Posts Tagged 'modesty'

Dad Delivers Perfect Response to Kindergarten Dress-Shaming His Little Girl: Read His Viral Letter

Remember, it’s always the girl’s fault.   Dress shaming a child all in the name of purity and modesty.  Being female apparently gives license to men and authorities to hurt us ladies and excuse it under the excuse of “protection.”  I call BS. (I get the reason for dress codes but a five year old child isn’t capable of dressing for sexual reasons.  But this is ridiculous.)

http://celebrity.yahoo.com/news/dad-delivers-perfect-response-kindergarten-dress-shaming-little-204000273-us-weekly.html
Move over, Kindergarten Cop! A Houston dad, Jef Rouner, called out his 5-year-old daughter’s school district after her kindergarten class shamed the little girl for wearing a spaghetti-strap dress. “I’m not surprised to see the dress code shaming come into my house,” Rouner wrote.

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Boys and Girls Shouldn’t Be So Modest

I started this as a reply to geoffhorswood on my last post, lost my reply after I went to look something up, and then decided to turn it into a post to give myself more space.

First, I think the big issue is that modesty and dress standards seen to be inordinately focused on girls and women.  Women are told to cover up, to dress modestly, to consider the affect they have on men and that how they dress can cause a man to lust.  I have read a blog post or two that point out boys and men are hurt by modesty/purity doctrine but the focus by and large is on women.

Second, we are talking boys and girls here.  Children who largely don’t know better or are following parents, adults directions.  Clothes for children, by and large, are things to wear or are fashionable.  You only care about what your friends think and maybe which ever adult is your favorite thinks.  It’s a pretty small world of opinions that a kid cares about which is fine since their world that they engage in is pretty small.  They are just kids.

Third, boys and girls are both being bombarded by the same sexist garbage.  Boys are told that they need to be one way and see girls another way.  Girls are told they need to be and act a certain way and that boys are different and shouldn’t act like girls.  Boys get told that girls are there for boys to use and that girls like being used because girls want to be in relationships with boys.  Girls are told that they need to be in a relationship with a boy and if they aren’t then they aren’t a person.  Neither boys or girls are told that they have worth outside of their genitalia.  Or outside what their bodies can physically do.

Forth, normal childhood development isn’t even considered.  Girls and boys go through puberty.  Girls start developing breasts and curves.  Boys start noticing girls are nice to look at where they might have found them icky before.  Even though there are physical differences between girls and boys before puberty, these differences don’t matter much to boys or girls.  There might be the idea that boys have cooties or that girls are icky but that’s more to emphasize that boys aren’t girls and girls aren’t boys, something other but nothing to worry about.

(I have never understood the concept of cooties.  In third grade, when all the other girls refused to go anywhere near boys because of the possibility of cootie contamination, I was friends with boys.  They were more fun and they liked having me around.  I was good at finding things they had lost and they never put me down.  But I still don’t get the idea of cooties and I’m 32.)

Fifth, boys and men are visual, so yes they are going to look at the opposite sex.  There is nothing wrong with looking.  Self-control is necessary but boys haven’t learned it yet.  They know girls are nice to look at and that many girls want to be looked at.  The problem lies in the reason they are looking and the way they are looking.  It’s one thing to notice a girl walking by who looks nice and is dressed nicely.  It’s another thing entirely to stare at that girl and want to undress her because she’s wearing a skirt and a blouse that fits close.

Which leads to number six.

Sixth, is the way words like lust, sex, attraction get defined and used. 

Lust is the disordered desire for sex and/or thinking about a person and using them to become sexually aroused for their own personal pleasure.  But that’s not how lust is usually defined.  Lust seems to end up meaning the finding of a person of the opposite sex attractive or even sexually attractive.  This definition of lust doesn’t refer to disordered desire or an inordinate focus on sex.  This definition focused on normal attraction.  A man can find a woman attractive but not think of her in a sexual way.  This is normal however modesty/purity doctrine says just looking at a woman is almost lust and finding her attractive is lust and that’s like having sex with her which is definitely a sin.

Sex is any act that stimulates and/or involves the genitalia of a person.  Just thinking about a person is not sex or lust.  Finding someone attractive is not sex.  Using a person for your private sexual fantasies is lust and if you self abuse, then it involves sex.

