Posts Tagged 'harassment'

Half Way Through

So I’m halfway through my training.  Work itself isn’t that bad but the drive there in the morning (not that the actual drive though) is the worst.  I was in tears this morning, thankfully not for very long though.   But I’ve have constant anxiety and the feeling of a rock sitting in my stomach. 

I’ve got this constant feeling of unease that just doesn’t go away.  So I’m stressed and anxious.  I keep expecting this job to turn into evil security company and am waiting for the micromanagement to happen along with the ridiculous write ups and the constant criticism and complaints.  I expect bad because that’s all I’ve ever experienced and so that’s all I expect.  Good is not something I deserve so dealing with it stresses me out.

I’m taking it one day at a time but I’m so anxious that I still just want to walk out and never go back.  And it’s not the work or the company.  It’s all the abuse and harassment evil security company put me through.  I keep expecting it even though there is no sign of it happening but doesn’t mean anything because evil security company was okay until they put me through hell.

I just hate how I feel. 

Sick of It

I can’t wait for the stupid hearing for my unemployment benefits to be over.  It’s Monday morning.  Right now all I keep thinking is that if I committed suicide right now, this would all be over and the evil security company would be out of my life.

I want the evil security company out of my life.  It keeps barging in, taking over, and hurting me.  It keeps invading my mind reminding me how powerless and nonexistant I am to them.  They just want to squash me like the tiny bug I am.  They want me gone from the face of the earth, eradicated from all existence.  That’s what it feels like.  That’s how horrible it was working for them those last few months.

And now they want to continue that abuse.  And they’re using the courts to do it, to take away my employment benefits.  They believe they have to win in everything, especially when they are the ones who are in the wrong because they are the ones who bully and harass and torture.  The people in this company have no ethics, no morals, no values.  They only care about money.  And they will make money at the expense of peoples’ lives.  If someone dies, even better because they don’t have to pay that person anymore and they can lure another unsuspecting person into their trap whom they will use and abuse for money.  Till that person dies and the whole process continues.

All of this depresses me and I’m seriously convinced that I will lose this hearing.  I keep praying and did some prep work but I’m going against a company that wins at any cost.  I can’t afford to lose my benefits, not yet.  Yes, I may have a job lined up but I haven’t heard anything since Wed. 

I just want this over with and I want to win.  I’m not sure I’m going to sue evil security company anymore.  I just want to move on with my life.  It’s not unlike getting out of an abusive relationship and the abuser and your family keep trying to push you back into it.  You’ve left, moved away, and have absolutely nothing to do with the abuser but nobody believes you about the abuse so they keep talking about the abuser and keep in contact with the abuser and even tell the abuser where you are so that the abuser finds you and you end up hurt all over again.  You try to leave, again, but nobody believed you before, so you’re forced back and the abuser wins.  You know you need to leave but you can’t trust anyone because they all support the abuser and believe you to be a liar.  You’re not even sure you can believe yourself because you’re the only one who identified and acknowledged the abuse.

So you stay till you can work up the courage to leave again and this time you don’t tell anyone.  You still doubt but you’re safe.  The abuser and your family and their family can’t find you, at least not for a while. 

Then you’re found.  Maybe by one of your family who this time finally believes you.  Or maybe doesn’t you but doesn’t care much for the abuser either so doesn’t tell.  Or doesn’t believe you and tells but this time you have real support because you found others like you who went through the same things you did, the same disbelief, the same support for the abuser, the same legal issues.  So as much as you don’t want to, you fight.  You fight because you are tired of it all.  All the running, all the lies, all the abuser’s manipulative tactics, all the hurt, all the pain, all of it.  You just want it to end, to have everything done and over with.  You’re just so tired.

