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The Truth Behind My Anxiety

I didn’t set out the last few weeks to figure out my anxiety. It just happened. More accurately, conversations and reflections happened. I’ve been talking to the downstairs neighbor who started me on this track to figuring things out.

I’ve been in my apartment for over eleven years now. That’s 11 years and three months if you want to be exact.  I have seen tenants come and go. I’ve called the cops on some. I was grateful for others.  I’ve also dealt with a horrible apartment manager for several years and then was blessed with better ones. I’m still getting a feel for the new one.

The last four years or so have seen the quality, so to speak, of next door tenants degrade. (Reference point being from about 2013 onward) Enough so that seeing the police show up is not an unusual sight.  How screwed up is that? I also don’t know what to expect when I walk out my front door. With Mr Superiority Alcoholic (2015-June 2016), it was either him on some tangent or the police. I preferred the police because they treated me with respect. Mr Superiority Alcoholic treated me like an idiot. And when he started drinking, well, it was better for me to not be here. He may have never physically hurt me but that really didn’t mean anything.  He would still get violent and abusive. He also called the cops on himself but they couldn’t keep him locked up for long so he would be back within hours to start all over the next night.  And he would do this several times a week. I’m glad he was evicted.

The tenants before him, well the kids and grandkids really, were trouble before that.  Though the police weren’t called, there were a lot of issues with drugs and alcohol.  Lots of both. And even underage, I think but can’t prove. I’m glad they were evicted.

Between the two, knocking on the door sets me off.  I tense, worrying that something bad is going to happen if I don’t answer. I don’t answer because it’s next door and I hear knocking on that four due to how little of a wall there is between the apartment.  But now the current tenant next door is the most problematic. He has visitors at all hours of the day and night. Knocking incessantly.  I can’t prove it but I believe it’s drugs. I don’t want that shit here.  And they don’t stop.  They knock even when Mr Drugs isn’t home and they keep knocking til somebody answers the door.  And it’s a specific knock. And it’s the same people over and over again. But I can’t prove it’s drugs so I can’t do anything.

So living in this apartment has increased my anxiety. I don’t feel safe here. I worry about walking out my front door.  I hear a knock and I’m worried about violence.  I worry about people damaging or dealing my car or breaking into my apartment. 

But I can’t afford to move. I looked for another apartment and I’d be looking at paying nearly $1000 (yes that’s right) for a studio. I have a one bedroom now. I don’t want to have to move due to other people’s bad behavior. I want Mr Drugs gone. I shouldn’t have to suffer for someone else’s bad behavior. 

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The Arctic Would Be Warmer

Well, maybe, maybe not.

We’re in single digit temps here. Single digits. And sunny. With highs still expected to be below freezing.

The snow is still around and won’t be melting any time soon. I took the bus to jury duty yesterday. Ended up not being selected, thankfully. I was still able to volunteer at the library. 

Granted, I wish I knew how to ice skate because the sidewalks and streets were icy. I could have skated instead of walked well, more like worked very hard not to slip and fall. Did wrench both my knees with all the little slips I did take. My lower back is also sore. Thankfully no injuries, just ache-y soreness.

I did have fun looking for snowpeople on the bus ride into jury duty. Did see a few. Was glad I didn’t drive because there was a car accident I saw on the way home.

I just want all the snow to melt so I can finally drive. Otherwise, I’m stuck at home. I won’t go hungry (I made more Chicken Tortilla Soup this morning) but I am getting low on things. And not a lot of variety. But I’ll be okay.

And yes, I still hate snow. Just because it looks like a winter wonderland out there doesn’t impress me. It’s just irritates me and impacts my ability to do things.

*Facepalm*

It’s snowing again. *head desk*

I have jury duty tomorrow. *double face palm* *double head desk* *bangs head against wall* 

I’m going back to bed. Wake me when spring comes.

Seven Hours Later

This was at 12:23 am

At 7:16 am:

It looks like it’s closer to a foot of snow out there and we still have the potential to get more this morning. This ties with the Storm of ’08 for most snow in one day. At least this time we didn’t have freezing rain on top of it.

My Demand Has Been  Ignored 

This is wrong.  

We’re supposed to get at least 6 inches. AT LEAST.  So, so wrong. 

Since the beginning of December:

Days with snow so far: 7-9

Freezing rain: 2

“Normal” winter weather as in rain: 1

Days with Temps below 40: I think 30, give or take

Apparently,  our typical winter weather has taken a vacation and we’re stuck with this. 

No More Snow

I am making a major demand here: no more snow or freezing rain or ice or temps below freezing. None of that, whatsoever. I’m sick of it.

I didn’t go to Mass this morning due to the weather. The ice alone made it very unsafe. The state police said stay home unless absolutely necessary. I listened and made my own judgement call based on safety. I did discover that youth group and a few other activities we’re still going on. I felt that was a bad judgement call for safety reasons. Morning Masses were apparently cancelled but the evening Spanish Mass and Confessions were still on. I’m not sure who made that call but the person who posted it on the parish’s Facebook page is still very new to Oregon so has no clue what to do when this atypical weather happens.  That irks me. I want people to be safe, not guilted into going to Mass in unsafe conditions. It is ACCEPTABLE to miss Mass due to weather, especially when it is unsafe to drive. Mass is important but your health and safety are just as important.

It’s barely above freezing right now and were expected to get more freezing rain before it turns to plain ole rain. Now it just needs to warm up and melt everything, well, the snow and ice. I’m not driving anywhere tomorrow either.  I will do my library volunteer hours, if they’re open. They should be but won’t know until the morning. I definitely need it all to gone by Tuesday for my appointment. At least I have a ride.

A Week Into The New Year

Seven days. Granted we’re expecting more snow here today. Winter has been very atypical here. Normally it’s rain, not sun, temps in the mid to low 30s, and snow. The last time I can recall in raining was a month ago. Very, very wonky. Even with the heat on in my apartment I’ve had to add another blanket to my bed. It’s been that cold this year. Less have been in the low 20s to 10s for several weeks now.

I lasted 16 hours with that tube down my throat. I was throwing up again when I decided to just yank it out because I had enough. Still had a sore throat for two days but I felt better. Won’t get the results for awhile, though. I get the endoscopy Tuesday though I still need to find someone to drive me there and back. I also did the blood test for celiac and don’t have it. Not that I thought I did.

I heard from my baby sister yesterday. We hadn’t texted in awhile so she did last night. I talked her into a birthday present. I should be getting it next week. 

I think I’m over the worst of the withdrawal. I do have a really messed up sleep schedule again. 


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