Attraction is finding qualities and/or attributes of a person that you like and possibly admire about that person. A man can find a women with blue eyes attractive.  A man find another man ‘attractive’ because he admires how he treats his family and his coworkers.  There is no sex involved.  Just appreciation and admiration of qualities of a person.  Don’t worry men, you can keep using admire instead of attractive but I’m pointing out that attraction isn’t based merely or solely on sex, if at all, in many cases.  It’s largely about appreciation and admiration.

These  terms gets misdefined or strongly wrongly defined and then get bantered about as if everyone agrees to the same definition.  That’s a major problem.

Seventh, boys and girls are taught to be ashamed of their bodies.  Girls are told that looking like a girl and having curves is a bad thing because boys look at you and therefore you are causing them to lust.  No explanations.  Just blaming.  Boys are taught that girls shouldn’t be looked at because they might like them and will start listing after them because girls dress in a manner that invites lust and boys can’t help it if they lust. 

Girl are taught that they are need to hide their shameful bodies and boys are taught to be victims and helpless.  Both boys and girls are taught wrong.  Neither are guilty.  Both are forced by adults to adhere to their impossible standards.

Both boys and girls need to be taught and reminded that they are human beings made in the image and likeness of God.  They are not objects.  They are not victims.  They are not demons.  They are not destroyers.  They are not helpless.  They can learn how to treat people with respect and dignity.  They can learn to treat themselves with respect and that they don’t have to hold themselves to somebody else’s impossible standards.

But it starts with parents.  I’m not going to point fingers or blame.  I will point out that parents are the first teachers and that they are the ones who kids will listen to first. 

Teach respect. 

Teach boundaries and that they aren’t to be violated. 

Teach not to judge on physical appearances. 

Teach that modesty isn’t about dress codes but about behaviors and attitudes and how we see ourselves in light of our being children of God. 

Teach boys to respect girls and girls to respect boys. 
Model it yourself because actions speak louder than words.

Learn the real definitions of words not what you think a word might mean.  You’ll be smarter and more knowledgeable and won’t make stupid mistakes and maybe better at doing crossword puzzles.

Challenge modesty and purity doctrine and how they are taught to kids and stop the focus from being exclusively on girls and how they dress.

Don’t demand behavior and dress that you don’t do yourself.  Again, actions speak louder than words.

Don’t shame.  Put downs only make you a bully and nobody likes a bully.

Give second chances. Nobody can change overnight.

Support and praise go farther and last longer than shaming and bullying.  Applaud effort.

Remember, just because someone is selling it doesn’t mean you have to but it.  Don’t buy into the lies about sex and clothing and how people are just objects to be used. 
NOBODY IS AN OBJECT.  EVERYONE IS A PERSON ACTUAL AND WHOLE, WORTHY OF DIGNITY AND RESPECT.

Girls Are Sex Objects (And You Better Treat Them That Way)

Yes, the title is provocative but it’s also true.  Two, no, three different blog posts I read on WordPress Reader TODAY have mentioned modesty and how girls dress.  Girls not even teens but prepubescent girls.

The first post was under the Catholic tag and was about modesty.  Anytime religion or faith enters into a discussion about girls and how they dress I an very, very, very wary.  And I’m Catholic   but some take it too far.

It usually ends up being a blame fest pointing the finger at the girls and making them at fault for a man’s actions.  It’s the Professional Weaker Brother Syndrome and it’s a deliberate misinterpretation of a Bible verse which I’m not even going to bother to post here.

Now this a blog post was mostly okay up until the blogger mentioned that men and women are so different that women can’t understand that men are so visual and that women’s fashion are hurting them. 

Hello, No. 

Men are visual but that does not excuse them for their actions, attitudes, and behaviors.  There was more than that but it basically came down to: Women, you are dressing like sluts and hurting our poor, weak men by making them lust and so you hussies need to get with the program and dress how these poor men tell you to dress.  And you should be so ashamed of yourselves for being born female with breasts and curves.  You need to hide and cover up.

And all of this is coming from WOMEN.  How messed up is that?

