Posts Tagged 'traditionalists'

The Club of The Angry God Club

In which out that the Angry god crowd follow a man made ideology rather than accurate theology.  This is especially true for Traditionalists and their rule list.

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately and with a post by a blogger friend pointing out how many Traditionalists may be pro-life but are pretty willing and able to support killing and murder of everyone else especially of those who don’t agree with or follow their rules.  Traditionalists and other members of the Angry god club love to bash people over the head with their list of rules.  Rules they love to backup with Scripture taken out of context along with Papal documents (sound familiar? Protestant fundamentalists do the same thing).  And I came to the conclusion that Trads follow an ideology of their own making.  To them, outward signs and behaviors are more important than internal reality.  All judgment, no mercy or forgiveness.

Trads follow and violently verbally impose an ideology of what they think Catholic tradition looks like.  They say the Church has succumbed to Modernism and forgotten the past while only they have kept “true Catholicism” alive.  They say that the Catholic Church was perfect before Vatican II.  They say people knew the faith better and sinned less before Vatican II.  They say if Vatican II hadn’t happened the Church would be much better off.

The thing is: they’re wrong.  Vatican II was never the problem.  The bad, banal, incorrect, and even sometimes immoral application of it was the problem.  But the Church was no better BEFORE Vatican II either.  The myth of the Catholic Golden Age of the Church is just that: a myth.  But traditionalists hold on to that myth as if it were absolute fact.  The Catholic Church herself is perfect but her members are sinners in need of a saviour.

Before VII, Catholics followed the rules and teachings of the faith because it was what everyone else did.  Most Catholics largely didn’t understand the what or the why.  Father said it so they obeyed it.  This wasn’t faith or true obedience.  It was compliance.  Love of Jesus may not have been a factor.  You followed the rules because otherwise you were separated from the group and you were never to separate yourself from the group.  Passive compliance to keep the peace.

But what has happened and the decline in Mass attendance largely had nothing to do with Vatican II.  Mass attendance was on the decline starting back in the 1950s though there was a surge upwards in the 1960s during and after VII.  Two world wars, the change in sexual mores, economic security through increased consumer consumption probably had more to do with people leaving the Catholic Church (and Protestant churches as well) than Vatican II.  But most traditionalists refuse to see that.  They buy into that myth of destruction and the previous “Golden Catholic Age.”  They focus so much on the outward that they neglect the inward.  And alienate a whole lot of Catholics who are honestly following Jesus and his Church as best they can.  Or even downright push people to leave the Catholic Church because they do not meet the traditionalists man made rules.

So traddies follow a man made ideology of catholicism while the rest of us Catholics, who just want to be faithful Catholics, follow the theology of the fullness of truth of Holy Mother Catholic Church.

Are there good, kind, loving traditionalists out there? I don’t know, possibly, but all I ever come across are the angry, mean, abusive, and judgmental ones. 

Thankfully Jesus isn’t bound to traditionalists.  I’ll take the real Jesus who offers forgiveness and mercy and love and salvation.  His yoke is easy and burden light.  He will not let me go.

Writing A Bad Day

I had to write this out with paper and own because I was in such a bad headspace earlier.  I write this in just over an hour with several crying jags and moments of extreme anger that resulted with me hitting myself.  Like I said, not a good headspace.

Today is one of my bad days.  One of my really bad days.  So bad for a moment I was so suicidal I nearly had the knife to my wrist.  Didn’t do it of course but I was that close.

Right now I am so sulk of anger anger at myself.  I keep hitting myself.  I was reading Nice Girl Syndrome and all I can think, all that’s going through my head is anger, how useless, how worthless I an, how I need to punish myself that learning to stand up for myself  bitchy, narcissistic thing to do.  I just need to be a nice, obedient, silent, submissive girl and then things will work out alright, Good will finally love me.  Then I go to Catholic.Answers Forums where all the talk is about Pope Francis and his desire for a deeper theology of women.  Just about everyone in the Trad forum think that means every American Catholic woman wants ordination because they haven’t been properly catechized to understand they should only be submissive wives and mothers and that should be the only thing they want.  Everything else is a blasphemy and damns people to hell.