So tired that suicide seems like a good option.  You’ve wouldn’t have to deal with all the garbage, lies, pain,abuse anymore.  You would be free.  Free of it all.  People would be happy that you’re gone.  Your family because all they ever saw you as was a complete and total failure that should have died at birth so that you didn’t inflict your miserable, useless, deplorable, idiotic, stupid self on their lives.  You’re better off dead to them.  They don’t love you.  Never have, never will.  Friends,.what friends?  You’re just too pathetic to be somebody’s friend.  No one in their right mind would ever want to be friends with you.  God?  If he’s anything like your parents, he’ll probably be happy you’re gone, too, if you show up on his radar at all.

Does this make me suicidal?  I’ve certainly had those thoughts.   But I’m not going to commit suicide.  Nobody good wins. At this point, I just have to suffer.  And I’m crying so hard right now.  I just want this to be over.  At least by Monday afternoon, the hearing will be but it will still be two weeks before I get the decision.

Anger That Lingers From the Voices in My Head

This whole stupid mess of having to deal with my former employer, the evil security company, the hearing, and possibly suing them with the help of a lawyer has the voices I thought I had gotten away from are now invading my head.  I hate it because it ramps up my anxiety and I end up dwelling on all the shit and harassment and stress I had to ensure while I was there.

I was thinking back to when I think the ramped up harassment and bullying started.  I thought it may have been when I reported a certain make colleague who refused to step up and do his share of the work.  I  didn’t blame him, even found excuses to explain his behavior.  I told this to a manager because he asked and I think he went and told this officer because this officer confronted me and screamed at me that I ended up with a major panic attack.  I remember writing about that here before.  But I can trace the harassment and bullying back further to when I transferred to dayshift and I ended up dealing with an extremely self-defense and arrogant individual who thought he was god’s gift to security and women.  He also didn’t practice personal hygiene and was a nasty chain smoker.  He’s lie about to one supervisor and I’d report his damaging the vehicle with spills (new patrol vehicle so nothing was allowed in the vehicle, not even water.  He’s make up more lies after I reported.him for other damages or bad behavior.  Then the boss got involved and I still had to deal with bullying and harassment because thus other officer was male.  Did I also mention this other officer was extremely morbidly obese and refused to do anything about it?  And I know he wanted in my pants.  He still grosses me out, just thinking about him.  Thankfully, he moved to another post but caused me so much trouble.  And the supervisors refused to do anything about him.  And there were things he really should have been fired for.  To my knowledge, he’s still working there.  But after he switched posts, at least I didn’t have to deal with him anymore.  Thank God.

Things calmed down for awhile.  Then they desired to change a very big procedure and my work load increased significantly.  And this officer, who should never have gone back to vehicle patrol, refused to help.  He was lazy before and he never changed.  Any way he could avoid work or helping a fellow officer in anyway, he avoided it.  Everyone knew he couldn’t be relied on.  Did the supervisors do anything? No. 

Then I had the meeting with the manager.  With two of the other managers and Supervisor.  I reported this officer and another officer who was borderline sexually harassed me.  I honestly thought he was going to do something constructive about the matter.  No.  I ended up with that said officer in my face and a panic attack.  I reported it to the supervisor.  Then I waited.  Again, I thought they would take me seriously.  No, again.  I got written up for gossiping even though I hadn’t gossiped and the line from the handbook about inappropriate and dangerous conversations didn’t apply.  But hey, truth doesn’t matter.  Just protecting the boys from those evil women.  I learned they weren’t going to take anything I said seriously except for a very few things.

The first incidents happened between November 2011 and March 2012. That second incidents took place in the summer of 2012. 

Then construction on campus changed and many officers were let go but at this point it doesn’t make much difference because there are still well over 175 officers on staff for the campus.  Eleven supervisors including those of the control room  and construction and five managers.  To compare: when I started in Sept. 2009 there were 75 officers, eight supervisors, and only two managers.  Big difference.

There were also some big changes in personnel: lobbies were upgraded and those officers had to reapply for their jobs.  They also got different uniforms and a pay raise.  But they were still doing the same job as before.  A job I had done when I first started there.

