Posts Tagged 'abuse'

I Managed

This morning I saw Wannabe Fundycath  and her husband at Mass for the first time in about a year.  They were two pews ahead of me. I saw them and mildly freaked out. I actually thought about just walking to the back and going up to the choir loft to sit.  But I stuck it out. I wasn’t going to miss Mass because of them.

I kept hoping that they wouldn’t see me or stop to talk to me after Mass. But then I thought,  even if they do see me I don’t have to talk or do anything with them. I can say no and then say I have other plans. They don’t deserve anything from me, not my time or my emotional investment or my frienship.  And while I was thinking on one level that not wanting to deal with people isn’t very nice (the whole love your neighbor thing) but Wannabe Fundycath is a narcissist and reminds me badly of my mother and her abuse. I honestly did not want to deal with her in any way. I wanted to avoid her and her husband at all costs.

Thankfully,  I did NOT end up having to deal with them at all. When they left the pew at the end of Mass, I started putting on my coat and turned my back to them so they couldn’t make eye contact with me. This was after going to Communion and walking back to the pew making sure to not make eye contact.

I was able to manage because I could think it through. I didn’t and do not owe Wannabe Fundycath anything. She is dangerous to my physical and mental health. She’s a liar. Everything is about her.  Nowhere does it say that I have to put up with or take her treatment of me to be a good Catholic.  I do not have to change her or be friends with her or thankfully, I don’t even have to like her. 

She’s too much a part of a bad time in my life. The first dinner I had with had so many red flags that I should have run the other direction but I didn’t.  I now know better and can choose and keep better friends. People who treat me with respect instead of treating me like a slave or object meant to do their bidding.

I have much better mental health when I take care of myself and give my needs value. I am mentally stronger knowing that I don’t have to take responsibility for other people and their bad decisions. Their bad decisions are just that: theirs. I am responsible for me and my decisions. I had internalized that so deeply: that I was responsible for other people and their mistakes and decisions. And that if someone rejected what I said or did or told me no, there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I was the problem not the information or the other person’s decisions or lack of information but me.

I still believe that and have to fight that but I’m aware now.  I am important too.


Hurt by the Church?

Mark Shea has a good post for those “hurt by the Church”. Good for those who haven’t been hurt as well. As someone who has been struggling with fellow Catholics (particularly in regards to comments on my blog from Catholic bloggers who want to rip me to shreds, condemn me to Hell, demand that I follow their twisted man made god who really is out to get everyone, that as a cradle Catholic I am inferior to converts,  and/or all of the above and more), this is helpful.

Creeping Into Sadness

This is the time of year it gets bad for me.  The holiday season.  October through at least Februay. A reminder of how screwed up I am, how much of an idiot I am for wanting to be loved especially by my family, how I’ve failed at everything, how I’ve deluded myself in thinking that I’ll ever really be good at anything.

I still don’t have a new job but then I haven’t applied to any because I don’t want to be fired again. But I hate relying on my parents for help and they hate helping me. I’m the failure and the lost cause.

And I keep thinking that if I could fully internalize and believe that I am this horrible, miserable failure, that if I could just get it then my parents would love me. And God would love me or at least notice me. I would finally be doing things right. I’ve worked so hard at doing things right and yet I never seem to get it right. It’s like I’m missing some big, important piece that if I just figured it out or found it then everything would be perfect. I would finally be loved and acceptable. Or if I could just say the right words, be the right way then things would be perfect.

Like, after Mass on Sunday I went to the health fair they were having and had my blood glucose/cholesterol tested and my blood pressure taken.  I only really wanted the blood glucose taken and which came back okay but the cholesterol was supper high as was the blood pressure.  But I was sleep deprived and they said that affects pressure. But the cholesterol had me worried but reading the release form I figured it wasn’t that much of a worry. And I checked the my last cholesterol test results and they were much, much lower. But I’m still worried because it means that I really do need to lose weight that still won’t have any long term effect on my health. I should add more fiber and try to move more but that’s really it. But they also said to get it tested a few more times so I shouldn’t worry about it. But I still am because I only know how to worry and not let go.

And I’d like to exercise more but with the GERD and the damage I did to my right arm over a year ago (something so bad that I’ve lost function and mobility but without insurance I can’t do anything about) I can’t do as much as I like.

And trying to fix my sleep schedule is hard because except for Mass and Adoration I have no real reason to get up early. And sleeping for more than two hours at a time just isn’t happening righ now. And sleep aids just don’t work for me.

Add in the attacks after my last few posts which don’t help either. I hate trolls because they sound so “right”, that really am the idiot and moron they say I am and that I need to shut up and put up because I deserve it.  It’s how my mother and others treated me and repeated to me growing up.

So yeah, bad time of year. And no meds though I didn’t have them last year at this time either.

Grieving in a Dysfunctional Family

It’s not allowed. 