There are several women posters who advocate this, even demonizing women who don’t agree with them or their views.  They want women to be submissive doormats men need bigger roles in the Church since more women work in the parishes then men.  Well, yeah, because who v else will work for little while slaving away to carry on the faith.  There’s no real money in parish work and women are willing to do the work while men work in the secular world where they get paid more.  Of course, posters refuse to acknowledge thus; they think if they get rid of the women then the men would come back and take over everything.   Yeah, that’s not going to happen.  Add in the abuse scandals, societal and religious perceptions and expectations of women, plus the pay level, men are not going to do much parish work.  Now that.doesn’t mean they’re absent.  They still do things like Knights of Colombus,  fundraisers, Boy Scouts, physical labor but they aren’t going to become secretaries, assistants, catechists, DREs.  It’s not because they can’t but they know women are better at relationships since they.are trained to be so from birth and men recognize on some level that the ability to foster and.maintain a relationship is important especially in teaching.  Doesn’t mean men are leaving the faith or are absent but understanding how to effectively use the resources and talents you have for the benefit of the whole parish instead of just one person highlights that we are a community of  believers, not just a slapdash group of individuals thrown together.

I find it fascinating and appalling that it’s largely WOMEN who complain about women volunteering and working in parishes.  It’s largely WOMEN who enforce destructive ideas of modesty, sexuality, marriage, abusive relationships. 

It’s WOMEN who slut shame other women for wearing pants, swimsuits at the pool, dressing so that they look attractive, for not being in a burqa.  They are also the ones who fat shame women who don’t fit an ad agency’s idea of the female figure of a supermodel. 

It’s WOMEN who slut shame women for recognizing that they are sexual beings, for enjoying sex within marriage, for not fulfilling their impossible beliefs about Catholic/Christian motherhood/wifehood that had many children with extreme purity where bodies are ashamed just for existing, for even liking guys, for being human, for recognizing that women have bodies, for not following their extreme ideas about purity.

It’s WOMEN who abuse shame women to enter into abusive relationships that are considered “godly” and “biblical” because the man lords it over the girl (girls never become an adult in this world) and abuses her I’m god’s name a decreed by the pastor.

It’s WOMEN who beat women into believing that it is their fault if a boy lusts after a girl, if a husband cheats on his wife, if a woman is raped, if someone in their life comes out gay.  It’s a woman’s fault that men rape, hit, are gay and if only women dressed in burqas, stayed under the power of their fathers/husband, first time obedient, never.question, never educated, then men would be perfect and God might like women but only through men because women are so despicable that they can’t be loved or liked by God, only by Man.

I’m just so angry and taught the only person I could be angry with is myself so I learned to turn that anger on myself and turn it inward. I still think punishing myself would make things better, would make my abusive narcissistic love me, make God love me.  If I just kept the rules fundies/traddies had then maybe God would finally notice me and maybe, very small maybe, love me.  If I just dress modestly, married a man who beat me and raped me, was a stay at home mother who didn’t actually homeschool because the boys would all become priests and go to a boy school (since I can’t have any authority over men and boys are just young men)while I taught the girls how to keep house since that’s all they need to know, always praying the Rosary but keeping silent otherwise, and spanking the children since beating kids is biblical.

If I did all this, then maybe I would be good Catholic woman and God would love me.  Because, right now, by not doing any if this I’m going straight to hell and God is gleefully running his hands together in anticipation of my burning for eternity.

According to Catholic fundies/traddies.

Hey, rules work, don’t they?  Drivers over traffic laws, students obey school policies.  Therefore, rules work.  Do arbitrary abusive rules work? No, but we keep them anyway and enforce them thinking that if we only get them right this time everything would be okay.  Bad things won’t happen, God will finally love me.

And God have us rules, right?  And if we just keep them then we get to go to Heaven.  Right? Yes, there are the Ten Commandments and the Jews have 613 commandments but even they recognize that they can’t keep them perfectly.

I’m still angry, raging.  All 
I can do right now when thought of women just need, I just need to remember that I am damned, that I shouldn’t have the right to vote, should not have an education or a career, that women just need to learn their place a inferior worthless brings good for only being wives and mothers and women should be punished for their being anything but a wife and mother.  I keep wanting to post on CAF  on how women should learn their place, that rape and abuse should be made legal, that women who get any kind of education needs to be beaten, that disobedient wives, need to be spanked, that  women are property and we need to remember this has always been the teaching and we need to go back to this teaching otherwise the world.and Church will suffer.