Then the account manager for the evil security company was on campus more and considered the lobby officers to be the epitome of security officers and have them whatever they wanted.  And whatever the client wanted because he refused to stand up for his employers.  So if that meant paying more for health insurance out of pocket (which we were already doing ) or not caring about the fact that certain posts required officers to work in terrible working conditions with terrible clothing options as long as they were never seen by higher ups, he didn’t care.as long as he could continue to brown-nose the client company and say we provided security to so-and-so.  It was all about image.  Always about His image.

Then Here Bully decided to tell vehicle patrol and only vehicle patrol that they couldn’t wear the parkas (which at least afforded some warmth.and protection from the cold and rain) because they had a hood.  Doesn’t matter if it’s pouring down rain you better not be wearing that good or any protection on your head?  Why? Because it was a safety hazard.  Because being drenched with freezing rain and catching pneumonia doesn’t matter.  Safety, or perceived safety, is more important than your health.

So can’t wear the parks or the bomber jacket because a particular supervisor called it a personal jacket and told me she wrote me up for wearing it.  So I wear my own jacket, which is mostly waterproof, over the uniform with the safety vest over the jacket. As vehicle patrol, we were given a little leeway with the jackets.  I could still wear my own as long as it only came to the waist and was solid black.  So I switched jackets, since I had one I could wear.  There was another vehicle patrol officer who also wore his own jacket and no one made a fuss.  This also when my allergy to polyester really started to flair badly. 

Then Herr Bully decided to ramp up conformity and declared vehicle patrol had to wear uniform clothing and jackets only.  Still no parks allowed though many wore it because it was better than the pathetic bomber jacket.  Neither kept you dry but the parks at least kept you warm.  So the supervisors went after vehicle patrol.  Now we were not the only ones wearing personal jackets.  I know of at learn one if not two lobby officers who wore personal jackets while on post in the lobby.   ON. POST.  So tell me why you go after only one group and not everyone.  Of course it’s favoritism.

Then in March of this year, I finally get my eval that was due in December.  That’s where the whole garbage that I don’t play with others came from.  I think most of that eval came from the times between Jan. and March of this year because of things that were mentioned and heavyweight how negative the eval was, even though I was told otherwise.

I had gotten a doctors note in Feb.  but hadn’t heard anything by the time of the eval.  Then I got a call from HR from Big Far Liar saying I needed another doctors’ note.  So I told her what the problem was and have her permission to call the doctor and discuss with him.  I signed and ROI or release of information form so he could talk to her.  Otherwise, I would have had to make another appointment which would have been months out.  So Big Far Liar called the doctor.  I think she harassed him in some way and she came down with me needing to wear the uniform with NO undershirt underneath.  So I end up wearing my clothes (black cargo pants and undershirt and jacket) under the uniform.

I’m obeying the rules.  I’m wearing the uniform even though I’m in pain from shrinking my body away from the uniform fabric and have a permanent rash over the top half of my body.  I’m obeying even though it hurts me to. 

Then, because they’ve been watching for any reason to fire me, they catch me with my clothes on under the uniform and suspend and then fire me.

This all makes me angry.  I haven’t put in half the stuff that was said and done to me.  Or about how my anxiety was so bad I was having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.  I get so angry whenever I think about that place, about how horribly I was treated, about how In was targeted, about how I went along and let myself be bullied because I was so terrified of losing my job and of being hurt.  I honestly thought if I had been raped on the job that the evil security company would blame me, saying it was all my fault then fire me and maybe even sue me. 

After a while, I didn’t go to work because I had to.  I went because, even though I dreaded going and having to deal with the terrible supervisors and managers, I had certain people relying on me and I did my job really well.  I had to be there not only for many of my coworkers but also many of the construction workers as well.  These people respected me and the job I did and they didn’t care about stupid uniform rules or customer service.  If they needed something unlocked or secured or whatever, that’s what I did.  I did my job.  I followed the rules even when they hurt me.  I lost mandatory, law required breaks because of fellow coworkers needs or because make employers took precedent over a women.  I helped out the control room, fellow employers  and construction workers without thanks many times but didn’t mind because I was helping someone and I really like helping people whenever I can.