I was told by text message, yes text message, (thank you mother *insert heavy sarcasm*) Thursday that my paternal grandmother had passed away. I wasn’t that close to her but she was  still my grandma.  Then my mother goes on about the weather and asking if I had a job.  No concern that telling me someone had died, that I wasn’t invited to the funeral  (not that I could afford to go or been able to go since it’s next Friday and in Rhode Island but still).   When my maternal grandmother died, I wasn’t invited either.  But this time I don’t know the date she died or the cause of death (probably old age since she was 94). 

But told via text and then forgotten.  My grief, my feelings don’t matter.  I’m sad but I think I’m more stressed out about the new job and how my parents have treated me.  I honestly think if my mother would not have let me know my grandma died.  She told me because she had to, not because I truly needed to know.  Yes, my mother honestly  thinks that way.  And now that she only communicates with me via text (which has its upsides but that’s another post) I hardly get any info about the rest of my family at all. 

At least I have a friend that I was able to talk to about losing my grandma.  She could understand because she just lost her dad the week before so we’ve been proping each other up.  I got to tell (via text but she was working so that’s the only way we can communicate ) about my grandma and my dad’s side of the family.

But right now I’m in tears, I need to go to confession and I’m still stressing out about the new job.  I was thinking last night about how the last year or so working for evil security company was like being in a severely abusive relationship.  I was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused.  I was gaslighted.  I dreaded going to work.  I hated dealing with supervisors and managers since I didn’t know what impossible standards and expectations they would come up with next.  I felt like I was walking on eggshells just waiting for an explosion and the fist to the face.  I was terrified of being sexually assaulted.  I still have thoughts that if I had just given sexual favors then I would still have a job, that I would be liked, I would be treated okay, and that I would be okay.   But I wouldn’t be.  I would be a rape victim and still an abuse victim.  What they wanted was wrong but I was so scared and terrified of being unemployed and without money that any solution however illegal and immoral, felt acceptable.  Thankfully I did not give in. 

But abuse and trauma change the brain.  Add this abuse on top of the abuse my mother did to me and I’m one fucked up individual. I’m trained to accept abuse and to consider deserving of abuse.

I need therapy.  At least with this new job, I’ll have money to get some.

And now I really need to get a shower and got to Confession.

Trolling for Kids

Apparently, pointing out how “gay marriage” can potentially hurt children makes me a bigot.  Because name calling *so proves* the same sex parents are “better” at being parents than opposite sex parents.  Sorry, no it doesn’t.

Science has proven time and again that children thrive much better in a home where their mother and father are married to each other.  There is currently no evidence that supports same sex parents being the same as opposite sex parents.  The studies that have been done are too few, too small, and the sampling too self selective. 

I do not hate gays or any one suffering from same sex attraction. I’ve had friends who were gay. They have a heavy burden to bear.  But they have been deceived and lied to about living the homosexual lifestyle and it’s effects on themselves and others.  Children should not be brought into this mess. 

So what if their same sex parents love the children?  Parenting and being good parents is more than just “love”.  But too many people, of all stripes, think love will fix anything and everything.  No, it won’t. Children are abused all the time because their parents “love” them but they are still being abused.  Love is an excuse here and hurts everyone.

Homosexuals need help, not hate. 

They, themselves, are not the issue.  Their sexual acts, their attempt to redefine marriage, and their agitation for “rights” are the problems.  Homosexual people are made in the image and likeness of God.  Same sex attraction is an effect of sin that entered the world at The Fall when Adam disobeyed God and ate of the tree of knowledge. Same sex orientation is a deviance.  It has no evolutionary benefit though the people who suffer from it are not, in any way, at fault from suffering from same sex attraction.

So, my pointing out the problems of “gay marriage” and adding children into the mix does not make me a bigot,  a hater, or a homophobe.  It makes me concerned about all involved.  As someone who has been abused, I choose to speak out against abuse and potential abuse.  I choose to speak for children who cannot or are prevented from speaking for themselves.  I choose to a voice for the voiceless and those who have their voices silenced.  I also stand up for the teachings of the Catholic Church on family and marriage  because they are the best teachings and protect men, women, and children from abuse and violence.

And since I forgot this in my previous post, children born from artificial means are still children worthy of love, protection, dignity, and respect.  Their parents’ decision are not theirs and do not reflect on the personhood of the child.  Children born from these means should not be considered wrong or bad.  They are just children.  Their parents’ decision to use artificial means of procreation is wrong but the children are never wrong.

*insert sarcasm*

Yes, The Children

Yesterday’s post garnered quite a lot of attention.  And it brought out the comment trolls.  Policy is still enforced.

There was a point that I didn’t make yesterday and applies not just to gays and children but society’s view of children in general. 


Children have become a possession instead of the people they actually are.  Children are treated as things to collect.  Like dolls you can dress up, feed, play with them but if they don’t meet adults impossible standards or the adults grow tired of them the children are abused, thrown away, rehomed,  or even killed.  I thought the increase in child abuse reports had to do with better reporting and tracking.  Yes and no.  There is better reporting but also, more parents are hurting their children. 

