Posts Tagged 'medication'

New Meds Again

Sorry I’ve been away.  I just have no interest in things.  And no energy

The Welbutrin didn’t help or hurt so the doc put me on Lexapro.  Two big side effects : increased anxiety and screwed up sleep.  Not fun.  I told the doc if this one didn’t work then I want to be off meds because this is the forth (4th) medication I’ve tried and doesn’t seem to be working.  I called for counseling but there was no availability. 

I have been making it to Mass every week so that helps (even if I was late this past Sunday).  

Still working on finding a job. I need one soon. The woman in charge of the paperwork part of the food benefits program does not like me. Dealing with her drives my anxiety up so I avoid dealing with her as much as possible.   She keeps changing the rules about what I have to do and what I can include on the paperwork (no interviews unless I physically walk to at least five separate businesses and physically fill out an application on site and then interview).  She’s also given me really bad advice about how to interview (she wants me to bad mouth my previous employer when you are never supposed to do that and to make myself look like a horrible candidate by bringing up immaterial stuff from previous jobs i.e. say that I got written up when I was working for evil security company). I want to leave evil security company in the past.  I’ll talk about why I was let go but I won’t bad mouth the company. (Just thinking about evil security company is activating my anxiety; that place was majorly anxiety inducing towards the end).

Still volunteering at the library and still very mildly frustrated that people can’t remember the alphabet when reshelving books.  I like working there but the are times when I want to go up to random patrons and have then recite the alphabet.  I don’t but occasionally I feel like it.



That’s largely what I feel right now, numb.  I believe that’s a,little bit from being back on my medication again.  It will pass but the numbness existed before I went back on my meds.  I’m back on them, at least the small supply I have, to get through the next couple months.  Plus, I was having too many serious crying jags and suicidal thinking.

While the meds only help a little, they help in the most important ways.  It’s only been a week and I’m much calmer, which is what I remember from the first time I was on them.  My emotions aren’t all over the place.

However, I have less energy than I did before but I think it’s just an adjustment my body is making.  That means I don’t get out of bed before 5 p.m. and haven’t been out of my apartment since Wednesday. 

I didn’t make it to Mass this morning and then decided not to go to Spanish Mass this evening.  That has been something that I have been struggling with/questioning/having doubts/etc. about: my faith.  I think a lot of this right now comes from being unemployed so not working, so not busy.  I believe and I understand what I believe but there isn’t much of an emotional connection, I would say.  I definitely have religious habits (oh boy, what a pun) but they don’t make faith.  I question if I even have faith.  Like I said, I believe but belief and faith are two different things.

Now, honestly, I could never be anything but Catholic. I was raised Catholic and have therefore been Catholic all my life.  Nothing else makes sense.  And yet, I still feel like I’m missing something, that I don’t understand, that I don’t fit. 

Granted, I honestly don’t fit in in just about all Catholic circles because I’m a 31 year old single woman with no family (in the area), no intention of getting married, and largely lower middle class (I’ll never be rich, hell, I may never be able to retire).  I’m a nobody with no prospects so therefore I’m unimportant and very much ignored. 

I don’t know.  I just want something more.  I know I want to be more than some minimum wage schlub.  I know I want to be important.  I know I want to be wanted and needed.  I know I want to feel something when I get a hug.  And I know those are all selfish things. 

That I should be happy and extremely gratefully to have a dead end, minimum wage job.  That I should be thankful that nobody wants me or needs me because being unimportant is more “Christ-like” than being important or wanted or needed.  That I should be grateful that I have so little that if I were to, lose it all then it would be easy to replace, that I’m easy to replace. That faith is not based on feeling so not feeling something is a God thing.

And yet, that’s all bunk, too.  I just don’t know.  Add anxiety and depression and the abuse by my mother and being told all I need to do is pray and I’ll be cured immediately doesn’t help either. 

This isn’t making much sense.  I think I’ll stop now.  Maybe write it longhand.


Type this later, if I remember.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 218 other followers