My mother texted me earlier today to tell me she had put money in my account. (My parents are helping me financially until I get a job.) Then she asks if I’ve got a job yet and then tells me that she’s slowly running out of money.
Money is a huge anxiety trigger for me. I’ve always worried about having enough money to keep a roof over my head and feed myself. At one point, several years ago, I was feeding myself on something like $40 to $60 a month which is why I’m grateful to have food stamps now. But my mother’s text was upsetting. I was mildly freaking out that I would have to sell all my stuff, rehome my rabbit (which I never want to do because we’ve bonded and I love her too much to ever part with her), and have to move in with my parents. They live in Kansas and my sister, The Selfishly Vain Boy Chaser, is currently living with them while husband/boyfriend #3 or 4 or 27 is in New York till he gets the money to move to Kansas. These are not people I want to live with again. I was suicidal the last time my mother mentioned I should move in with them.
Mild freak out at least instead of the major meltdown I would have had in the past. But then I thought she’s probably lying. She’s done it before when it comes to money. And then I got to thinking about all the sources my parents get money from. While not rich, they aren’t poor either. However, my mother loves to live above her means (I can’t recall major debt beyond credit cards and my dad paid off the balance ever month but then my parents didn’t teach me much about money except to spend it or withhold it from certain people). So I honestly don’t think they’ll go broke anytime soon. I also think they’ve been supporting one or more of my sisters who have jobs and husbands who work so they don’t need more money. But then my mother has never liked helping me. So yes, I believe my mother lied to me and has lied to me much more often then telling me the truth.
I still ended up in tears. I’m still a bit worried about losing my apartment or being unable to pay rent or have the rent jacked up so I can’t pay it (not likely to happen soon but with the new apartments across the street things could change and the property management company is currently facing a personnel shortage especially with regards to maintenance people). I’m also worried about being unable to find a job soon. I’ve been applying to about 80-100 jobs a month and most of the time I don’t hear anything back. I need a job soon and I don’t want to work in fast food.