When It All Goes Kerbluey

Not a good day today.  Instead of getting up early like I planned (before noon) I was in bed until 5pm.  Then I found a notice on my door from the apartment manager about unauthorized guests (not me, general warning but this is the first time that anyone had done anything about it).  Then I checked my apartment mail box and found the notice about my late rent (I knew about it and had already mailed it weeks ago).  Add in the whole added on paperwork for my food stamps and the nitpicking by the woman in charge of that paperwork from yesterday.  Oh, and the medium sized spider I wasn’t able to kill before it skeddalded off to hide (again yesterday). Plus, the stupid mouse that I hope is dead but no clue (last month and a half).  And the refrigerator that has decided to start to smell (I know what’s causing it and there’s nothing I can do about; the fridge will fix itself in time) (the last few days).  I was in tears last night and again today.  I was certainly thinking it was the end of the work even though it wasn’t.

The apartment stuff has been dealt with so there’s nothing I can do now.

Food stamp extra paperwork: one form will be signed, I have to find another volunteer opportunity to fulfill the other nine hours I need, update resume again, make lists of professional and personal references (which I kind of already have but this woman wants lists of them yesterday), and wants me to go into excruciatingly tiny detail about my job search and how I apply to jobs on the paperwork I have to file every week.

That woman is driving me bonkers with all her nitpicking and changing rules.  Sounds passive aggressive to me.  On one level I understand she’s trying to help but it still feels like micromanaging and nitpicking that is unnecessary and irrelevant.

I know I will find a job. Yes, it’s been a while but I’m getting interviews more often now.  At this point I just have to keep slogging along and it will happen.

So while the medication for my depression has helped, I’m still having bad days.

The one really good thing: the Chicago Cubs made it to the World Series for the first time in 71 years.  Now they just have to win. Go Cubbies!

When the Fat Hits the Fan

I went to the doctor for the first time in over three years Wednesday (the state plan that I finally got at the end of June; bureaucracy). Surprisingly, I got to see and keep my doctor I had before. I was able to go back on my meds for the depression which I now have an official diagnosis for; previously it was adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression. (It may be possible that the diagnosis of major depression has more to do with the insurance but then I did tell the doc that I’ve been in tears everday for the last month and have major anger plus I did the inventory and that’s probably why the diagnosis). But hopefully in a few weeks the meds will kick in and the tears will go away.

But I was also weighed (only gone up ten pounds since my last visit but that put me well into the “obese” range). So I was talked to about exercise, which even I admit I need to work on.  At least I wasn’t directly told I had to lose weight, so far.  I did say I was practicing intuitive eating (I still struggle with this but that’s my focus) and eating lots of veggies (also true) but the exercise/movement part I need to work on. I also have GERD, possible IBS, lactose intolerance, and a just plain cranky digestive system that makes for fun times eating.  I also have a lot of stupid ideas about food, health, body, etc that I still deal with.

Then I had my blood drawn. Cholesterol, thyroid, and hemoglobin.  Got the results of the first two tests same day.  Cholesterol had gone up enough that everything I was reading said it was boderline high.  Then the last test and doctor’s notes came today.  I’m now diagnosed prediabetic with another diagnosis of obesity.  So now I’m told I need to lose weight.

Back to Wednesday. Between the doctor’s visit, the test results, and the possible issue of my new neighbor being a potential drug dealer (where do they find these people), I was upset and freaking out. Now, I know losing weight is a very temporary fix and doesn’t really last long. Diets don’t work.  But I certainly had a slight diet mentality/need to restrict myself going on. 

I use research as a coping mechanism.  It sort of works but if nothing else, it allows me control over something.  So I went looking through free apps (who doesn’t like free) to find something to help.  I downloaded two: one for my depression (I was looking for a med tracker but didn’t like any that I looked at) and one to go from couch to running a 5k. Now, I’m not someone who runs for fun.  Hell, I’m not a runner but this app doesn’t expect perfection from the start.  It works with your ability rather than against and starts you moving in increments that build so that you are increasing at a steady rate instead of throwing you right in. I haven’t tried it out yet.

