Posts Tagged 'suicide'

I Get It

I get it, okay?

I get that I am a failure. 

I get that you’re disappointed in me.

I get that you hate helping me.

I get it that you wish I was dead.

I wish I was dead.

I get it that it was my fault that I was fired.

I get it that it’s my fault that I’m still unemployed.

I get it that people are embarrassed by me.

I get it that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.

I get it that I should never have been born.

I get it that I’m just a mistake.

I gett it that if I had just shut up and put up I would still have a job and you wouldn’t have to give me money.

I get it that I should forget standing up for myself and just let people walk all over me.

I get it that I should work on pleasing others and never worry about what I want.

I get that I am a bad girl going to hell.

I get it that I’m unlovable.

I get it that I’m stupid even with two college degrees.

I get it that my only purpose is to get married and have kids and obey my husband in everything even though I’m not married.

I get it that I’m ugly and fat.

I get it that I should hate me. And I do.

I get it okay.  I’m keeping my mouth shut and letting you run my life so you’ll be happy and I’ll be miserable which is what you always wanted. 

If I could just break my arms or slit my wrists, everything would be better. 

I keep applying to jobs but I haven’t heard back from any.  So still a failure.  I know my parents hate helping me and are going to cut me off soon.  My mother has always considered me a failure and a loser and hates helping me in any way and tells me constantly how much a disappointment I am and how I’ve failed her my entire life.  She also reminds me how stupid I am and how my younger sisters are so much smarter and much better off financially and how much prettier they are and how many friends they have and how useless I’ve always been compared to them and how they were perfect children while I was always needing to be punished.  She doesn’t need to use words now to tell me these things.  She just has to call me and I already know the conversation.

I keen doing what everybody wants but nothing gets better.  I do what I want and everything gets a hundred times worse.  Some days I really want to die. The pain is so bad and nothing I do makes it better.  What’s the point?


Sick of It

I can’t wait for the stupid hearing for my unemployment benefits to be over.  It’s Monday morning.  Right now all I keep thinking is that if I committed suicide right now, this would all be over and the evil security company would be out of my life.

I want the evil security company out of my life.  It keeps barging in, taking over, and hurting me.  It keeps invading my mind reminding me how powerless and nonexistant I am to them.  They just want to squash me like the tiny bug I am.  They want me gone from the face of the earth, eradicated from all existence.  That’s what it feels like.  That’s how horrible it was working for them those last few months.

And now they want to continue that abuse.  And they’re using the courts to do it, to take away my employment benefits.  They believe they have to win in everything, especially when they are the ones who are in the wrong because they are the ones who bully and harass and torture.  The people in this company have no ethics, no morals, no values.  They only care about money.  And they will make money at the expense of peoples’ lives.  If someone dies, even better because they don’t have to pay that person anymore and they can lure another unsuspecting person into their trap whom they will use and abuse for money.  Till that person dies and the whole process continues.

All of this depresses me and I’m seriously convinced that I will lose this hearing.  I keep praying and did some prep work but I’m going against a company that wins at any cost.  I can’t afford to lose my benefits, not yet.  Yes, I may have a job lined up but I haven’t heard anything since Wed. 

I just want this over with and I want to win.  I’m not sure I’m going to sue evil security company anymore.  I just want to move on with my life.  It’s not unlike getting out of an abusive relationship and the abuser and your family keep trying to push you back into it.  You’ve left, moved away, and have absolutely nothing to do with the abuser but nobody believes you about the abuse so they keep talking about the abuser and keep in contact with the abuser and even tell the abuser where you are so that the abuser finds you and you end up hurt all over again.  You try to leave, again, but nobody believed you before, so you’re forced back and the abuser wins.  You know you need to leave but you can’t trust anyone because they all support the abuser and believe you to be a liar.  You’re not even sure you can believe yourself because you’re the only one who identified and acknowledged the abuse.

So you stay till you can work up the courage to leave again and this time you don’t tell anyone.  You still doubt but you’re safe.  The abuser and your family and their family can’t find you, at least not for a while. 

Then you’re found.  Maybe by one of your family who this time finally believes you.  Or maybe doesn’t you but doesn’t care much for the abuser either so doesn’t tell.  Or doesn’t believe you and tells but this time you have real support because you found others like you who went through the same things you did, the same disbelief, the same support for the abuser, the same legal issues.  So as much as you don’t want to, you fight.  You fight because you are tired of it all.  All the running, all the lies, all the abuser’s manipulative tactics, all the hurt, all the pain, all of it.  You just want it to end, to have everything done and over with.  You’re just so tired.

So tired that suicide seems like a good option.  You’ve wouldn’t have to deal with all the garbage, lies, pain,abuse anymore.  You would be free.  Free of it all.  People would be happy that you’re gone.  Your family because all they ever saw you as was a complete and total failure that should have died at birth so that you didn’t inflict your miserable, useless, deplorable, idiotic, stupid self on their lives.  You’re better off dead to them.  They don’t love you.  Never have, never will.  Friends,.what friends?  You’re just too pathetic to be somebody’s friend.  No one in their right mind would ever want to be friends with you.  God?  If he’s anything like your parents, he’ll probably be happy you’re gone, too, if you show up on his radar at all.

Does this make me suicidal?  I’ve certainly had those thoughts.   But I’m not going to commit suicide.  Nobody good wins. At this point, I just have to suffer.  And I’m crying so hard right now.  I just want this to be over.  At least by Monday afternoon, the hearing will be but it will still be two weeks before I get the decision.

Money, Tears, and Suicide

I am not in a good place right now.  I can’t even eat because my stomach is so tied up that I’d end up puking my guts out.

I got the notice for the hearing for the conversation of my unemployment benefits.  It’s the 23rd of this month.  I definitely have to call the lawyer now.  In it, I saw what my former employer said in regards to my being fired and all I can think of and see is that I’m going to lose and have to pay all my unemployment benefits back plus evil security company will want some kind of monetary compensation, hell they probably want back all the wages they paid me.  I know the first part us possible but the second is my fatalistic, end of the world thinking.  All part of my anxiety.

I had just gotten my benefits for the week, top.  But the only thing going through my mind is that if I commit suicide then the evil security company wouldn’t win.  That all my issues with money would be solved.  Money issues have pretty much always made me suicidal.  Especially in the last few years.

I’m still in tears writing this.  Money has and probably always will be a huge hang-up for me.  It is something that will always cause me anxiety especially when I don’t have it and I don’t have anything to eat (I’ve been hungry before) or don’t have a place to live (I’ve been homeless before as well). 

I’ll probably always worry about money and not having enough even to eat.  It wasn’t that long ago that I had to make $5 last more than a week.  And it was only two months ago that I had to limit severely what I ate because I didn’t have money for food at all.

So I worry.  I know finding a job would solve a lot of my problems but I feel like I’m a failure at that as well because all I find are dead end jobs even though I have two degrees.  I only know how to fail because that’s all my mother wanted me to learn.  That’s my default setting, permanently: failure. 

So finding a job is necessary.  I just have to get over my ability to fail at nearly everything.

I just need this stupid hearing to go my way.  And for evil security company to miss the damn hearing or to have some inept underling in the hearing who ends up supporting me or at least is so inept they end making my case for me. 

Well, at least now my stomach is calmer.  I’m still not going to eat for a while even though I have yet to eat anything today, strawberry slush from Sonic notwithstanding.


Type this later, if I remember.

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