Then there was the blog post about a dress code for middle schoolers.  The dress code wasn’t so much the problem as the enforcement of it was.  Remember, these girls are 11-14.  But the blogger made very important points.  Girls are being told from a very young age and even in school where they shouldn’t have to deal with theses issues, that their looks are more important than any abilities or talents they might have.

Like I said sex objects.  Girls and women are being assaulted visually and mentally into being sex objects.  Advertisers know sex sells so they use it in everything.  Even toys and clothes for little girls.  We are  being turned into sex objects and told to stay there. Human beings need not apply.

And girls and women get it from all sides.  Christians, Muslims, and Orthodox Jews (believe me, it’s not just Fundy Christians who have dress codes for women) all point to women and outright blame women for men’s behavior.  I know Christian and Muslims back up their unrealistic proscriptions with Bible and Quran verses, respectively.  They focus on how women behave and dress but they also send the message to boys and women that women are constantly setting traps so that men are forced to sin.  Yes, forced because, at least Christians, choose to selectively forget that it is the individual who chooses to sin.  You cannot force a person to sin.  That’s a sin in and of itself.  But then as soon as it involves women, men, and any hint or idea of sex women are automatically at fault no matter if it was the man doing the sinning, as in the case of rape.

Especially in Fundy circles, where boys are indoctrinated at a young age to see women as objects and that anything girls and women do or say or wear can make a man sin, this perverse idea of modesty has taken hold.  Women are objects unless you are married them it’s a person but boys, just as much as girls, are hurt by modesty doctrine.  They are told girls are objects, sex demons that are out to trap them, that they aren’t to think about sex or their body or anybody’s body because that’s lust and sin but then it all becomes okay after you get married and that being married means you will have awesome sex all the time and lust will never be a problem and then you have ALL sorts of problems.

Worse, this has leaked into secular culture.   Preteen girls are being told they can’t wear this or that because they have hit puberty which means breasts have started growing and other physical changes.  Girls and women are being punished for being born female.  They aren’t supposed to dress indecently but then are punished for dressing like a girl.  

It’s not just dress codes.  It’s about sex and gender.  Feminists can argue all they want that women are better treated than they were a hundred years ago, two hundred years ago but really, in many ways, things haven’t changed.  Or they have gotten worse.  Women are expected to turn themselves into sex objects and are punished, usually by OTHER WOMEN, when these women refuse to and instead, see themselves as living, beating human beings worthy of dignity and respect.  Worse, many feminists are guilty of telling women to dress like sluts and them slut shaming these women for doing what the feminists tell them to do.

So, like I said, all sides. Women aren’t objects and it’s a lie that  women and girls are being force fed from a young age.  Dress like a women and you will upset a whole bunch of people.  Christians will say you causing man to sin and that you are a stumbling block.  Secular authorities tell you that you are causing problems for boys.  Feminists say you can dress how you want but then shame you no matter how you dress.

So it sucks to be a women.  You are at fault for EVERYTHING.  Turn yourself into an object.  Many men, and even some women, will be happy that you are a sex object they can use and discard for their pleasure.  Many men, and a whole lot more women, still think you are an object but an object of shame and ridicule, something to be made an example of and then thrown in the trash.

Women are not objects.  We are people, actual and whole.  Our exterior appearance is part of us but it isn’t all of us.  We are more than the sum of our external parts. We are not objects to be used but people who want to be loved and cared for, for who we are as a whole, not for some little piece of us.

How we dress is not that important though it may reflect that person’s personality.  We are not breasts and butts for you to ogle.  You have no right to judge how we dress or how we look or if we have the right body parts or not.  You do not get to judge or look at my body for your own depraved desired and then blame me for existing. You do not get to decide if I am pretty or not, attractive or not.  You do not get to decide if I am worth fucking or not.

I am not an object.  I am a woman with talents and abilities.  I will dress however I want.  I am not here to serve your depraved desires or to “serve” you in any way.  I will not listen to your stupid judgments about me, about how I dress, about how I look, about how pretty or not I am.  I will not let you have a say in my life.

Like the poster said, I am Me and I am Okay.

