Posts Tagged 'health'

When the Fat Hits the Fan

I went to the doctor for the first time in over three years Wednesday (the state plan that I finally got at the end of June; bureaucracy). Surprisingly, I got to see and keep my doctor I had before. I was able to go back on my meds for the depression which I now have an official diagnosis for; previously it was adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression. (It may be possible that the diagnosis of major depression has more to do with the insurance but then I did tell the doc that I’ve been in tears everday for the last month and have major anger plus I did the inventory and that’s probably why the diagnosis). But hopefully in a few weeks the meds will kick in and the tears will go away.

But I was also weighed (only gone up ten pounds since my last visit but that put me well into the “obese” range). So I was talked to about exercise, which even I admit I need to work on.  At least I wasn’t directly told I had to lose weight, so far.  I did say I was practicing intuitive eating (I still struggle with this but that’s my focus) and eating lots of veggies (also true) but the exercise/movement part I need to work on. I also have GERD, possible IBS, lactose intolerance, and a just plain cranky digestive system that makes for fun times eating.  I also have a lot of stupid ideas about food, health, body, etc that I still deal with.

Then I had my blood drawn. Cholesterol, thyroid, and hemoglobin.  Got the results of the first two tests same day.  Cholesterol had gone up enough that everything I was reading said it was boderline high.  Then the last test and doctor’s notes came today.  I’m now diagnosed prediabetic with another diagnosis of obesity.  So now I’m told I need to lose weight.

Back to Wednesday. Between the doctor’s visit, the test results, and the possible issue of my new neighbor being a potential drug dealer (where do they find these people), I was upset and freaking out. Now, I know losing weight is a very temporary fix and doesn’t really last long. Diets don’t work.  But I certainly had a slight diet mentality/need to restrict myself going on. 

I use research as a coping mechanism.  It sort of works but if nothing else, it allows me control over something.  So I went looking through free apps (who doesn’t like free) to find something to help.  I downloaded two: one for my depression (I was looking for a med tracker but didn’t like any that I looked at) and one to go from couch to running a 5k. Now, I’m not someone who runs for fun.  Hell, I’m not a runner but this app doesn’t expect perfection from the start.  It works with your ability rather than against and starts you moving in increments that build so that you are increasing at a steady rate instead of throwing you right in. I haven’t tried it out yet.

Today, I get the diagnosis of pre diabetes. Not what I wanted to hear. On a curious note, my dad told me well over a decade ago that I was pre diabetic (no clue where he got that from but certainly looks like a self-fulfilling prophecy doesn’t it). Now it seems like I’m a poster child for the medical stereotypes of fat people. I don’t have high blood pressure. I actually have really low blood pressure and always have.  But yeah, everything else fits. 

As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I’m body positive/fat positive/body acceptance.  And I still am.  It helped me fight the impulse to go on a diet (the impulse is still there but I don’t have to give into it).  But when health issues rear their head like this, it’s tempting to chuck it out the window.  I won’t because diets don’t work. 

I did look up what could cause cholesterol to go up and going over what I have been eating.  While I will be limiting certain things, I’m not going to moralize them into “bad” foods or out in out restrict. They’ll just be less often foods and I’ll just have to be more conscious of when I eat them. Again, working on the intuitive eating. Plus, eating them less often will help my lactose intolerance and my very cranky digestive system. And exercise.

I’ve always equated exercise with weight loss. That if you exercise you should automatically lose weight.  While that can be true for some people, for me it hasn’t worked that way.  So I don’t exercise. If I’m not going to lose weight, why bother.  There’s no benefit. 

I’ve learned my body is to be rarely seen and never moved, especially moved in front of other people. So I hate exercising.  But I need to move.  There’s a lot more going on in my head around this that I need to work on like seeing exercise as something only pretty, rich, thin people do (not true but headspace); that you just have to do it not like it (HAES says doing something you like not doing it out of obligation); that you should center your life on physical beauty only (body positive says otherwise).  Add in my inability to find a shirt that fits at Goodwill yesterday and there’s a whole lot of negative headspace. (I did find a really cool scarf/sarong that I bought.) There’s more but this is already a long post.

As for the possible drug dealing neighbor, it’s a bit of wait and see.  It’s easy enough to make an anonymous call to the police. At least my kitchen light has fixed itself.


I’d Like New Knees Please

I’m definitely not the bee’s knees. 

Well,  my knees aren’t.  They have been very grumpy today.  They were fine when I got up this morning but when I stepped out the door to go to Adoration my right knee was giving me grief.  I did kneel for the last ten minutes or so of my scheduled hour and my knee was no worse, even moved a little better after kneeling.

This afternoon I went to do my library volunteer hours. Right knee was again grumpy but I figured as long as I was careful things should be fine (I made sure to avoid the kids nonfiction shelving because that’s the section that is hardest on my knees). However, both knees decided that this whole bending to shelve books is highly overrated and became a nuisance.  By the end of my shift, both knees ached so bad that I was done.  My right knee is slightly swollen and I may wrap it later. I should ice it but the cold, wet weather is  what causes the ache in the first place.

