Posts Tagged 'money'

One Of Those Days

So I never did hear from the bureaucracy. I waited all day.  I’ll deal with it on Monday, maybe.  But with how many times I’ve dealt with them in the last few months and they said they would call, all of this is on them. 

I did call the phone company to try and fix my phone.  Calls from someone in my contacts are fine.  Calls from unknown numbers screw up my phone. Hell, the phone company couldn’t call me after I called them, tried to follow the emails they sent me, and had someone call me. I’m going to try to the store tomorrow.  Hopefully, that goes better than this.  I may have to do a reset. Tried to wipe the cache partition  but the instructions I had didn’t work. And I tried many, many, many times.

I talked to my baby sister (hey, I’m the oldest, I can call her anything I want) and found out the reason my mother has decided to cut me off is because my stupid man chasing sister S broke up with her boyfriend that she was living with in Idaho (after breaking up with the New York boyfriend she was living with before) and moved back in with my parents that live in Kansas. And since S is my mother’s favorite, she’s getting the monetary benefit without having to look for work or take responsibility for her actions and behaviors.  Not that S ever has. She’s gotten away with near murder all of her life due to being my mother’s favorite.  Unfortunately, I ended up crying while talking to my sister and explaining why I was having a bad day. And also unfortunately, she passed that on to my mother who texted me again. So I had to deal with her again.

Money has always been an issue that causes me anxiety.  It always has. We weren’t poor growing up. My dad had a really good job with really good benefits. My mother did hate spending money on me and I can recall several incidents growing up where she manipulated me into choosing some trivial item over a necessary item. There were also a lot years where my clothes came from thrift stores while my sisters got all new stuff from from really nice stores.  And I knew at Christmas not to ask for anything I really wanted because I wouldn’t get it or my sister S would get it with my mother rubbing it in my face.  There was the Christmas that my grandmother and her second husband gave my sisters actual presents but gave me soap, then told me I had to pay for the soap, and then took the soap away. My sisters got to keep their presents.  I was told I was ungrateful and that I was going to hell. Then there was the time I was homeless and living out of my car.  Or the times I was behind on student loans (I’ve made my displeasure with the evil student loan company known on this blog before) and had to deal with constant phone calls to collect money I didn’t have because I’d been fired by evil security company. So yeah, money has been an issue for a good portion of my life.

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Anxiety and Depression Run Rampant

I did not want to get out of bed today. I just want to hide. I have to deal with bureaucracy tomorrow and I’m afraid that I’m going to lose my food stamps due to the stupid changes in rules.  Actually, I’m totally convinced that I will lose my food stamps and that I will have to pay back every cent I was given.  I’ve pretty much planned on giving up the card and going back to living off what little my parents give me.  Everything is debt and this one is being called due. 

And yes, I’m still looking for a job and applying to jobs.  And the new rules say I have to working to keep my food stamps but of I’m working I make too much to qualify but not enough to eat. 

I hate this. Between spending Christmas alone, dealing with losing my food stamps, worried about my inability to find a job, my depression and my anxiety everything is crashing down.  I’m just waiting for the really big shoe to drop and it will. And it will be bad. And it will be all my fault.

Call Back

I finally heard back from one of my job applications.  This was one I filled out online back in January.  I have an interview Tuesday morning.  We’ll see how that goes.  I’m still looking for something that would allow me to work mostly by myself though this job would at least bring in money to pay the bills.

A Letter To The Stupid Student Loan Company

Dear Idiots,

First, changing your company name smacks of rebranding and criminal activities.  Your customer service still sucks however.

Apparently reading comprehension is not a skill you require in your list of skills.  I just made a payment last week and should not have received any calls for another week, which would be tomorrow.  Instead, you have called me everyday since then.  And when I asked you which loan this was about (I have private and federal loans that you have futzed with), it was like pulling teeth to get any information.  I had to tell you and do your job for you.  And the tone of voice full of boredom except when you switched to demand a payment I couldn’t make didn’t impress me at all.  I was rolling my eyes at your for how lousy you were and how unprofessional you sounded. 

And I was just ticked at having to deal with you and your harassing phone calls.  So I hate you.  I honestly was about to ask for a manager to complain about you.  I may do that next time.  Actually, I will.  I’m tired of your harassment, rude service associates, and money grabbing.

I hate you

Me

========
So I’ve been receiving phone calls from the stupid student loan company and I swear they can’t read.  I know they make notes but they don’t bother to read them before the call or even during.  They just spew out the required payment and expect you to pony up right then and there.  Unemployment, no money, can’t pay, to them there is no valid reason to not pay.  All they care about is the money. 

I’ve Applied

Finished the one job application.  So now waiting to hear back.

Also, parents are giving me money tomorrow to pay bills so that is also one less worry.

