Posts Tagged 'job'

Stupid Anxiety

I’m still freaking out about starting the job tomorrow.  I drove out to the place to see how long it would take and as I was driving away from there I really didn’t want to go to work tomorrow.

I got to the grocery store and was fighting back tears.  I told myself to give it two weeks and if I still felt like this than I would tell the staffing agency that I need another assignment.

The job itself doesn’t seem like the problem and having a job is a good thing (and a good way for me to cope with my depression).  I just feel like I’ve made a bad decision in accepting this job. That all I do is keep making bad decisions. 

I’ve had two major periods of unemployment now. I think that’s part of the problem because I’ve spent so much time not working and looking for work that actually working is not something I can wrap my head around.  It’s something scary. And I feel like this was just dropped on me last minute even though it wasn’t.  I just really need more time to adjust but I don’t have it.

I did finally hear back about the job from the phone interview.  I didn’t get it. I got a call this morning for an application I put in two weeks ago but turned it down because I’m starting this new one. I kind of wish I hadn’t but it was call center and probably paid less than this job I currently have.

I feel like I’m going to get lost,  not to the location because I drove there earlier,  but after I get there. Or that I’ll get there and they won’t need me. Which my anxiety will like the second because then I won’t work and won’t be anxious.

I hate this.


It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

Oh, wait. There’s the sun. Nope, sun is gone again. And it’s raining. No it’s pouring. Just sprinkling. Now it’s pouring again.

Oregon weather in five minutes.  All today.

Went to the “interview”. Almost a waste of my time. Since it’s a staffing agency, I have to check in once a week to see if there is any work.  So nothing really gained especially since they had nothing for me now.

I get to keep applying to jobs.  Now if my food benefits issue would resolve itself,  things would be better.

Went To Interview

And I’m not taking the job. Not that it was going to work anyways because I don’t work weekends. But I went in knowing I was going to say no and that helped immensely. I will find a job so I’m not worried.

I do feel better mentally especially since I was up before noon.  I feel more functional. So a better day.

Off to pick up a few groceries and get soaked. Apparently it rains in Oregon. *insert heavy sarcasm*

Pre-job Anxiety

I have spent the last week dealing with a constant level of anxiety.  I was first worried that the background check would fail or the training date would be pushed back.  Then it was the details of when, where, and what to wear.  I got that info yesterday and today.  But still freaking out.


The info from the company I’ll be working at was definitely anxiety inducing.  The dress code info was pretty straight forward but the stuff about tardiness and absences was off putting.  It read to me as if one tardy/absence and that’s it.  Well, three and you’re fired.  I understand about being on time and what not.  But I remember dealing with those certain assholes at evil security company who wanted me to be early so they could force themselves into my pants.  Yes, that’s sexual harassment but it didn’t matter.  Just be early; your personal safety isn’t important.  Or expecting you twenty minutes early to do shift change THAT I DON’T GET PAID FOR.  I’m not spending nearly an hour of my personal time at work when I’m not getting paid.  That’s theft.

I guess I’m worried that this job will be just like evil security company.  I know it isn’t because this is customer service, not security, but with how bad it got and the long time between being fired there and being hired here, I’m still waiting for the ax to drop.  Plus, I never really got closure to all the garbage they put me through.  Some of that same garbage is still going on and even encouraged so they get away with murder and I got burned.


Though I’m still grateful I no longer have to work there or deal with those idiots and assholes.

But still freaking out.  I can keep reminding myself that is a new job, that the wording is lawyerese, that this is nothing like evil security company, that I’m just stressed from not having a job for over two years and everyone treating me like a failure because of it, that they chose to hire me to do this job, I’m still going to anxious.  But I can handle it. The weather hasn’t helped either. 

It doesn’t help that I found out yesterday that my other grandmother died.  Or that I was raised with impossible standards and expectations.  I was set up to fail and still fear failure because failure has always been an opportunity for people to hurt me.  I fail, I get hurt, badly.  Failure was and is never an option.  I must succeed and exceed so much beyond success to be considered successful. Otherwise, I’m always a failure.  Which is what everyone wants me to me.

I’ve honestly considered,  heavily considered, quitting the job, even before I start.  I know that’s messed up but that’s how I feel.  But then I would be without a job and then my parents would hate me even more.   So I’ll still work the job, for now.  But I’m that stressed out, anxious about it.


(I like the fact that Autofill suggests assholes and spells it correctly.  Maybe it just knows and understands that sometimes assholes is the best word.)

Changing Reactions

Sorry, this is not a post helping Chemistry students.

I had to text my mother yesterday to ask for a bit more money for the month (car registration is due) and she gets on me about finding a job and how I need to apply with a temp agency. (Which wouldn’t change anything but I can tell her till I’m blue in the face and she won’t listen.) And that made me angry. I thought about texting a response to that but then was “I don’t have to deal with this” so I didn’t respond back. 

Thinking about it gets me angry but now I know that she will not take what I say seriously or care about my feelings.  I cannot change her. So I’m not letting her in my head and I’m not going to whine about it here.  We are just too different.

In the past, I would have been blogging about how my mother treats me like crap and refuses to take me seriously and there would have been a lot of woe is me.  But now, that doesn’t help me any so I just acknowledge that my mother is stuck and that we are just too different. We will never see eye to eye.

I will find a job. It is just taking longer than normal.  And I’m not going to settle for just a job either. I want something I can take pride in, that I want to do, and that allows me to help others.

Call Back

I finally heard back from one of my job applications.  This was one I filled out online back in January.  I have an interview Tuesday morning.  We’ll see how that goes.  I’m still looking for something that would allow me to work mostly by myself though this job would at least bring in money to pay the bills.

I’ve Applied

Finished the one job application.  So now waiting to hear back.

Also, parents are giving me money tomorrow to pay bills so that is also one less worry.

I’m going to look for more seasonal work if only because I know they’re hiring right now and it will be a good foot back in the door employment wise. It’s not my dream job but it will help pay the bills and boost my self esteem as well.  That’s been my biggest issue: fear of rejection especially in light of what happened with evil security company.  And being unemployed for so long.  If I have a job, I’ll feel better about finding a better job.

I still don’t know what I’m doing for Thanksgiving though.  If I end up with no invitation and/or not working, I’ll have to make my own tradition.  However, I’m not making a whole turkey for myself.  And my fridge is just too small for one.  I’ll figure it out.


Type this later, if I remember.

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