In the end, though, it was all about money.  And in the end, that is why they will lose.  You don’t throw away good just to temporarily make a few dollars.  Eventually, all you will have is bad and then where will you be?  Well, it’s not my problem.  Not anymore.

Brain Wars

This whole situation with my former employer and unemployment has been dragging me down and screwing me up mentally.  Did I mention that not only do I have depression I also have anxiety? 

So now with all this I feel so overwhelmed, feel like the company is going to drag me back to work for them and I’ll have to suffer the harassment, bullying,stress, panic attacks all over again and I’ll be trapped unable to get out.  I am so worried that the decision will be that I will not only have to pay the unemployment back but that I will have to back and work with those people that hurt me.  I won’t have any say in it and that’s because the judge says so and the company wants it that way so it will happen.

Now I understand that intellectually that I won’t and can’t be forced to work for that security company again but the company is so big and has people that are so used to getting their way that no matter what the judge decides, I’ll end up back where I was earlier in the year where I was so stressed out that I was having panic attacks and absolutely dreaded going to work.  Not dreaded, loathed.  It was that bad.  I was not like that when I first started there but the last year I was there it just went down hill so bad and so fast that a lot of good people besides myself were hurt.

My brain just keeps going back to the fear and anxiety  I felt like I was still there, working there those last few months.  And now, with worrying about the hearing and finding out what is involved, I’m worried that the company will do the same things as before and lie and harass and bully me to force me into taking their side.  I feel so overwhelmed.

I feel like the company is going to win no matter what I say.  That they are going to do everything in their power no matter if it’s legal or not to wear me down and tear me down and lie about me that the judge will rule in their favor.  Actually, I’m worried that the judge has already decided to side with the company and that nothing I say will matter.  I feel like I’ve already lost so that I shouldn’t even bother defending myself.

I’m always feeling like I’m losing or have lost no matter what the issue is.  I’m so used to giving in because why bother fighting when I’m just going to lose anyways.  If it involves me, everyone will always take the opposite side because they know they will win.  I’m not good enough or smart enough or valuable enough to win.  I lose.  That’s just the way the world works and nothing’s going to change that.  I’ve tried standing up for myself but that’s always blown up in my face and I end up more humiliated than I was before. And more hurt.  And more convinced that I’m a failure.

I know, it sounds like I’m whining.  Probably the reason why nobody listens to me besides the fact that nothing intelligent comes out of my mouth.

I’m overwhelmed. I’ve already lost and I sound like a brat.  What use am I? 

I’m in such a lousy headspace.  Intellectually, I understand I’m not that bad off.  Emotionally, I just want to hide from the world and not have to deal with any of this or the company.

Some days, I feel that killing myself would be the best option.  Sometimes, I feel that’s what people really want me to do.  They don’t want me around so killing myself would be beneficial to them.  They don’t want to deal with such a loser.  They don’t want to deal with someone who is inferior to them. They want a world full of perfect people and I’m not one of them.  They want winners not losers.  Would I be better off dead? I have no real idea but I don’t think so.

I’m not suicidal.  I do have suicidal thoughts but I don’t and won’t act on them. 

I just feel so overwhelmed and that everything is going backwards instead of forwards, so far backwards that I’ll be stuck where I was and I’ll never be able to leave.  I feel like other people are controlling my life and I get no say whatsoever in what happens to me.  I’m not supposed to think.  I’m just supposed to be enacted upon.  I’m not an individual just a toy, no, not even a toy, a tool to be used and discarded whenever someone wants.  I’m to be used and abused and a I’m supposed to like it, love it even.  I’m lost and will never find my way out.

And So It Continues

Of course, now that that stupid letter came, that horrible place keeps popping up in my head.  It’s wearing me out and tearing me down.