Remember, all the evoking the world is the result of women.  All I can do is hit myself because I have a need to punish myself because if I punish myself then things would be alright.  I deserved.to be punished,.to be beaten, to be spanked.  I have so much anger maybe if it was beaten out of me then I wouldn’t have it anymore.  I deserve hell.  God cannot possibly love something so utterly evil as me.  I hate myself.  I just wish God did too because it would make it all easier.  I know I’m not lovable.  Why doesn’t He? Why can’t he let me die? I’m so worthless, so evil, so angry.  If He would just punish me, I would finally understand my place with Him.  This loving and forgiveness thing isn’t working out for me.  I can’t be loved.  My mother doesn’t love me.  My dad doesn’t love me.  I don’t love me.  I just can’t get away from it, from me.  I can’t suffer in peace.  I deserve to due and go to.hell.  That’s what everyone keeps telling me.  That’s what I tell me.

I hate this headspace. At least there is an answer to the fundies/traddies: THAT IS NOT CHURCH TEACHING.  Fundies/traddies are a bunch of liars and have gotten in my head.  I want them gone.

To the Fundies/Traddies in my head:

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD YOU LYING, THIEVING, CHEATING HYPOCRITES.

YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR GOD OR THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN FUNDAMENTALIST ISLAMISTS.  NOBODY LIKES YOU.  YOU JUST MAKE YOURSELF SOUND STUPID.  YOU ARE STUPID IDIOTS THAT ARE MORE OBSESSED WITH TEMPORAL THINGS INSTEAD OF THE ETERNAL ONE.

WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

WE WANT LOVE, GRACE, FORGIVENESS NOT JUDGEMENT, CONDEMNATION, ABUSE. 

YOU DO NOT SERVE GOD.  YOU SEEN TO SERVE YOURSELF.  SO SHUT UP.  GOD, JESUS, POPE FRANCIS, AND THE CHURCH CAN SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES AND THEY AREN’T SAYING THE GARBAGE YOU ARE.  SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

ANGER IS OKAY.  USING IT AS AN EXCUSE IS NOT.

HAVING RULES IS OKAY.  ARBITRARY ABUSIVE RULES ARE NOT.

A WELL FORMED CONSCIENCE IS NECESSARY. SHAMING IS NOT.

SUFFERING THE CONSEQUENCES IS NECESSARY.  BEATING, SPANKING, AND PUNISHMENT ARE NOT.

BOUNDARIES ARE NECESSARY AND VERY HEALTHY. VIOLATING THEM IS NOT.

BUILDING PEOPLE UP IS GOOD.  TEARING THEM DOWN US NOT.

LOVE NOT HATE IS THE WAY OF JESUS CHRIST.

Seven pages of handwriting.  That was my headspace several hours ago and has been my headspace too many times.  I hate it.  I don’t want to go there again.

A Letter to Traddies

(If you have no interest it knowledge of Catholicism or the traditionalist movement in Catholicism, then this post is not for you.  If you are interested or just curious, go ahead and read.)

Dear Traditionalists,

You suck!  You’re superiority complex in regards to Latin and tradition is appalling and a huge turn off to those interested in the history of the Catholic Church.  Also, your over-the-top favoritism of the 1950s Cleavers society is not a Catholic Golden Age as you make it out to be.

People do not want to go back to a time with incipent sexism, racism, society approved abuse of women and children, and shunning of those who are just a little bit different as worse than slime on a snake’s belly.  Women especially do not want to go back to being beaten and raped and told by everyone that it is their fault unless it involves a black man and a white woman then we all know it’s because of the color of his skin so therefore he is totally guilty.

The Golden Age of Catholicism never existed, as you purport.  It didn’t happen in the 1950s and it didn’t happen any other time in America because America has almost always been a Protestant nation if it was any kind of Christian nation.  Which it hasn’t.  Quit buying into fundamentalist ideology about the US.  It makes you look stupid.