I’m going to look for more seasonal work if only because I know they’re hiring right now and it will be a good foot back in the door employment wise. It’s not my dream job but it will help pay the bills and boost my self esteem as well.  That’s been my biggest issue: fear of rejection especially in light of what happened with evil security company.  And being unemployed for so long.  If I have a job, I’ll feel better about finding a better job.

I still don’t know what I’m doing for Thanksgiving though.  If I end up with no invitation and/or not working, I’ll have to make my own tradition.  However, I’m not making a whole turkey for myself.  And my fridge is just too small for one.  I’ll figure it out.

Half Over

Sorry, meant to post sooner but between the stupid cold, probably blowing out my right ear drum, my mental health tanking, and pressing financial issues I just haven’t had the energy to write.  At least I’m healthy again.

I hate this time of year because it is hard emotionally.  I never have a good time with holidays.  So this part of the year is depressing, starting about mid October and lasting until the end of February/beginning of March.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, my birthday were not good days growing up.  That’s lasted well into my adult years.  When I was on medication, I was able to weather these days and seasons much better.  But unemployed and without health insurance means no meds so bad times for me.  Add in the issues with the one friend, which doesn’t help either. 

And this year, no one has invited me over for Thanksgiving. The friend that did last year, the one I’m having issues with, is barely talking to me.  I bet she won’t remember until after, if she does.

At least I have a lead on a job.  It’s season retail but it’s a job and will be good for my resume especially with the year and a half gap since leaving evil security company.  I really need the money.  At this point it’s so bad that I can’t drive anywhere because I need gas but literally have no money. 

I’m still looking for recipes for the cookbook I’m putting together and want them by Saturday.  Though I figure at this point the cookbook isn’t going to be ready for Christmas which sucks but it is what it is.

Poems

Tears Again

Definite tears
This time it’s because you are so low on food that you are hungry but you probably won’t have money for another week, you feel ashamed and judged by the charity people who probably aren’t judging you but you are judging yourself so it doesn’t matter, and a friend that seems more interested in seeing you fail than helping you

Rice is not very satisfying

You feel like the worlds biggest idiot for being hungry, for even wanting food in the first place.  There are kids starving in Africa who are worse off than you.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  You should be grateful that you are hungry and have no money.  You have wealth beyond imagining.  Besides, you could stand to lose some weight anyways.  Nobody likes an ugly fat woman.  Soon you’ll just be an ugly woman.  Maybe dead which would make a lot of people happy.

The choice is a about a half a cup of rice (uncooked) or two scrambled eggs.

Not together.  You don’t want to waste food.  Those are separate meals.  Reducing the eggs to just one would make things last longer.

There’s also a stick of butter but that’s for baking.  Not that there’s any of that happening.  Baking should only happen when you have lots of money and food and a Real job.

That’s what it
Come down
To

A
Real
Job

With Real Money

Because being fired Was All
My
Fault
And therefore should have had another job
Just as soon as I was fired
Forget that I was severely harassed and bullied
Forget I was targeted
It was
All My Fault
Therefore I should be
Over It

Those people didn’t want me eating either. Women with real bodies are
Not Allowed.

Help is only for those they do not have to touch
Or see
Or deal with as actual human beings
Just throw garbage at them and if they aren’t grateful for it, refuse to ever help them again
They aren’t worth it
They are only there to make you look like you care, which you don’t but you plaster on the fake smile and dole out the fake caring to hide your disdain and disgust

The tears have stopped for now.

Still hungry but it’s rice or eggs and I don’t want either
Something with substance would be nice but again, no money
I hate this

_+_+_+_+_+_+

All About You

You take over the conversation
As usual
I am only there to listen
You don’t want to hear me speak
It’s all about you

You make plans then break them
My being inconvenienced doesn’t matter
It’s all about you

You repeat stories
Even when I say I’ve heard them before
You’re always the hero
Like I said
It’s all about you

You complain about finances
Then spend money on impulsive purchases
While I go hungry
Trying to keep a roof over my head
But you only see your want
It’s all about you

You make promises you’ll never keep
Say words I’ll never  believe
Give empty hugs
Close doors behind me as if I didn’t exist
It’s all about you

I shed tears while you glare at
Me
Strong emotions rattle you
You only want smiles and praise
It’s all about you

I’ve come to the point
It’s time
You make think it’s all about you
But I have to think about me

This isn’t a friendship
It’s a dictatorship
And I’m the victim
So I’m leaving

Not that you’ll notice
It’s still all about you

(((So I’ve been on a poetry kick lately.  Which is kind of nice since it’s been awhile since I’ve written poetry.  The first is about my emotional state with regards to the fact that I really am down to just eggs and rice to eat and an not sure about when I’ll next have money to buy food.  The second is about past friends and the way they’ve treated me so it’s a bit of a composite of people and maybe a little of my own past behavior.  I know I’ve done things, looking back even decades later, that I’m not proud of. I just hope I’ve changed enough that I don’t do them anymore.)))


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