Posts Tagged 'unemployment'

Two Hundred

As in this is my 200th blog post.  Go me.

And I have had 200 likes.  So go you (everyone who’s read and/or liked my blog).

On to the actual post.

I did something very scary and I still feel a bit ashamed.  I went to Saint Vincent de Paul and got food.  Which I really needed since I was down to two eggs, a couple of turkey burger patties, and rice.  So I really needed food. As I was, driving home, I was trying so hard not to break into tears.  I felt like I had hit so far down, was such a failure that I didn’t deserve any of that food or any help. I wanted to return it all.  I didn’t and spent most of the drive home telling myself that I will be okay.

That’s been my mantra, my saying:  I will be okay.  Hopefully, if I say it enough I’ll fully believe it.

I did also managed to apply to another job today.  I hope I hear something back soon.

I also did several other things today which makes this a pretty good day for me. 

First, day four of getting up before noon.  Well, I had to go to Saint Vincent de Paul between 9:30 and 11:30  so I had to get up. 

I also picked up a free item. 

I went to the library which was where I was able to use the computers there to apply to that job. 

I verified two gift cards didn’t work and one that which means I have a little grocery money. 

I also got sun. 

And I called my parents for financial help with the credit card bill.

So I’ve been busy today.

It’s Been Awhile

Sorry I haven’t posted in two week but I’ve been dealing with a few things.  Or not dealing with them as the case maybe in a few cases.

Friendship issues and what friendship means, what it is in my life or lack there of

Money issues, as usual

My depression

Food or lack there of, though if you write out a list of what you have you may be surprised or realize what is edible or what needs throwing out or is only useful for baking or that you are happy with protein and veggies and tuna and rice, though you need a bit more variety of veggies and more tins of tuna.  And that halved cookie recipes are much better and easier to make for one person and that I much prefer baking with butter

Feeling like a complete and total failure though that’s more the depression

Seriously thinking of going back to school for my master’s degree possibly in criminal justice since that fascinates me more

Wishing I wasn’t so messed up, that if I had just continued do what other people wanted and focused on making them happy instead of acknowledging the abuse I suffered that I wouldn’t be so messed up right now that even looking for a job scares me because I don’t want to end up in the same situation I was before this time last year

I’ve been unemployed for a year now and again, feel like an idiot for being unemployed so long

I still hate Big Fat Liar and the campus manager and the other managers and supervisors for what they did to me and the unsafe and bullying workplace they created and encouraged.

So yeah, lots of stuff.  And books.

Off to bed.

Woohoo!!!

Red Sox won!!!  While they’ll never be my Cubies, I will root for Boston when they are in the playoffs or World Series. (Or any team that beats the evil empire, those evil Yankees)  And they won!! So some good news for me.

And yes, I did make it to the library and got most of the process completed for the one job.  I’ll go back tomorrow to finish it and apply for more.  I feel like I accomplished something today.

Something to note: I found physically writing out the anger as letters to the people who hurt me helps me a lot.  I likely won’t post any of them due to the content and because of who they are written to but the process really helps.  Especially with the garbage that was the whole hearing, my former employer, and all that went on while I was still there. Plus, there’s only so much negativity people will put up with from a blogger and I’ll put up from myself.  So more of my angry and depressing stuff will be relegated to paper journals.

Now back to working on reading books from the library. And rejoicing in the Red Sox World Series win.  That’s very important. 😀

I Made the Phone Call

And, yes, I lost my benefits.  I can appeal the decision though it probably won’t make a difference.  I knew this would happen even though I wanted to keep my benefits but evil security company always gets what they want.

Now I really have to find a job, any job soon.  I did it to myself.  This was all my fault.  I hate myself right now.  I don’t want to have to borrow money from my parents.

Three hours later

Yes, I had to take a break from writing this since I was in tears, crying, and a bad head space.

I am appealing the decision.  It may not do any good but it is my right to appeal and so I’m going to appeal.  I believe at this point that I don’t have to pay the benefits I have received back but won’t know for sure until I receive something telling me otherwise.