Traditionalists, when you advocate private, personal devotions as Divine Revelation that must be followed or else and that means Satan has taken over, you make yourself sound stupid.  And again, you sound like you’re parroting fundamentalists but with a Catholic wash.  Also, hyping on pants on women, women covering their heads, women are only to be wives and mothers having 20 kids who all become priests (if boys) and get married and have more kids (if girls), required homeschooling because institutional schools are godless bastions of homosexuality, strict umbilical gender roles, advocating corporal punishments from twisted interpretation of Scripture, and all the other extrabiblical rules that fundamentalists use and enforce makes you look like misogynist and hater whose God is all about punishing and rules instead of love.

Some of us are so turned off by your words and behavior that we are convinced we should only attend a EF Mass if we believe and act in the same vitriolic manner as you.  We come to this conclusion because the only Traditionalists we come in contact with are the rude, misogynistic, violent, vitriol spewing ones who seen to have no love for anyone.

At one point in my life, I may have been open to attending an EF.  NOT anymore.  All of that is due to you behavior and attitude that God loves you more, even more than the Pope because you attend an EF and hold to tradition.

Well, guess what.  I hold to Catholic Tradition too.  Tradition that is defined and allowed by Holy Mother Church.  Not to your personal, narrow definition.  You may say I’m not a Catholic because I don’t attend the EF or veil or think that because I’m a woman that the only thing I’m good for is giving birth to babies to be spanked.  But I Am Catholic.  Holy Mother Church says so and her opinion matter much more than yours ever will.

Yes, I attend the OF.  That doesn’t make me a heretic.
Yes, I believe and accept what Holy Mother Church teaches.
Yes, I wear pants to Mass. 
Yes, I don’t veil because that is my choice and I don’t have a problem if women veil as long as it is THEIR CHOICE and are not manipulated into it. 
Yes, I don’t pray the Rosary everyday though I do pray and can usually manage a decade of the Rosary most days. 
Yes, I have two college degrees and work. 
Yes, I do not plan on getting married or having kids.
Yes, I am a faithful Catholic that does her best, attends Mass, goes to Confession when necessary, and works on loving my neighbor and God.

I get that to a Traditionalist I’m going directly to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200 but that’s your problem because it is your belief not mine or Holy Mother Church’s. 

So to Traddies: Go Procreate with yourself.  The rest of us are going to love God and neighbor because God loves us.

Thank you,

Elizabeth

( Sorry, bit of a rant after visiting CAF and reading some of the threads there, especially some of the ones in the Traditional Catholicism section and the superiority complex some, thankfully not all, have on that particular sub-forum.  Some seen hellbent on alienating and excluding people to tradition and even are own history in the name of Tradition.  Like I said, it’s a huge turnoff and a large option of it is done by people who are younger than me and I’m 31.  There are a few in their teens and very early twenties that talk down to and even ridicule their elders on that forums.  Even I was taught to respect people I don’t agree with regardless of their age.  Manners.get jettisoned all for the sake of God, Catholicism, and tradition.)

Some People

In this case, I mean traditionalists.  They just make me so angry especially when they accuse those that attend the OF as being judgmental and closeminded when I find that it is the traditionalists that are so judgemental and arrogant and judge others by their very untenable and unrealistic standards.  If you don’t fit into a very narrow definition of who they define as Catholic, they call that person a modernist and evil and a heretic.  How is that not judgemental?  Or saying that someone that prefets the OF to the EF is stupid and that if you were really Catholic you would only attend the “real” Mass in Latin.  I won’t get into how they think women are the cause of all men’s sins or how women need be dressed in burqas or that all women need to be slaves to their husbands (women are not to be educated by the way; women are only good for being stay at home wives and mothers with no personality or dreams or talents whatsoever).

I’ve heard that if something makes you angry that it means it’s something you need to give into it because you are rebeling and it is something you need to be doing because you know that you need to be doing it but are rebeling and being angry because you want your way instead of God’s way.  For example if being forced to wear a veil causes you to be angry, then you need to be wearing a veil and give in otherwise you are sinning.  This isn’t true.  Anger is a sign that something is wrong, most of the time.  Yes, there are times when feeling anger is inappropriate but that has more to do with the person than the cause of the anger.

I want to go more into this but it is very late and I need sleep.