So yeah, I’d like a new set of knees. Or if only one is available the right knee. 

If You Diet, I Will Love You

-Honey, you’re too fat.  You need to lose some weight.  Then I will love you.  But if you gain weight, I will hate you.

Dieting has nothing to do with health.  Oh, it’s certainly advocated as a cure for “health problems” but in and of itself, dieting has no real purpose except to starve the dieter, turn food into an enemy, base the dieter’s worth on a meaningless number, base a dieter’s worth on someone else’s personal opinion, and pass judgment on a person’s body so as to declare it an acceptable human body or not.

Dieting is all about someone else’s judgement and personal opinion being enshrined as scientific fact.  Which it isn’t.  

Dieting is a threat by one person to make the other person conform, through fear of loss, to the first person’s abuse. 

“If you love me, you will diet.”

“I love you.  Losing the weight will only make me love you more.”

“I’m worried about your health.  Losing weight will make you better.”

“You used to be so pretty.  I know you didn’t mean to get fat, but you did,  and I want the woman/man I first fell in love with.”

These are just some examples of the psychological manipulation that takes place to force people to hurt themselves and their health in the name of love.

Diets are deliberately designed to fail. That’s how the diet industry makes its money. And since we are bombarded with their lies about weight, health, and looks many people go on diets to get people to like them or love them or just to fit in. 

Dieting will not improve your life.  Dieting is a deliberate means of setting people up to fail and fail big so that they keep coming back. It’s abusive because it devalues people and says that they are only worthy of love and affection if they are a size 2 and 90 pounds. 

Love and acceptance should never be based on physical looks.  A person’s body is not good or bad because of its size or shape.  A body does not have monetary value and should not be judged on arbitrary, capricious standards.

So diet is a four letter word and is physically, verbally, and psychologically abusive. No one deserves to be abused so don’t diet.  You do not have to change your body to fit someone else’s unrealistic demands.

“Diet” Is A Four Letter Word

Well, I mean, obviously.

But in this case I mean in the pejorative sense.


Friend or foe? Depends on the diet.

Diets are means by which dieters are deliberately set up to fail while others profit from their failures.  They are also means of psychologically manipulating dieters into hating food and so treating food as an enemy.

Dieters are also manipulated into hating their bodies so that they will go on diets which then fail so they go on more diets which again fail.  It becomes a vicious cycle that leaves the dieter as a victim of engineered failure and psychological damage.

Don’t believe the lies.  Diets never work.  Diet companies and diet drugs are just economic gimmicks that these companies capitalize on to make money off of perfectly healthy people by convincing them that they are fat/overweight/obese and that diet and losing weight is the cure. 

To repeat myself:

Step One: Promote unrealistic image of beauty and health.  Claim that looking like this is easily obtainable.

Step Two: Use mathematical hack that is baseless to “factually” prove that most of the country is severely overweight and obese.  Do not use actual, quantifiable, verifiable data.  Claim that this is a major crisis that is much, much worse than terrorism (or any sort of violence).

Step Three: Claim that it is a moral failing, or even better a personal choice, to be fat and so demand that people need to go on diets.  Remember to claim and proclaim often that the image of beauty in Step One is obtainable and all you have to do is lose weight.

Step Four: Create diets and/or diet drugs that don’t actually work.  Publish unrealistic results of studies that “prove” your diet/diet drug works and that anyone can lose weight with your method. Do not disclose side effects.  Keep reiterating that image of beauty.  Make promises you cannot keep.

Step Five: Keep building up panic about “obesity” while continuing to claim that the image of beauty is obtainable.  Guilt and shame people who do not comply.  Come up with new diets and/or diet drugs that do not work but promise otherwise.  Do not look at actual health statistics.  Tweak image of beauty and health so that it reflects an impossible standard that is anorexic is the new thin. Create new hacks to determine new levels of “obesity ” without actually defining the term.  Manipulate existing health studies to say the exact opposite of their results or make up studies or conduct studies funded by the diet companies that prove what you want.

Step Six: Rinse, repeat, make lots of money.  Keep Step Two and Five in the news, keep building panic.

What You Should Really Do:

Step One: Do Not Diet.  Unless you have a medical condition that requires restricting food or eliminating foods (diabetes, food allergies, food intolerances, etc.), diets are useless and should be avoided. 

Try Intuitive Eating instead. Intuitive eating means listening to your body and what it craves.  If you want a cookie, eat a cookie.  No, you will not go wild and eat cookies for the rest of your life.  Diets make food forbidden so when you start intuitive eating your brain has to reset.  You have to “go wild” for a while so that you learn and understand that diets lie. So while you might eat cookies for a few weeks, eventually your body will crave fruits and veggies and will want those more than the cookies.

Do Not Read Diet Books or Beauty Magazines.  They are pure fiction and highly Photo Shopped.  Read fat positive books instead.  Or real fiction.  Your public library can help you find awesome new reads.

