Archive for February, 2016

Now With New, Shinier Sword Fighting

I now know how to use a sword.

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Okay, I don’t but I now have a library book that will show me how. Don’t know how applicable it is in learning to fight with a lightsaber, though. Maybe you need Yoda for that.

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I got a call from the state employment help agency this morning. Mind you, I was barely awake so I turned down the opportunity to be in this one program. So yes, I’m beating myself up a little but then I point out to myself that by turning it down someone who really needed it got this great opportunity.

The lesson: work on fixing my screwed up sleep schedule. Which I am because sleeping during the day also screws me up mentally and leaves me more depressed.

Last week was a good example of that.   I barely did any job search activities which just adds to overwhelming sense of failure.

And I really wish my one neighbor would move out. I actively try to avoid him because he just has to talk to me and won’t shut up. Yet my opinions don’t matter and because I’m a woman he talks down to me. And yes, I’m a bit afraid of him.  He’s half parked in my parking space and I won’t ask him to move his vehicle because I don’t want him blowing up or worse, hurting me.  He has major anger issues and has threatened people with guns before. So yeah, I’m leery of dealing with him.

And both my knees are grumpy but that’s because I walked to and from the library.  At least today it wasn’t raining. Chilly, though. 

I only sort of want to cry right now. I know a lot of it is sleep issues, then depression, then anxiety.

Sorry this isn’t much of an update but it’s my life right now.

Will a picture of Yoda help?

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I’d Like New Knees Please

I’m definitely not the bee’s knees. 

Well,  my knees aren’t.  They have been very grumpy today.  They were fine when I got up this morning but when I stepped out the door to go to Adoration my right knee was giving me grief.  I did kneel for the last ten minutes or so of my scheduled hour and my knee was no worse, even moved a little better after kneeling.

This afternoon I went to do my library volunteer hours. Right knee was again grumpy but I figured as long as I was careful things should be fine (I made sure to avoid the kids nonfiction shelving because that’s the section that is hardest on my knees). However, both knees decided that this whole bending to shelve books is highly overrated and became a nuisance.  By the end of my shift, both knees ached so bad that I was done.  My right knee is slightly swollen and I may wrap it later. I should ice it but the cold, wet weather is  what causes the ache in the first place.

So yeah, I’d like a new set of knees. Or if only one is available the right knee. 

I Managed

This morning I saw Wannabe Fundycath  and her husband at Mass for the first time in about a year.  They were two pews ahead of me. I saw them and mildly freaked out. I actually thought about just walking to the back and going up to the choir loft to sit.  But I stuck it out. I wasn’t going to miss Mass because of them.

I kept hoping that they wouldn’t see me or stop to talk to me after Mass. But then I thought,  even if they do see me I don’t have to talk or do anything with them. I can say no and then say I have other plans. They don’t deserve anything from me, not my time or my emotional investment or my frienship.  And while I was thinking on one level that not wanting to deal with people isn’t very nice (the whole love your neighbor thing) but Wannabe Fundycath is a narcissist and reminds me badly of my mother and her abuse. I honestly did not want to deal with her in any way. I wanted to avoid her and her husband at all costs.

Thankfully,  I did NOT end up having to deal with them at all. When they left the pew at the end of Mass, I started putting on my coat and turned my back to them so they couldn’t make eye contact with me. This was after going to Communion and walking back to the pew making sure to not make eye contact.

I was able to manage because I could think it through. I didn’t and do not owe Wannabe Fundycath anything. She is dangerous to my physical and mental health. She’s a liar. Everything is about her.  Nowhere does it say that I have to put up with or take her treatment of me to be a good Catholic.  I do not have to change her or be friends with her or thankfully, I don’t even have to like her. 

She’s too much a part of a bad time in my life. The first dinner I had with had so many red flags that I should have run the other direction but I didn’t.  I now know better and can choose and keep better friends. People who treat me with respect instead of treating me like a slave or object meant to do their bidding.

I have much better mental health when I take care of myself and give my needs value. I am mentally stronger knowing that I don’t have to take responsibility for other people and their bad decisions. Their bad decisions are just that: theirs. I am responsible for me and my decisions. I had internalized that so deeply: that I was responsible for other people and their mistakes and decisions. And that if someone rejected what I said or did or told me no, there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I was the problem not the information or the other person’s decisions or lack of information but me.

I still believe that and have to fight that but I’m aware now.  I am important too.


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