Women Are the “Ebal”

Yes, that’s what I said.  Women are evil, well, according to certain people.  Mainly traddie Catholics and disgustingly, a lot of women.  Especially ones in the traddie camp.  Or ones in the quiverful/patriarchy sects.  And they’re still stuck in my head, give voice to a really nasty element that hates women and is working on making me hate myself for not subscribing and living the way they dictate.  And I want to listen to them because maybe by listening to them life will be better.  My mother will finally love me.  I’ll finally be successful at something.  I’ll be making everybody happy.  What if that is what God really wants for me and I’m disobeying, sinning even by not listening?  I won’t be happy but that doesn’t matter.  I don’t matter.  But the horrible voice is still there.

I finally start therapy in a few weeks after finally making an appointment.  That was scary.  It still is.  What if I that say I’m not sick and that I don’t need help?  What if they say I’m too sick and lock me up for the rest of my life?  The medication only helps a little.  What if I lose my job over this?

I found a WordPress app that finally updates here.  I
wasn’t dead, just not near a computer nor had an app to use.  Plus, work has been really bad. 

The idiot I complained about in the last post is gone but now the idiot I work with opposite grave has turned into an ass.  I believe the asshole is trying to get me fired.  He’s certainly bullying me into doing what he wants by lying about me.  He’s even lied to our boss right in front of me when our boss talked to both of us two weeks ago.  But this ass now has me needing to call into the supervisor when I arrive at work AND making sure that my radio check is a minute before my shift starts even though I don’t get paid for any of it.  Bullied because I’m a woman.  He gets his way and I get punished.  I hate him and I hate how I’m treated.  There’s a lot more going on than I’ve mentioned here but I don’t want that asshole in my head any more than he already is which is way too much.

Darkness and Light

I finally get to go back on my medication.  I went to the doctor this morning and found out that I should have been able to pick up the next phase in my medication but it wasn’t made clear to me.  It totally sucked to find that out.  It also sucked to find out that I needed to tell the pharmacy tech that I had a 90 day  supply and not a 30 day supply to pick up.  I was in tears most of the morning.  But at least I get to go back on the medication.  That should help because this past week has been Hell.

Up till this week, it had been years since I had any sort of suicidal thoughts but this weeks brought about those thoughts.  Thankfully, I didn’t have them long or act on them but they were still there and they still happened.   That’s a really fucked up week.

We have a real ass at work.  I already have to deal with chauvinistic pig (a “man” who sees women as objects to please him sexually) and a misogynistic pig ( “man” that sees women as less than and worthless than men and as property and not people) at work, now I’ve got another pig who is a misogynistic pig that is also a bully and a tattle tale.  I have to give this “man” a break in the morning but he refuses to leave (which is against state law, I think, and our post orders), talks down to me, treats me like I’m an idiot, and tells me how to do my job when I’ve worked there longer and know more than he does.  But I’m not the only one he does this to.  He’s also been a bully to other coworkers (male) and harasses our supervisors (though the one doesn’t care) but until he does something really egriguous he won’t be fired.  He’s taken the tactic of wearing us down so that it gets to the point that we are so tired of dealing with him that we won’t say anything so that he gets away with all this since all we want to do is do what we have to and then leave.

Thursday I got so fed up with his attitude that I told him that he needed to leave for his break (like I said this is the rule) and that if he didn’t leave then I was going to leave and he wasn’t going to get a break.  He whined at me that it was cold out.  Well, duh but if I have to work out in it and in much worse weather, he can walk out in it for a few minutes.  He has his jacket on but no, he whined.  I told him he needed to leave.  He told me I could call the supervisor and tell him that he wouldn’t leave.  I told him again that he needed to leave otherwise he wouldn’t get a break and I would leave.   He told me he wasn’t leaving and I told him fine, then he wasn’t getting a break and then left.  He then calls the supervisor to whine about me.  The supervisor then talks to me that I needed to give this asshole a break, in the future, and that if he didn’t want to leave that was okay.  He also said that if he didn’t want a break that was okay but I still needed to write it down in my log that he took one  (which is illegal since our logs are legal documents and that would be perjury and fraud and against the law because he legally has to take a break).  I felt that this asshole was being given all the consideration and I was the one being punished.  I hate how bad coworkers are rewarded and good coworkers are ignored or punished for their bad coworkers bad behavior.  I know all this will turn into something really bad but I’ll be the one hurt and the asshole will get off scot free.

