Archive for December, 2016

Middle? End? Beginning?

Well, it is the end of the year. Chronologically that is.  I don’t think 2016 was a horrible year for me. Certainly a stressful year with a resurgence of my depression and anxiety in the latter half.  But overall, it wasn’t bad.  

I planned early on how to deal with all the election stuff (I voted but I don’t hang my future on politicians and what they do or don’t do; I have better things to do with my time and politicians can’t fix my problems).  

My beloved Cubs won the World Series after 108 years which I am very grateful for. (Cleveland, keep up the good work. I respect that.)

I fought state bureaucracy to keep my food stamps (though I still feel guilty for being on them for so long and not having a job yet). (Also, idiots in comboxes/politicians/people who push their politics as if it were exactly the same as religious beliefs don’t have a clue what’s it’s like.  They sit back in judgement they pass on everyone while they believe themselves superior to those needing assistance.  They would rather people starve and die then have people receive help.)  As a single woman, I don’t have a lot of options. Very few actually. So I am on food stamps and the state health insurance. I feel guilty and even ashamed for having both but I don’t want to starve and I need help with my depression.  I hate hearing how I’m lazy, how I’m cheating the system, how I’m a failure, how I just need to work any job no matter how lousy it pays, how I need to have dignity and respect for myself, how I need to fill in whatever impossible, judgemental standard you want. I don’t want to hear this. It was hard enough to choose to go on food stamps and state health insurance in the first place. I don’t need more guilt or shame.

I’m still looking for a job. I keep applying. I just wish it wasn’t taking so long.  I’ll keep at it til I do get a job. I’m not giving up but it is hard and demoralizing. I am very weary and frustrated in my lack of finding a job.  I feel like I’ve missed my chance, that I’ve ruined things by not finding a job sooner. I feel that I am being pushed to find a job I don’t want and that won’t cover all my bills just so I can have a job and not be punished by not having one.

I’m going off my antidepressant. It wasn’t really working and I was tired of dealing with the side effects. I had already lowered the dose, then went to every other day which I started on Christmas, and am now just stopping it altogether. I decided that earlier today. I want to try a different medication but I want this one out of my system first.

I still have a messed up sleep schedule.  This week has been the worst. I don’t know why but it’s been the most messed up I have ever been. I’ve been up since 4 yesterday afternoon (well, a bit of a doze on the sofa last night) and am not really tired. 

I still hate snow. We had several snows days here and we’re expecting more snow tomorrow. I don’t want snow for the new year. Below freezing temps are fine but no snow.

I do like volunteering at the library even if I keep muttering about hating people because they can’t remember the alphabet when shelving books. I’m always tempted to ask if people who come into the library know the alphabet. Little kids get a pass (though they can it recite just to show off and if  a five year old can say the whole thing correctly I’ll have proved my point) but adults do not. But I can’t ask and I keep muttering about hating people.

It may be New Year’s Eve but it just feels like Saturday to me. Considering I’m now ready for a nap, I’m okay with sleeping through midnight. I’m certain I could think of more good things that happened this year but I’m so tired that I keep imagining I see a spider out of the corner of my eye which means I need sleep. I’ve been up 21 hours now so sleep is probably a good idea.  I could stay up longer but I don’t want to or need to.

So have a Happy New Year. Stay away from snow.  Read more books, especially ones on honey badgers or giraffes. Or cookbooks because you want to try a new recipe. Avoid diets like the plague. Volunteer. Recite the alphabet. Speak like a pirate. Steal a spaceship. Live long and prosper. 

See you next year.


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