Posts Tagged 'life'

A Week Into The New Year

Seven days. Granted we’re expecting more snow here today. Winter has been very atypical here. Normally it’s rain, not sun, temps in the mid to low 30s, and snow. The last time I can recall in raining was a month ago. Very, very wonky. Even with the heat on in my apartment I’ve had to add another blanket to my bed. It’s been that cold this year. Less have been in the low 20s to 10s for several weeks now.

I lasted 16 hours with that tube down my throat. I was throwing up again when I decided to just yank it out because I had enough. Still had a sore throat for two days but I felt better. Won’t get the results for awhile, though. I get the endoscopy Tuesday though I still need to find someone to drive me there and back. I also did the blood test for celiac and don’t have it. Not that I thought I did.

I heard from my baby sister yesterday. We hadn’t texted in awhile so she did last night. I talked her into a birthday present. I should be getting it next week. 

I think I’m over the worst of the withdrawal. I do have a really messed up sleep schedule again. 

Middle? End? Beginning?

Well, it is the end of the year. Chronologically that is.  I don’t think 2016 was a horrible year for me. Certainly a stressful year with a resurgence of my depression and anxiety in the latter half.  But overall, it wasn’t bad.  

I planned early on how to deal with all the election stuff (I voted but I don’t hang my future on politicians and what they do or don’t do; I have better things to do with my time and politicians can’t fix my problems).  

My beloved Cubs won the World Series after 108 years which I am very grateful for. (Cleveland, keep up the good work. I respect that.)

I fought state bureaucracy to keep my food stamps (though I still feel guilty for being on them for so long and not having a job yet). (Also, idiots in comboxes/politicians/people who push their politics as if it were exactly the same as religious beliefs don’t have a clue what’s it’s like.  They sit back in judgement they pass on everyone while they believe themselves superior to those needing assistance.  They would rather people starve and die then have people receive help.)  As a single woman, I don’t have a lot of options. Very few actually. So I am on food stamps and the state health insurance. I feel guilty and even ashamed for having both but I don’t want to starve and I need help with my depression.  I hate hearing how I’m lazy, how I’m cheating the system, how I’m a failure, how I just need to work any job no matter how lousy it pays, how I need to have dignity and respect for myself, how I need to fill in whatever impossible, judgemental standard you want. I don’t want to hear this. It was hard enough to choose to go on food stamps and state health insurance in the first place. I don’t need more guilt or shame.

I’m still looking for a job. I keep applying. I just wish it wasn’t taking so long.  I’ll keep at it til I do get a job. I’m not giving up but it is hard and demoralizing. I am very weary and frustrated in my lack of finding a job.  I feel like I’ve missed my chance, that I’ve ruined things by not finding a job sooner. I feel that I am being pushed to find a job I don’t want and that won’t cover all my bills just so I can have a job and not be punished by not having one.

I’m going off my antidepressant. It wasn’t really working and I was tired of dealing with the side effects. I had already lowered the dose, then went to every other day which I started on Christmas, and am now just stopping it altogether. I decided that earlier today. I want to try a different medication but I want this one out of my system first.

I still have a messed up sleep schedule.  This week has been the worst. I don’t know why but it’s been the most messed up I have ever been. I’ve been up since 4 yesterday afternoon (well, a bit of a doze on the sofa last night) and am not really tired. 

I still hate snow. We had several snows days here and we’re expecting more snow tomorrow. I don’t want snow for the new year. Below freezing temps are fine but no snow.

I do like volunteering at the library even if I keep muttering about hating people because they can’t remember the alphabet when shelving books. I’m always tempted to ask if people who come into the library know the alphabet. Little kids get a pass (though they can it recite just to show off and if  a five year old can say the whole thing correctly I’ll have proved my point) but adults do not. But I can’t ask and I keep muttering about hating people.

It may be New Year’s Eve but it just feels like Saturday to me. Considering I’m now ready for a nap, I’m okay with sleeping through midnight. I’m certain I could think of more good things that happened this year but I’m so tired that I keep imagining I see a spider out of the corner of my eye which means I need sleep. I’ve been up 21 hours now so sleep is probably a good idea.  I could stay up longer but I don’t want to or need to.

So have a Happy New Year. Stay away from snow.  Read more books, especially ones on honey badgers or giraffes. Or cookbooks because you want to try a new recipe. Avoid diets like the plague. Volunteer. Recite the alphabet. Speak like a pirate. Steal a spaceship. Live long and prosper. 

See you next year.

The Phone is Dead. Long Live the Phone

Yes,  I had to get a new phone.   At least upgrading wasn’t  expensive.  Actually, it was free and a payment plan.

The processor in my other phone was dying so I needed to get a new phone.  And I need a phone to be able to get a job.  I spent so much time running around yesterday trying to fix that phone.

First I went to Best Buy and the guy is it’s either the battery or the processor and sent me to Batteries Plus to get a new battery.

Then Batteries Plus where the guy tried a new battery but it wasn’t the battery.

Third trip and back to Best Buy to talk to another  guy who said it was the processor dying.

Fourth trip was to T-Mobile who updated the software and did a reflash.  Which lasted all of 45 minutes.  So I deleted everything off the phone and went back today and upgraded.  So hopefully this one will be good.

And now I have to figure it all out.  And put in all my contacts.

It’s Been Awhile

Sorry I haven’t posted in two week but I’ve been dealing with a few things.  Or not dealing with them as the case maybe in a few cases.

Friendship issues and what friendship means, what it is in my life or lack there of

Money issues, as usual

My depression

Food or lack there of, though if you write out a list of what you have you may be surprised or realize what is edible or what needs throwing out or is only useful for baking or that you are happy with protein and veggies and tuna and rice, though you need a bit more variety of veggies and more tins of tuna.  And that halved cookie recipes are much better and easier to make for one person and that I much prefer baking with butter

Feeling like a complete and total failure though that’s more the depression

Seriously thinking of going back to school for my master’s degree possibly in criminal justice since that fascinates me more

Wishing I wasn’t so messed up, that if I had just continued do what other people wanted and focused on making them happy instead of acknowledging the abuse I suffered that I wouldn’t be so messed up right now that even looking for a job scares me because I don’t want to end up in the same situation I was before this time last year

I’ve been unemployed for a year now and again, feel like an idiot for being unemployed so long

I still hate Big Fat Liar and the campus manager and the other managers and supervisors for what they did to me and the unsafe and bullying workplace they created and encouraged.

So yeah, lots of stuff.  And books.

Off to bed.

The 40 Hour Work Week

You know, they don’t tell you 40 hours is long and short all at the same time.  Actually, in my case it’s just really boring but it’s a job and hence the main reason I haven’t updated here in a while.

We can spend 40 hours working.  Professional athletes spend about that much time if not more training.  Parents and kids will spend about that much time not talking to each other because of work, school, extracurricular activities, etc.  Mass becomes a chore, another thing to be checked off the list of a million things to do.  Or worse, gets completely dumped because some other secular activity takes precedence.

So where’s God in all this?  How important is God in your life?  And I don’t mean the externals.  Or I should say, not just the externals (reading the Bible or lives of the saints or other spiritual writings, charitable work, etc.).  God call all of us, not just a part of us.

Maybe that’s something that all of us need to work on.

 

 


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