I remember how I felt working there those last few terrible months.  The extreme stress.  Walking on eggshells not knowing what lies they were going to come up with this time.  Afraid of being fire.  Afraid I was going to be hurt or even raped by a coworker or supervisor and be blamed for it.  I was afraid and extremely stressed out and my anxiety was through the roof and was having panic attacks.

People noticed this.  They also noticed and even told me that supervisors and managers were out to fire me.  When other people notice, you know it’s bad.

I really don’t want to face or talk to or have anything to do with anyone from that company.  It hurts to much.  I’ve been slowly healing from all that happened to me there and I don’t want to go back there or undue any work that I’ve done to get post that place.

It’s a black hole that’s sucking me in and I don’t want to go.

So again, I’m not in a good headspace again.  I’d been on half dose of my meds but today I went up to a full dose as a precaution.  I so want to be done with that place.  Why can’t it be over? Why do they have to keep butting into my life and hurting me so deeply?  Getting I’m my head and filling it with such hate and dark thoughts?  I just wish they would leave me alone.  I am so angry and upset.  I want hurt them as much as they hurt me but I can’t.  That’s not me and it’s wrong and they are so big and don’t care.  They don’t feel like real people feel.  They just care about money.  That’s all they’ve ever cared about.

I just want them out of my head and out of my life.  They’re the past.  Why can’t they stay there?

Still Hate But Am Calmer

Well, I’ve calmed down a bit from receiving the stupid letter I mentioned in my previous post.  And I also are some I’ve cream but that.didn’t help any.  Reading.Stuff Funders Like did help because it made me laugh and I needed that more than sugary dairy treats.

I looked back at posts I made on this blog to see what I’ve written in regards to the whole work and uniform question.  I wrote not only about that but about bullying and sexual harassment.  Granted, I never mentioned the company but that was more to protect me than them.  I have at least a dozen instances of writing about what was done to me there and how I got screwed over and when it all started going down hill.  I have no idea if I should even use these in the hearing because it’s personal venting and probably considered few on facts but it’s proof to me that I wasn’t and am not making things up.

Now I just have to wait for the stupid letter indicating the date of the hearing and then the hearing itself. And the final decision.

Or I could just screw them all over and get a job.  Because that would be the best revenge.  Moving on with my life and forgetting them.

Sick and Depressed

Which describes how I’ve been.  I’m mostly over being sick though my depression has flared up.

I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I’m afraid of going to work tomorrow because I don’t know what garbage they are going to do to me. The lies that are told about me. The double standard that’s in place.

I’m feeling suicidal though that’s not an option for me.  It doesn’t solve anything.

I’m feeling alone.  That I have to fight a massive battle that has been engineered for me to lose.  That everyone, especially at work, is just waiting for me to fail so they can prove how useless and worthless I really am.

I really want to quit this job.  The last round with Big Fat Liar ended up with me in her office Wednesday practically threatening me with termination.  The supervisors have been going after the good employees like myself and C but not after male employees or Codependent at the main lobby who breaks the rules blatantly and with the supervisors permission because she flirts and probably gives out sexual favors. Add in Handsome Tyrant, the new supervisor, and that place feels hostile.  Handsome Tyrant actually told me last week that I have to ask his and my male coworkers’ permission before I can go to lunch.  I am an adult NOT a child but not to these men. 
Double fucking standard.  I hate it but it keeps getting worse.  It never used to be like this but this place has turned into a sewer of sexual harassment and bullying that is endorsed and encouraged by management.  Even the one female manager encourages it because she’s a bitch and is the account manager’s lapdog.  Nobody likes it there unless they benefit from the harassment or the bullying or favoritism and there  aren’t that many and they hate the ones that do.

I really need another job one that doesn’t feel like another dead-end with no possibilities of advancement, one where I can use my brains and education and work with people that appreciate and respect what I do and who I am.  Not be a number.


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