While I had decided not to sue, I’m entertaining the idea right now.  Will it do any good?  Probably not but I won’t know until I talk to a lawyer.  I still may not sue and talking to a lawyer doesn’t cost anything.  But it’s something to think about. I just need to talk to someone about all this who want involved in anyway in all this garbage.  I need a third party perspective.

I are the leftovers from Sunday.  Not very good as leftovers.  At least they’re out of the fridge.  Cleaned a few others things out as well.

Tomorrow, I intend to go to the library and apply for those jobs I found.  Probably try a few retail places as well.  I need something.  If I have to work multiple jobs, I will. I’m not worrying about the while stupid health insurance right now.  I can live without for now.

I should also walk more.  If I call it exercise, I won’t do it but a walk and especially since there are still trees with their leaves I can look at is much easier.  It’s all in the names you use.

Monday, Monday

Mondays and I don’t get along very well.  I didn’t fall asleep until after five this morning and so decided to sleep until after six this evening.  I didn’t help that I had started my period but I still made the choice to sleep most of the day.

So of course the one major phone call I needed to make I didn’t.  Will a day make a difference?  Probably not.  At least last night, I found a couple of job leads that I will apply for.  And seasonal retail work is starting so there is always that to look for. 

Is any of this I want to be doing?  No but I need a job and this is what’s available.  Hell, I’m even seriously thinking of signing up with the union to join one of the trades.  I may have two college degrees but they are pretty useless at this point.  I know I will never get my dream job.  I learned to get rid of any dreams I had and live in reality.  And my parents messed me up too but at this point this is all on me.  I have to find a job on my own merits.  I’ve done it before.

The thing is I’m great at dreaming not so great at follow through.  I learned or at least convinced myself why bother when all I’m going to do is fail.  I still expect failure even when I succeed.  I think.I did something wrong, messed up somewhere since everything is supposed to fail for me.  Bad logic I know and I can largely ignore it but when important, major decisions come up, it still rears its ugly head.

I guess at this point I’m going to operate as if my benefits no longer exist.  That sucks but I can deal with it.  I will unfortunately have to borrow money from my parents to pay rent and cell phone (I didn’t tell them about the hearing) and I don’t like borrowing from them because a guilt trip is involved and pressure to move to Kansas and live with them.  Which I definitely don’t want to do.  At all.  Never.

Now I’m working on NOT focusing on negative stuff but on the stuff I can do.  And think Autocorrect is very unhelpful at times.

Well, I have carrots and potatoes with thyme and Rosemary roasting in the oven which I am now starting to smell and chicken to cool soon.  So I’m going to focus on dinner and work on reading a few books and then try to get my sleep schedule back on track.

Food and Fun

So first off update: I finally got the hearing decisions, there are two, back.  One says I can keep my benefits.  The other says I can’t.  So I’m not sure what the final result is.  So I intend to call tomorrow for clarification.  I’m also working on NOT thinking about or dwelling on this whole garbage again.  I don’t need that mess.

On to food and fun.  My parish had it’s annual fall festival though this year it was international with an Italian café, German, Filipino, Latino, American, and Indian dinners.  Plus a car show, lots of wind, goats to pet, kid stuff, and a huge raffle.  I got to spend time with my friend and her family.  We were there for several hours.  I’m so sore and tired now.

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Bad pic of car show but good pic of sheriff departments new Chevy.

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One of the roses on the multitude of rose bushes around the parish grounds.

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The latino dinner I had, well, the leftovers, anyway.

And the rain came back but only for the day.

Now I just really need to find a job and soon. Especially if I have lost my benefits.

The Leaves of Mail

Yes, I’m making a really bad pun with the title.  I did finally get mail but it was my medical records and not the hearing decision.  It’s been almost a month and at this point I don’t care.  I still get my benefits which is what matters.

I took a wall this evening after checking the mail.  Fall is in full swing even if we aren’t expected to get rain for a while.  I love the color some trees turn.  I have pictures of the ones that look bright red and yellow but I would have to go several blocks to get the really gorgeous orange ones.  So onto pictures.

Red leaves

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Leaves up close

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Street view, of a sort.  It probably would be better if I had taken these pics during daylight instead of at disk.

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Yellow leaves

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Now I should probably be off to make dinner (lasagna) before I eat all the cookies instead.


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