Writing A Bad Day

I had to write this out with paper and own because I was in such a bad headspace earlier.  I write this in just over an hour with several crying jags and moments of extreme anger that resulted with me hitting myself.  Like I said, not a good headspace.

Today is one of my bad days.  One of my really bad days.  So bad for a moment I was so suicidal I nearly had the knife to my wrist.  Didn’t do it of course but I was that close.

Right now I am so sulk of anger anger at myself.  I keep hitting myself.  I was reading Nice Girl Syndrome and all I can think, all that’s going through my head is anger, how useless, how worthless I an, how I need to punish myself that learning to stand up for myself  bitchy, narcissistic thing to do.  I just need to be a nice, obedient, silent, submissive girl and then things will work out alright, Good will finally love me.  Then I go to Catholic.Answers Forums where all the talk is about Pope Francis and his desire for a deeper theology of women.  Just about everyone in the Trad forum think that means every American Catholic woman wants ordination because they haven’t been properly catechized to understand they should only be submissive wives and mothers and that should be the only thing they want.  Everything else is a blasphemy and damns people to hell.

There are several women posters who advocate this, even demonizing women who don’t agree with them or their views.  They want women to be submissive doormats men need bigger roles in the Church since more women work in the parishes then men.  Well, yeah, because who v else will work for little while slaving away to carry on the faith.  There’s no real money in parish work and women are willing to do the work while men work in the secular world where they get paid more.  Of course, posters refuse to acknowledge thus; they think if they get rid of the women then the men would come back and take over everything.   Yeah, that’s not going to happen.  Add in the abuse scandals, societal and religious perceptions and expectations of women, plus the pay level, men are not going to do much parish work.  Now that.doesn’t mean they’re absent.  They still do things like Knights of Colombus,  fundraisers, Boy Scouts, physical labor but they aren’t going to become secretaries, assistants, catechists, DREs.  It’s not because they can’t but they know women are better at relationships since they.are trained to be so from birth and men recognize on some level that the ability to foster and.maintain a relationship is important especially in teaching.  Doesn’t mean men are leaving the faith or are absent but understanding how to effectively use the resources and talents you have for the benefit of the whole parish instead of just one person highlights that we are a community of  believers, not just a slapdash group of individuals thrown together.

I find it fascinating and appalling that it’s largely WOMEN who complain about women volunteering and working in parishes.  It’s largely WOMEN who enforce destructive ideas of modesty, sexuality, marriage, abusive relationships. 

It’s WOMEN who slut shame other women for wearing pants, swimsuits at the pool, dressing so that they look attractive, for not being in a burqa.  They are also the ones who fat shame women who don’t fit an ad agency’s idea of the female figure of a supermodel. 

It’s WOMEN who slut shame women for recognizing that they are sexual beings, for enjoying sex within marriage, for not fulfilling their impossible beliefs about Catholic/Christian motherhood/wifehood that had many children with extreme purity where bodies are ashamed just for existing, for even liking guys, for being human, for recognizing that women have bodies, for not following their extreme ideas about purity.

It’s WOMEN who abuse shame women to enter into abusive relationships that are considered “godly” and “biblical” because the man lords it over the girl (girls never become an adult in this world) and abuses her I’m god’s name a decreed by the pastor.

It’s WOMEN who beat women into believing that it is their fault if a boy lusts after a girl, if a husband cheats on his wife, if a woman is raped, if someone in their life comes out gay.  It’s a woman’s fault that men rape, hit, are gay and if only women dressed in burqas, stayed under the power of their fathers/husband, first time obedient, never.question, never educated, then men would be perfect and God might like women but only through men because women are so despicable that they can’t be loved or liked by God, only by Man.

I’m just so angry and taught the only person I could be angry with is myself so I learned to turn that anger on myself and turn it inward. I still think punishing myself would make things better, would make my abusive narcissistic love me, make God love me.  If I just kept the rules fundies/traddies had then maybe God would finally notice me and maybe, very small maybe, love me.  If I just dress modestly, married a man who beat me and raped me, was a stay at home mother who didn’t actually homeschool because the boys would all become priests and go to a boy school (since I can’t have any authority over men and boys are just young men)while I taught the girls how to keep house since that’s all they need to know, always praying the Rosary but keeping silent otherwise, and spanking the children since beating kids is biblical.