Today, I get the diagnosis of pre diabetes. Not what I wanted to hear. On a curious note, my dad told me well over a decade ago that I was pre diabetic (no clue where he got that from but certainly looks like a self-fulfilling prophecy doesn’t it). Now it seems like I’m a poster child for the medical stereotypes of fat people. I don’t have high blood pressure. I actually have really low blood pressure and always have.  But yeah, everything else fits. 

As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I’m body positive/fat positive/body acceptance.  And I still am.  It helped me fight the impulse to go on a diet (the impulse is still there but I don’t have to give into it).  But when health issues rear their head like this, it’s tempting to chuck it out the window.  I won’t because diets don’t work. 

I did look up what could cause cholesterol to go up and going over what I have been eating.  While I will be limiting certain things, I’m not going to moralize them into “bad” foods or out in out restrict. They’ll just be less often foods and I’ll just have to be more conscious of when I eat them. Again, working on the intuitive eating. Plus, eating them less often will help my lactose intolerance and my very cranky digestive system. And exercise.

I’ve always equated exercise with weight loss. That if you exercise you should automatically lose weight.  While that can be true for some people, for me it hasn’t worked that way.  So I don’t exercise. If I’m not going to lose weight, why bother.  There’s no benefit. 

I’ve learned my body is to be rarely seen and never moved, especially moved in front of other people. So I hate exercising.  But I need to move.  There’s a lot more going on in my head around this that I need to work on like seeing exercise as something only pretty, rich, thin people do (not true but headspace); that you just have to do it not like it (HAES says doing something you like not doing it out of obligation); that you should center your life on physical beauty only (body positive says otherwise).  Add in my inability to find a shirt that fits at Goodwill yesterday and there’s a whole lot of negative headspace. (I did find a really cool scarf/sarong that I bought.) There’s more but this is already a long post.

As for the possible drug dealing neighbor, it’s a bit of wait and see.  It’s easy enough to make an anonymous call to the police. At least my kitchen light has fixed itself.

It’s Continuing Mission…

A friend of mine treated me today to the new Star Trek movie. I really loved the interplay between Spock and Bones.  Those two together are too funny. But even with all their fighting you know they are good friends.   I really like Chris Pine as Kirk.  Honestly, the whole cast is just awesome.  Anton Yelchin will be missed.  His Chekov was amazing and sweet and funny.  His accent is just perfect.  I really loved that all the characters got to be kickass not just Kirk.  Just epic awesomeness.

Good twist on the bad guy and how he became a bad guy.  Lots and lots of explosions. Loved it when Bones did his “I’m a doctor, not a…” (I won’t spoil but it was epic).  Loved the “in a pig’s eye” (a reference to the TOS ep “Amok Time”) said by Bones.  There were other goodies.  My Star Trek fanself is very happy.  I totally want to see it again.

A really awesome movie.

Abortion Is A Tool Of Patriarchy

Abortion does not give women freedom over their sexuality or their bodies. Abortion just further enslaves women to Patriarchy and men. Abortion allows men to control women’s bodies and turn them into male bodies for their sexual pleasure. The male body is elevated through abortion. Abortion suppresses the female body and its inherent value.  Abortion allows men to destroy the one creative element that women contain in their sexuality that allows them to generate new life, to build and create civilization. Only women can truly create new life. Men can only participate partially in creating a new life.

Patriarchy loves abortion because it means they can have sex with women without consequences.  If the woman gets pregnant, she can just have an abortion. Patriarchy doesn’t want to be responsible for a child so abortion allows them to have consequence free sex and force women to bear the brunt of men’s sexual activities. The child would be proof of the man having sexual relations and an abortion removes that proof. Abortion allows a man to hide and cover up his “indiscretions” while forcing a woman to suffer the consequences of same. His body is safe and can continue to engage in sexual activities while the woman has to put her body through a “procedure” that kills one person and may easily kill her. And if it does kill her, her death matters not and definitely will not be seen as a result of getting an abortion. And definitely will not be reported as a result of an abortion.  Deaths caused by abortions are the one cause of death in this country that is legally allowed to be covered up and ignored and never investigated. How fair is that to the women who die due to abortion? Their families mourning the losses of not only their daughter, wife, mother, sister but another family member they will never get to meet? To love.