Then there was this thread at CAF and all I wanted to do was give voice to the narcissistic, self-righteous, wrathful asshole that has become a voice in my head.  I wanted to log in under a fake handle and tell her that yes, her daughter is immodest, should be learning how to be a wife and mother not involved in worldly concerns and that these people were right in breaking off the friendship because not only was the daughter bad but the mother is horrible as well. That nasty voice wanted to tell her that her daughter needed to be in dresses all the time as well as her while wearing veils, that Facebook was of the devil, that they both needed to understand that being a wife and mother was the only thing a girl was good for, that they needed to stick permanently to the EF parish because OF parishes are hotbeds of immorality and heresy, and that her and her husband needed to find their daughter a husband fast and have her married as soon as she turned 18.  They also needed to spank her (so what if she is 16) and restrict all her outside access to just Mass and Adoration.  She should not be allowed friends at all.  Her family was all the friends she needed.  She was already in the devil’s clutches and that meant she was leading men and her friends into sin.  They needed to get back on the real Catholic track and things would be right.  Homeschooling wasn’t enough.  They needed to be completely cuff off from all evil influences.

I hate that voice but that voice is now there from the traditionalists, the whole quiverfull/patriarchy garbage that I have read and come in contact with.  What’s worse is that the quiverfull/patriarchy garbage has seeped into Catholic circles especially homeschool and traditionalist circles.  You can see some of it in these friends of the thread’s OP and in other threads on CAF.  I don’t know why this garbage is so exciting and enticing but it is.

This garbage promises control and power and the right path to God and holiness and being better and truly Catholic than Catholics.  You see it every time a new Michael Voris video comes out.  The traditionalists support his rhetoric and name calling and condemning of fellow Catholics and definitely priests and those that see Voris what his video and rhetoric really are are shot down, called heretics and liars and Protestants, and  doing all the same stuff that make Voris problematic to say the least.  Traditionalists don’t crave truth, they crave being right and public adulation for being right and true “Catholics” all the while demeaning and even hurting other Catholics for not agreeing with them.  This thread talks about this pretty well.  Traditionalists are extremely focused on the external thinking this is all that matters when it comes to determining the real Catholic from the Protestant.  They don’t care that the Church Herself allows a lot of variety in prayer and worship.  To traditionalists, external reality determines not only internal reality (which it rarely, if ever, does) it also determines the need for everyone to conform and  who is really a REAL CATHOLIC and who is not.  Actually, traditionalists want conforming and uniformity not unity.  They don’t understand that unity and uniformity don’t mean the same thing.  They don’t want them to be separate things.

For unity and uniformity to be separate things, then they would have to accept that there is more than the EF, more than prayers in Latin, more than living in 1960 with every family like that in Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best.  They are so stuck on externals that they don’t see the trees for the forest.  Uniformity means that everything is going the way they want it and doing what they want.  They want clones and automatons not real individuals.  Individuals are to be despised and forced into conformity not appreciated and grateful for being made individuals by God.  Traditionalists are trying to dictate to the Church and to God on how they want to run the Church, which is funny since this is what they accuse other Catholics of doing.

Reading how the rod verse means understanding and developing the child’s abilities and talents from this post by Elizabeth Esther had me in tears.  When all you were taught was fear and terror and pain, having your abilities and talents recognized is hard to handle or consider because that would mean that you were seen as a person worthy of love and respect not an object to be reviled and punished.  I have a hard time understanding or even accepting or even considering that I have talents and abilities.  I wasn’t encouraged to have dreams and the dreams I had very squashed and reviled.  Even right now I have no dreams for the future because the one dream I had and nurtured was dashed repeatedly.  What’s the point in having dreams when all they are going to be is destroyed.  I don’t have dreams.  All I care about now is surviving and getting through the work week.  I have no future.  No possibility of advancement or achievement, no possibility of doing anything useful with my life.