If I did all this, then maybe I would be good Catholic woman and God would love me.  Because, right now, by not doing any if this I’m going straight to hell and God is gleefully running his hands together in anticipation of my burning for eternity.

According to Catholic fundies/traddies.

Hey, rules work, don’t they?  Drivers over traffic laws, students obey school policies.  Therefore, rules work.  Do arbitrary abusive rules work? No, but we keep them anyway and enforce them thinking that if we only get them right this time everything would be okay.  Bad things won’t happen, God will finally love me.

And God have us rules, right?  And if we just keep them then we get to go to Heaven.  Right? Yes, there are the Ten Commandments and the Jews have 613 commandments but even they recognize that they can’t keep them perfectly.

I’m still angry, raging.  All 
I can do right now when thought of women just need, I just need to remember that I am damned, that I shouldn’t have the right to vote, should not have an education or a career, that women just need to learn their place a inferior worthless brings good for only being wives and mothers and women should be punished for their being anything but a wife and mother.  I keep wanting to post on CAF  on how women should learn their place, that rape and abuse should be made legal, that women who get any kind of education needs to be beaten, that disobedient wives, need to be spanked, that  women are property and we need to remember this has always been the teaching and we need to go back to this teaching otherwise the world.and Church will suffer.

Remember, all the evoking the world is the result of women.  All I can do is hit myself because I have a need to punish myself because if I punish myself then things would be alright.  I deserved.to be punished,.to be beaten, to be spanked.  I have so much anger maybe if it was beaten out of me then I wouldn’t have it anymore.  I deserve hell.  God cannot possibly love something so utterly evil as me.  I hate myself.  I just wish God did too because it would make it all easier.  I know I’m not lovable.  Why doesn’t He? Why can’t he let me die? I’m so worthless, so evil, so angry.  If He would just punish me, I would finally understand my place with Him.  This loving and forgiveness thing isn’t working out for me.  I can’t be loved.  My mother doesn’t love me.  My dad doesn’t love me.  I don’t love me.  I just can’t get away from it, from me.  I can’t suffer in peace.  I deserve to due and go to.hell.  That’s what everyone keeps telling me.  That’s what I tell me.

I hate this headspace. At least there is an answer to the fundies/traddies: THAT IS NOT CHURCH TEACHING.  Fundies/traddies are a bunch of liars and have gotten in my head.  I want them gone.

To the Fundies/Traddies in my head:

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD YOU LYING, THIEVING, CHEATING HYPOCRITES.

YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR GOD OR THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN FUNDAMENTALIST ISLAMISTS.  NOBODY LIKES YOU.  YOU JUST MAKE YOURSELF SOUND STUPID.  YOU ARE STUPID IDIOTS THAT ARE MORE OBSESSED WITH TEMPORAL THINGS INSTEAD OF THE ETERNAL ONE.

WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

WE WANT LOVE, GRACE, FORGIVENESS NOT JUDGEMENT, CONDEMNATION, ABUSE. 

YOU DO NOT SERVE GOD.  YOU SEEN TO SERVE YOURSELF.  SO SHUT UP.  GOD, JESUS, POPE FRANCIS, AND THE CHURCH CAN SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES AND THEY AREN’T SAYING THE GARBAGE YOU ARE.  SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

ANGER IS OKAY.  USING IT AS AN EXCUSE IS NOT.

HAVING RULES IS OKAY.  ARBITRARY ABUSIVE RULES ARE NOT.

A WELL FORMED CONSCIENCE IS NECESSARY. SHAMING IS NOT.

SUFFERING THE CONSEQUENCES IS NECESSARY.  BEATING, SPANKING, AND PUNISHMENT ARE NOT.

BOUNDARIES ARE NECESSARY AND VERY HEALTHY. VIOLATING THEM IS NOT.

BUILDING PEOPLE UP IS GOOD.  TEARING THEM DOWN US NOT.

LOVE NOT HATE IS THE WAY OF JESUS CHRIST.

Seven pages of handwriting.  That was my headspace several hours ago and has been my headspace too many times.  I hate it.  I don’t want to go there again.