Women’s sexuality is forced into the service of men with abortion. Abortion allows men to dictate how a woman views her body.  Abortion allows men to control and oppress women’s bodies all in service of his sexual urges.  With abortion, a man can have sex with any woman he wants.  Consent becomes irrelevant because the woman has given away her consent and rights when she supports and/or gets an abortion.  Through abortion, patriarchy has convinced women of the lie that they now have control over their bodies and their sexual activities.  Women do not.  Not with abortion. Patriarchy, through abortion and birth control, have gained further control of women and women have permitted this, thinking they have gained freedom when in reality they have become further enmeshed and oppressed. Men get to keep using women as sexual objects and women encourage this by supporting this and willingly turning themselves into sexual objects because they believe this makes them free. 

The Phone Is Dead (Again) Long Live The New Phone

Yes,  I had to get a new phone.  Again.  Went to the phone store and showed what my phone did.  They were impressed and amazed and they had never heard my problem before. They even saw it happen with their own eyes.  So we tried a factory reset. Yeah,  that was even funnier. My phone was under warranty so I just upgraded. Not what I had planned but I kind of figured. Let’s see how long this one lasts before something pops up.

One Of Those Days

So I never did hear from the bureaucracy. I waited all day.  I’ll deal with it on Monday, maybe.  But with how many times I’ve dealt with them in the last few months and they said they would call, all of this is on them. 

I did call the phone company to try and fix my phone.  Calls from someone in my contacts are fine.  Calls from unknown numbers screw up my phone. Hell, the phone company couldn’t call me after I called them, tried to follow the emails they sent me, and had someone call me. I’m going to try to the store tomorrow.  Hopefully, that goes better than this.  I may have to do a reset. Tried to wipe the cache partition  but the instructions I had didn’t work. And I tried many, many, many times.

I talked to my baby sister (hey, I’m the oldest, I can call her anything I want) and found out the reason my mother has decided to cut me off is because my stupid man chasing sister S broke up with her boyfriend that she was living with in Idaho (after breaking up with the New York boyfriend she was living with before) and moved back in with my parents that live in Kansas. And since S is my mother’s favorite, she’s getting the monetary benefit without having to look for work or take responsibility for her actions and behaviors.  Not that S ever has. She’s gotten away with near murder all of her life due to being my mother’s favorite.  Unfortunately, I ended up crying while talking to my sister and explaining why I was having a bad day. And also unfortunately, she passed that on to my mother who texted me again. So I had to deal with her again.

Money has always been an issue that causes me anxiety.  It always has. We weren’t poor growing up. My dad had a really good job with really good benefits. My mother did hate spending money on me and I can recall several incidents growing up where she manipulated me into choosing some trivial item over a necessary item. There were also a lot years where my clothes came from thrift stores while my sisters got all new stuff from from really nice stores.  And I knew at Christmas not to ask for anything I really wanted because I wouldn’t get it or my sister S would get it with my mother rubbing it in my face.  There was the Christmas that my grandmother and her second husband gave my sisters actual presents but gave me soap, then told me I had to pay for the soap, and then took the soap away. My sisters got to keep their presents.  I was told I was ungrateful and that I was going to hell. Then there was the time I was homeless and living out of my car.  Or the times I was behind on student loans (I’ve made my displeasure with the evil student loan company known on this blog before) and had to deal with constant phone calls to collect money I didn’t have because I’d been fired by evil security company. So yeah, money has been an issue for a good portion of my life.

Such Lovely Bureaucracy

Apparently, I’m not meant to get food stamps for another year. The interview didn’t happen. I even waited an extra half hour but no phone call. I’m tired of dealing with the state bureaucracy that is already under investigation for so many things and for so many screw ups.

Then my mother texts me to tell me that I really need to get a job soon because they aren’t going to help me too much longer. I’m honestly trying to find work but once I apply it’s not on me but the company to follow up and decide to interview and hire.

So yes, I’m in tears right having to worry about food and money.  I must have done something bad to deserve all this happening at once.


Type this later, if I remember.

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