I was raised to fear everything which colors my life so much today.  I look at the things I’ve done like graduate with two different bachelor’s degrees or travel abroad and wonder how I even achieved those kinds of things because all I ever heard was that I was a failure and that I wouldn’t amount to anything.  I did everything to please my parents especially my mother but it was never enough.  I was never smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, good enough, helpful enough, etc.  I didn’t act exactly as she wanted.  I wasn’t a boy.  I wasn’t perfect though I certainly acted that way thinking it would help.  I was always afraid.  Always afraid to set her off.  Always afraid of doing something wrong and I would be punished and screamed at.  The spanking wasn’t nearly as bad as the screaming.  My mother loved to scream at me.  She loved to shame me and make me feel guilty for every little thing. I still feel that shame today.  I still heap that shame on myself.

I mess up and I blame myself, telling myself I am a failure, that I should have done better, that I knew better and shouldn’t have done it, that I shouldn’t eat that or I needed to lose weight because I am so fucking fat, that I am going to Hell for not being good enough, that God hates me and can’t love me because I’m such a screw up and that if I wasn’t such a horribly evil person things would be so much better, that all the bad stuff that happens like traffic are punishment for my screws up like getting up late and getting to work on time rather than twenty minutes early.  Any more I feel like I need to be punished.  That if I was punished then everything would be better.  That my mother would finally love me.  That I would have friends.  That God would finally love me.  That I would be acceptable as a person.

But I am not punished and I think that I so far gone that I can’t be saved, can’t be helped.  I feel that I need to be punished for God to really love me since that’s how my mother worked.  She spanked me and screamed at me therefore she loved me, right?  I ruined her life when I was sick as the age of six but she didn’t get rid of me like she always threatened.  She kept saying I was going to hell for being a bad girl but I’m already in hell so I’ll never be a good girl even though I was very much the good girl for a very long time.  I thought being the good girl would keep me safe from punishment but it didn’t.  I expect to be punished for every little screw up and sin so even as an adult I have to see bad things as punishments for my very bad decisions (I’m not capable of making good decisions) by God.  I only learned about a God who punishes, not a God loves, well a God who loves everyone else but me.  I’m not lovable.  I’m only good for being punished.  I need to be punished.  Why doesn’t God really punish me like I deserve?  Give me a terrible, incurable disease.  Cause me to be a horrible accident where I lose all physical function.  Kill me.  Punish me. That’s all I deserve.  Love is only for good people.  I am not a good person.  Never have been.  I deserve to die not to live.  Isn’t that what everybody wants?

I hate that I am in this place.  These last few weeks have been hell and this past week pure hell, so bad that I have considered suicide.  Depression is no fun.  I don’t think it will ever get better.  This hell is where I will always live.  That’s what it feels like.

 

I’m Going to Be a Bad Catholic

Yes, I am.  I’m not going to listen to those angry, narcissistic, abusive, self-centered traditionalists.  I am not going to listen to their demands that everyone attend the EF or the belittling of the priesthood.  I am not going to accept their putdowns and comments that women should shut up and never been seen or heard and that they are the cause of all the troubles in the world.   I am not going to pray in Latin.  I am not going to listen to Michael Voris or read or watch anything by him and I never have and never will.  I am not going to look at modesty threads or at thread about the Mass on CAF.  I am not going to worry about praying the Rosary all the time.  I am not going to look at an article of clothing and worry if it is modest or not.  I am not going to worry or think that there is more to do or need to do to be better.  I will not think of my depression as a sin but as an illness that needs treatment.  I will not listen to garbage about how I’m not a true Catholic woman because I am not married, have kids, and not a stay at home mom who homeschool.  I am not going to worry about being Catholic enough and to meet some traditionalist’s personal opinion.

I am going to be a Bad Catholic in that I am going to be honest and do the best I can.  I will trust the Church.  I will listen to Her and Her Groom, Jesus.

I am going to follow what the Church teaches.  I am going to be me which is what God wants.  He created me to be me not some automaton that goes through the motions.  He wants me to be me and live the faith the best I can with His grace.  I will pick the spirituality that best fits me rather than have one imposed on me.  I will attend the OF and not worry about attending the EF.  I will be grateful that I can have preferences in how I worship and pray and that the Church is far wiser in these matters than I am.  When I go to Confession, I will confess my sins and not worry about doing it perfectly precise but honestly and with contrition however imperfect it may be.  I will take my medication to help with my depression because I need it to help combat the bad thoughts and the pain.

This video has been helpful.


Categories

Type this later, if I remember.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 218 other followers

Goodreads