Follow up: Men Get Hurt by Modesty too

This post on Darcy’s Heartstrings is a wonderful exploration of the fact that modesty teachings also hurt men.  I’m glad there are people out there who recognize this and are pointing it out.

http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2013/06/how-modesty-teachings-hurt-men-too.html

I bring all these things up (this post and the previous) because they can be part of the multitude of reasons people suffer from mental health issues.  I know for me that running into this garbage on Catholic forums was deeply hurtful to me and caused my anxiety and depression to be nearly overwhelming.  Staying away from that forum and finally realizing that it was a layperson’s opinion and not the Church’s was very helpful.  I still have to deal with it if I go near those forums or read particular blogs or websites.  I find trusting Mother Church much easier and a lot less anxiety causing because she is a lot more understanding and forgiving of her children than her children can be of their siblings.  She is much more interested in the whole person rather than some superficial outside. 

There’s a lot more freedom in trusting the Church than in listening to loudmouth “experts.”

Modesty and the Catholic/Christian Need to Blame Women

Because you know everytime a man sins it’s a woman’s fault.  Especially when it comes to modesty, purity, dress, sex, etc.

The link here from Wordgazer’s Words is so spot on about how (in this case) evangelicals (and Catholics do it to) misinteprete Scripture to blame women when men lust after them.  She points out how lusting is a choice an individual makes, not something someone else can make you do.  Get that? Lusting is a choice. Just go and read the link.  It’s a worthwhile read.

http://krwordgazer.blogspot.com/2013/08/christian-cliches-dont-cause-your.html?m=1

Yet many Catholics, especially women would continue to put the blame on a woman for “dressing immodestly” then understanding that it is a choice to lust.  Because men can do no wrong and those women in pants are just sluts with wombs.  Thankfully, not all Catholics are like that. Women and men.  It’s just a small unfortunately vocal fringe group that think a woman that shows any kind of skin (even *gasp* elbows) is entirely sexual in nature.

That’s another thing: men are told that just looking at a beautiful woman is lusting. That a man just looking at a woman is inherently sexual in nature. That people can’t look at each, even in just scanning a room or seeing the family in front of you at Mass, without it being arousing.  A little too much sex on the brain is what I think.

How did everything become about sex? No, really.  When did everything become about sex and how sex is everywhere and how sex, even in marriage, is dirty and really only good for babies (if you’re a woman) but it’s okay to enjoy if you’re a man and can get it whenever you want no matter what because you’re married and your wife is your property to do with as you please?

Yes, I’ve seen this.  This is not Catholic teaching.  I understand that the media is saturated with sex and it’s forced on children at a young age.  But the severe and extreme reaction some Catholics and Christians have had to this is just as bad if not worse.

Purity balls, purity pledges, courtship, purity culture, sex talks that use used gum/candy/flowers/etc. for girls, modesty rules, rape culture.  These things all hurt women, hurt children because it falsely puts the onus of responsibility on victims and takes away their rights as human beings. 

Girls become objects to trade and sell (courtship as practiced by Quiverfull/Patriarchy families) with little to no voice and where abuse is giving sweet smelling names such as “submission” and “complementarianism.” 

Purity becomes a litmus test of who’s popular and who’s not (popular, as in courting, nay coveting external opinion on who’s the holiest and most perfectly perfect Christian™ and has all their shit smelling like roses while those who struggle or have even fallen are looked down upon and even abused).

Modesty isn’t about covering what’s necessary. It’s about judging your neighbor and making sure that they come out last because you are so much holier and a “real Christian™/Catholic™” than they ever will be.  It’s about telling other people what to do and saying that if you were a “real” … then you wouldn’t wear pants/ would wear dresses all the time/would cover your head all the time because it says so in the Bible and the Bible is God’s word and we can’t go disobeying God, now can we?   It’s about enforcing your own dress and fashion code that is truly “godly” and “holy” and will help our poor, struggling brothers, now won’t it?

And all of this leads to rape culture and blaming the victim because if they had just followed all these things then the rape/abuse/molestation/beating/etc. would never have happened because these things will make you immune to such things. Not caring or even acknowledging that these things typically cause or even cover up rape/abuse/etc.  These beliefs, the people who believe them and propogate them do not in anyway comprehend that they hurt real living, breathing, feeling people.