Do not read news articles about health or diet.  They really just advertising not truth.  They lie about long term, sustained weight loss (which is defined as losing 10 percent and keeping it off for only a year.)  After five years, just about everyone has gained back the weight they lost.  There are no studies that go beyond this because they would prove that all diets fail and that would mean loss of money.  Lies make money, not truth.

Step Two: Get moving.  Call it exercise but get your body moving.  Find something you like and do it.  Dance, yoga, swimming, running, walking, etc. but find something.  If you don’t like running, don’t run.  I think runners are crazy unless there are zombies involved.  Then you probably need some really awesome weapons and unlimited ammo. Or, you know, avoid the whole zombie apocalypse all together.  But move.


Zombie! Run away! Run away! These guys don't worry about diet or exercise. Just brains.

Most importantly :  Accept who you are.  You are the only you there is and will ever be.  Your body is nothing to be ashamed of or something to hate.  You are not deserving of hate.  No one is.  Don’t believe the lies.  Love yourself as you are right now.

Half Over

Sorry, meant to post sooner but between the stupid cold, probably blowing out my right ear drum, my mental health tanking, and pressing financial issues I just haven’t had the energy to write.  At least I’m healthy again.

I hate this time of year because it is hard emotionally.  I never have a good time with holidays.  So this part of the year is depressing, starting about mid October and lasting until the end of February/beginning of March.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, my birthday were not good days growing up.  That’s lasted well into my adult years.  When I was on medication, I was able to weather these days and seasons much better.  But unemployed and without health insurance means no meds so bad times for me.  Add in the issues with the one friend, which doesn’t help either. 

And this year, no one has invited me over for Thanksgiving. The friend that did last year, the one I’m having issues with, is barely talking to me.  I bet she won’t remember until after, if she does.

At least I have a lead on a job.  It’s season retail but it’s a job and will be good for my resume especially with the year and a half gap since leaving evil security company.  I really need the money.  At this point it’s so bad that I can’t drive anywhere because I need gas but literally have no money. 

I’m still looking for recipes for the cookbook I’m putting together and want them by Saturday.  Though I figure at this point the cookbook isn’t going to be ready for Christmas which sucks but it is what it is.

Digging Out

That’s where we’re at weather wise.  Of which I did about two hours of this morning. 

I cleared more of the walkway that leads to the stairs up to my apartment. 

Cleared the parking spot next to my car and started on my parking spot.

Helped a neighbor kid clear more of the parking lot so his mom could get out.  And we both cleared up the snow the plows has pushed to the sides of the road for the one exit out of our apartment complex.  We made it so the cars leaving wouldn’t have to drive over compacted snow/ice and cleared a track to the street.  All in all a lot of good physical labor.  So I’m sore.  My right hip and that side really hurt when I first started.  Apparently, I’m getting old or something.

The temps are above freezing and it’s raining so now we’re dealing with slush.  The snow might be gone by June.  We’ll see. 

Me, I think I’d like a new hip and grouchy-free knees.  I suppose a hot shower, ibuprofen, and a heating pad will have to do.  And some orange juice except I don’t currently have any.  I didn’t buy enough last time I was at the grocery store. I’m not sure I want to drive yet but it depends on what tomorrow is like.

Good and Bad

That’s what last week was.

Good in that I seen to be mostly back on a reasonable sleep schedule.  Bad in that my emotional health was at an all time low.  Before medication, I used to cope with these levels of stress and anxiety by what I call researching, which quite literally,means I would research options to whatever problem I was dealing with at the time.  Almost always financial.  So I would check the bank account, check whatever account (usually student loan) was the problem, come up with solutions.  It’s more involved than that and until being unemployed I was never late with a payment.  I did, however, tend to overdrawn my checking account on occasion or be low enough that I had to wait until the next paycheck before doing whatever.

This time I’m just broke.  And even the help I’m getting and which I have to pay back (with interest to my parents at least) isn’t enough.  It doesn’t help that rent went up $15 and not the $10 I had thought.and now I’m really short.  So now I’m trying to find money.  Up until Saturday when my friends lent me money for groceries I was running out of food.  And toilet paper, which is a definitely necessity as you all know.

But Thursday night was a really bad night for me.  Really bad. In tears bad.  Eventually I ended up researching and figure looking at applying for food stamps.  That will help even if it’s only a little.  And I may go to St. Vincent de Paul which is a Catholic ministry that helps feed people along with other forms of assistance.

And my (undiagnosed) IBS is acting up.  I woke up this morning in pain.  Except  I was not missing Mass for a second week in a row.  So heating pad and finished off the one bottle of Pepto and started the other.  I was fine enough for Mass though I wasn’t so sure on the drive there.  I was invited over to my friends but chose not to go which was good because I ended up sick and in pain again.  Actually, I’m on my third round and I’m not sure what set off this round.  Figured out the first two but this one is unknown except that maybe my digestive system just there in the towel.  Who knows.  Not painful but not pleasant either.

Oh well, off to deal with rumbly tummy and finish off a book.  I still haven’t figured out whodunit.


Type this later, if I remember.

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