I went to the doctor for the first time in over three years Wednesday (the state plan that I finally got at the end of June; bureaucracy). Surprisingly, I got to see and keep my doctor I had before. I was able to go back on my meds for the depression which I now have an official diagnosis for; previously it was adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression. (It may be possible that the diagnosis of major depression has more to do with the insurance but then I did tell the doc that I’ve been in tears everday for the last month and have major anger plus I did the inventory and that’s probably why the diagnosis). But hopefully in a few weeks the meds will kick in and the tears will go away.
But I was also weighed (only gone up ten pounds since my last visit but that put me well into the “obese” range). So I was talked to about exercise, which even I admit I need to work on. At least I wasn’t directly told I had to lose weight, so far. I did say I was practicing intuitive eating (I still struggle with this but that’s my focus) and eating lots of veggies (also true) but the exercise/movement part I need to work on. I also have GERD, possible IBS, lactose intolerance, and a just plain cranky digestive system that makes for fun times eating. I also have a lot of stupid ideas about food, health, body, etc that I still deal with.
Then I had my blood drawn. Cholesterol, thyroid, and hemoglobin. Got the results of the first two tests same day. Cholesterol had gone up enough that everything I was reading said it was boderline high. Then the last test and doctor’s notes came today. I’m now diagnosed prediabetic with another diagnosis of obesity. So now I’m told I need to lose weight.
Back to Wednesday. Between the doctor’s visit, the test results, and the possible issue of my new neighbor being a potential drug dealer (where do they find these people), I was upset and freaking out. Now, I know losing weight is a very temporary fix and doesn’t really last long. Diets don’t work. But I certainly had a slight diet mentality/need to restrict myself going on.
I use research as a coping mechanism. It sort of works but if nothing else, it allows me control over something. So I went looking through free apps (who doesn’t like free) to find something to help. I downloaded two: one for my depression (I was looking for a med tracker but didn’t like any that I looked at) and one to go from couch to running a 5k. Now, I’m not someone who runs for fun. Hell, I’m not a runner but this app doesn’t expect perfection from the start. It works with your ability rather than against and starts you moving in increments that build so that you are increasing at a steady rate instead of throwing you right in. I haven’t tried it out yet.
Today, I get the diagnosis of pre diabetes. Not what I wanted to hear. On a curious note, my dad told me well over a decade ago that I was pre diabetic (no clue where he got that from but certainly looks like a self-fulfilling prophecy doesn’t it). Now it seems like I’m a poster child for the medical stereotypes of fat people. I don’t have high blood pressure. I actually have really low blood pressure and always have. But yeah, everything else fits.
As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I’m body positive/fat positive/body acceptance. And I still am. It helped me fight the impulse to go on a diet (the impulse is still there but I don’t have to give into it). But when health issues rear their head like this, it’s tempting to chuck it out the window. I won’t because diets don’t work.
I did look up what could cause cholesterol to go up and going over what I have been eating. While I will be limiting certain things, I’m not going to moralize them into “bad” foods or out in out restrict. They’ll just be less often foods and I’ll just have to be more conscious of when I eat them. Again, working on the intuitive eating. Plus, eating them less often will help my lactose intolerance and my very cranky digestive system. And exercise.
I’ve always equated exercise with weight loss. That if you exercise you should automatically lose weight. While that can be true for some people, for me it hasn’t worked that way. So I don’t exercise. If I’m not going to lose weight, why bother. There’s no benefit.
I’ve learned my body is to be rarely seen and never moved, especially moved in front of other people. So I hate exercising. But I need to move. There’s a lot more going on in my head around this that I need to work on like seeing exercise as something only pretty, rich, thin people do (not true but headspace); that you just have to do it not like it (HAES says doing something you like not doing it out of obligation); that you should center your life on physical beauty only (body positive says otherwise). Add in my inability to find a shirt that fits at Goodwill yesterday and there’s a whole lot of negative headspace. (I did find a really cool scarf/sarong that I bought.) There’s more but this is already a long post.
As for the possible drug dealing neighbor, it’s a bit of wait and see. It’s easy enough to make an anonymous call to the police. At least my kitchen light has fixed itself.