse because I’m not a person worthy of respect.
I’m not supposed to get angry but I do. But I’m not supposed to, am not allowed to be angry. So what am I supposed to do?
I confess it all the time. Avoid the things that deliberately make me angry. But I still get angry. I pray. I go to Adoration and end up angrier hours later.
I am an angry person but I’m told, no, demanded, that I never get angry or ever feel anger. I hate that I get angry because I believe all this. And I’m definitely angry at myself for being such a screw up and failure and for getting angry.
But I’m still angry. I tried all the techniques and nothing has worked. So what am I supposed to do? Become a Vulcan?