There has been a shift in how society sees children.  On one level, they have become people worthy of rights and protection.  Overall, though, children are much more likely to be seen and considered possessions, toys, objects to show off to others.  They don’t exist as people with needs and wants of their own. 


So children become pawns, objects in a game.  Especially when the adult considers their rights more important than anybody else’s.  “Gay marriage” places gays’ sexual orientation and acts above the protection of children.  Homosexuals who “marry” and then “have”  children are using those children to play at marriage and family.  Their “gay marriage” and “family” is entirely artificial.  It comes from forcing mismatched pieces together to make something they were not meant to make or go together.

And while it can happen in heterosexual marriages, children are a natural part and result of the marriage.  Yes, the couple may use artificial means to have children (IVF, surrogacy, sperm donors, etc.) but these methods are still wrong and force a children conceived by one of these means to be a possession.  They “create” a child in the lab instead of through the natural means of sexual intercourse.  And most of those artificial methods have a high failure rate and are expensive.


Heterosexual marriage is the best family for children.  They get a mother and father who create them in love and raise them in a stable environment that is protective and nurturing.  The children are people in this family rather than objects of possession. 

Yes, abuse is possible but it is much, much less likely to happen than in any other “family” makeup.  The instant a child loses a parent instability and insecurity sets in.  No matter if the child gains another parent through a parent’s new marriage or the parent stays single or the parent chooses to be in a homosexual relationship, the child loses.  Even if the child has been removed from an abusive home, the child knows that it needs and wants a mother and a father.  Artificial means of procreation tells the child that the adult’s desires are more important than the child’s needs and that the child is like an object bought at the store instead of the child lovingly created through an act of love and unity.

Children know.  They are people, too, and that is a fact that we ignore, deny, and cover up to our own and their peril.  Children, once they figure out that they are supposed to have a mother and father, feel lost and ashamed for not having what they expect.  They feel that it is their fault that they do not have whichever parent is missing from their lives and so determine that they are unimportant and worthless as people.  If they feel they are there just to serve the adults’ selfish needs and wants, they are being abused and their rights to care, love and protection violated.


I think hearing from two gay men on how they view all this is important.  When they stand up for the family, it’s a big deal.

In an interview with the Italian magazine Panorama, designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana of Dolce & Gabbana had some contentious things to say about same-sex families.

According to translations, the pair — who dated for 23 years and broke up in 2005 — stated that children born through IVF are “children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”

“I am gay, I cannot have a child. I guess you cannot have everything in life,” Dolce added. “Life has a natural course, some things cannot be changed. One is the family.”

What About The Children?

“Gay marriage ” does not protect children.  It abuses them.  “Gay marriage” provides a “legally” promoted structure that hurts children in every way.  In “gay marriage”, children are property and objects to be taken from their parents and raised in an environment that is oriented towards the adults selfish sexual gratification.  Children lose their God given humanity and right to be raised and loved by a mother and a father who are married to each other when they are raised by “gay parents” in a “gay marriage”. 

Marriage, properly understood, has as its end, the holiness of the spouses and the creation and raising of children.

“Gay marriage” can do neither.  Two lesbians cannot conceive a child through their sexual acts nor can to gay men.  They must take children from their true parents or force a woman to give up her natural child so that the child is forced into a most unnatural environment. That child is deprived of its natural parents and forced to have parents who selected it as if they had gone down to Ikea and picked out a new sofa.  Even children whose families started out normal with mom and dad are forced into accepting a parent’s unnatural living arrangements when one parent chooses to divorce and live in a gay relationship.

So “gay marriage” does not benefit children in any way.  Governments and religions have always understood that marriage is about children and the protection of the family and the future of civilization.  “Gay marriage” destroys all three because it is a selfish adult act that is only oriented towards the adults.

You say, what about children adopted by gays who never would have been adopted otherwise?   Honestly, those children would still have been adopted by a loving couple with a husband and wife who would love them as children and raise them into adulthood.  They would learn how to be men and women from their father AND mother. 

Gay parents are absent a parent.  Children in that situation have only one “parent” a mother or a father.  Having two mothers ot two fathers is much like being raised by a single parent and not good for the child.  A child suffers with only one parent and studies have proven that being raised by a single parent has a detrimental effect on the child’s education, physical, emotional, and psychological health.  Children do much better in a family with both a mother and a father, which science has proven time and again.

As for the studies that “prove” gay parents are on the same level as opposite sex parents, those studies have very poor methodology, very limited sampling, and the studies themselves were improperly designed with the deliberate aim that they would “prove” gay parents were on par or better than opposite sex parents. 

So the science supports opposite sex parenting as being extremely beneficial for children while same sex parenting has no scientific support and preliminary research shows that same sex parenting is the same as single parenting or worse.


Type this later, if I remember.

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