I’m dealing with both right now. It’s 2:14 in the morning and I don’t want to sleep even though I have a medical appointment at 10:30 that I have to leave for before 9:30. I’m also freaking out about an interview for a job I have Friday. I’m not thrilled with the possible commute to the job but I’m getting desperate to find a job. Not that I care much for the job either but I really need to find a job soon. I feel like I’m on the knife edge and something really terrible is going to happen to me very soon. That I’m going to end up homeless or my parents are going to stop helping me or my rent is going to go up to where I can’t pay it or I lose my food stamps. Just something really bad. And I’m doing something, driving somewhere for the next seven days and I feel overwhelmed.
I have been off my antidepressant for five days and the withdrawal has set in. I just want to sleep and hide. But then I don’t want to sleep at all. And I’m crying all the time. I definitely don’t want to go anywhere or deal with anyone but then I really want to talk to someone about all this. But my friends all work so I can’t talk to them until the weekend.
I still don’t have someone to drive my to my major medical appointment next week. And then I might be picked for jury duty since I got a letter a couple a weeks ago and have to go in on the 12th. And if I get the job, (which it sounds like I already have) training starts the 16th. My birthday is the 18th and am pretty sure I’m celebrating it alone as always. I feel like I’m being slammed all at once and how I handle it determines how the rest of my life is going to be like. That I’m being judged on how much I can take before I break and still more stuff is going to be dumped on me even after I break. That this is a game to someone and I’m the loser participant.
And we’re supposed to be getting more snow this weekend, possibly even today, and I don’t want snow. All it’s been has been is nearly freezing or snow for the last month. Very little rain. I want the rain back. I can handle rain with no problems.
Yeah, my head’s not a good place right now.