I am so close to leaving the Catholic Church right now. It has nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with anything in the news.
It’s just me.
I can’t hack it anymore. Nothing seems to get better.
I didn’t go to Mass today. It may have started out as trying to fix my sleep (I’ve been sleeping during the day and up all night and going to bed somewhere between 5 and 7am) by staying up. But then I decided to take a nap about 7:15am knowing I needed to be up by 9am so I would be ready to go to 11:30 am Mass. Fell back asleep till 9:30 and gave myself to 10am. Next woke up at 10:38am knowing that I didn’t have enough time to shower, get dressed, and be there early. So I figured I go to 5:30pm Spanish Mass (not that I really wanted to) but after waking up and going back to sleep, I ended up not going to Mass at all. I honestly didn’t want to to Mass at all.
I know I’m going to get blasted for not going, for choosing to commit such a evil, horrendous sin because there is never a good reason for missing Mass not even if your arm has been cut off and you are spouting blood, you still have to go to Mass before going to the hospital because you’re injured due to your unrepentant sexual sin because that’s all sin ever is is unrepentant sexual sin. Remember, it’s God first, you never. You brought this on yourself you know.
I get that I’m responsible, that I can do nothing right. I keep trying, I go to Confession but seems like never enough. I know that to even be a half way decent Catholic (not even good) you have to give up everything you like and love, everything that makes you you. Threat you have to obliterate everything threat makes you and scrape everything out and have nothing left. That as a woman I’m only good for getting married, staying home, and raising a dozen kids with no time off or breaks because a woman is only there to serve her husband and have no desires or needs at all. A good Catholic woman is never a person. And the sooner she gets this the better off men will be.
I chose not to get married or have kids because I thought I would have to have the same marriage my parents has which was bad and my mother abused me. That I would have to be a stay at home mom and beat my kids. That I couldn’t have friends or do anything outside the home except Mass and the Rosary 83000 times a day. Not that my mother prayed the Rosary. Mostly it was telling me bad girls like me go to Hell and being threatened with being arrested by the police. Or punishing me for my sisters’ bad behavior.
Nobody at church cares about me. No one would notice if I was gone. I’m pretty sure God doesn’t care about me either. That’s not His fault. I figure I must have done something so reprehensible that it’s unforgivable, not that I have any clue what it was but that doesn’t matter. God is indifferent if outright doesn’t care. I’ve prayed and prayed and have gotten no where. No answers, or nothing that seems like answer. I figure I am just being punished which is what I deserve. I know I’m a horrible person and accept that but nothing ever changes.
I figured if I accepted that I am a horrible person that is unlovable, that I do everything wrong, that most things are my fault, and that I apologize and go to Confession and beat myself up over every little mistake maybe then God will deign to at least look at me for half a second. Still hasn’t happened. What am I still doing wrong? I need to know. I know at this point, no matter what, that I’m going to Hell. I accept that. I know I am unlovable and always will be (don’t tell my pet rabbit because she loves me and she doesn’t know that she’s not supposed to). But it’s not working.
So why should I bother going to Mass or pray if nothing happens? I’ve never felt God’s presence. I don’t feel loved. I’ve always had to figure out my faith by myself. And I’ve had wrong teachings but then I don’t know who to trust to get the real, accurate teachings so I’m left to figure stuff out on my own. You’re not supposed to ask questions about faith. Just obey. Even if it’s wrong.
I am in tears writing this. Why cry because it doesn’t change anything.