And that is the entire point of this rant: people are being hurt by people using God as their justification to do so and saying that God endorses and supports what they are doing. 

Sounds like abuse to me.

Darkness and Light

I finally get to go back on my medication.  I went to the doctor this morning and found out that I should have been able to pick up the next phase in my medication but it wasn’t made clear to me.  It totally sucked to find that out.  It also sucked to find out that I needed to tell the pharmacy tech that I had a 90 day  supply and not a 30 day supply to pick up.  I was in tears most of the morning.  But at least I get to go back on the medication.  That should help because this past week has been Hell.

Up till this week, it had been years since I had any sort of suicidal thoughts but this weeks brought about those thoughts.  Thankfully, I didn’t have them long or act on them but they were still there and they still happened.   That’s a really fucked up week.

We have a real ass at work.  I already have to deal with chauvinistic pig (a “man” who sees women as objects to please him sexually) and a misogynistic pig ( “man” that sees women as less than and worthless than men and as property and not people) at work, now I’ve got another pig who is a misogynistic pig that is also a bully and a tattle tale.  I have to give this “man” a break in the morning but he refuses to leave (which is against state law, I think, and our post orders), talks down to me, treats me like I’m an idiot, and tells me how to do my job when I’ve worked there longer and know more than he does.  But I’m not the only one he does this to.  He’s also been a bully to other coworkers (male) and harasses our supervisors (though the one doesn’t care) but until he does something really egriguous he won’t be fired.  He’s taken the tactic of wearing us down so that it gets to the point that we are so tired of dealing with him that we won’t say anything so that he gets away with all this since all we want to do is do what we have to and then leave.

Thursday I got so fed up with his attitude that I told him that he needed to leave for his break (like I said this is the rule) and that if he didn’t leave then I was going to leave and he wasn’t going to get a break.  He whined at me that it was cold out.  Well, duh but if I have to work out in it and in much worse weather, he can walk out in it for a few minutes.  He has his jacket on but no, he whined.  I told him he needed to leave.  He told me I could call the supervisor and tell him that he wouldn’t leave.  I told him again that he needed to leave otherwise he wouldn’t get a break and I would leave.   He told me he wasn’t leaving and I told him fine, then he wasn’t getting a break and then left.  He then calls the supervisor to whine about me.  The supervisor then talks to me that I needed to give this asshole a break, in the future, and that if he didn’t want to leave that was okay.  He also said that if he didn’t want a break that was okay but I still needed to write it down in my log that he took one  (which is illegal since our logs are legal documents and that would be perjury and fraud and against the law because he legally has to take a break).  I felt that this asshole was being given all the consideration and I was the one being punished.  I hate how bad coworkers are rewarded and good coworkers are ignored or punished for their bad coworkers bad behavior.  I know all this will turn into something really bad but I’ll be the one hurt and the asshole will get off scot free.

Then there was this thread at CAF and all I wanted to do was give voice to the narcissistic, self-righteous, wrathful asshole that has become a voice in my head.  I wanted to log in under a fake handle and tell her that yes, her daughter is immodest, should be learning how to be a wife and mother not involved in worldly concerns and that these people were right in breaking off the friendship because not only was the daughter bad but the mother is horrible as well. That nasty voice wanted to tell her that her daughter needed to be in dresses all the time as well as her while wearing veils, that Facebook was of the devil, that they both needed to understand that being a wife and mother was the only thing a girl was good for, that they needed to stick permanently to the EF parish because OF parishes are hotbeds of immorality and heresy, and that her and her husband needed to find their daughter a husband fast and have her married as soon as she turned 18.  They also needed to spank her (so what if she is 16) and restrict all her outside access to just Mass and Adoration.  She should not be allowed friends at all.  Her family was all the friends she needed.  She was already in the devil’s clutches and that meant she was leading men and her friends into sin.  They needed to get back on the real Catholic track and things would be right.  Homeschooling wasn’t enough.  They needed to be completely cuff off from all evil influences.

I hate that voice but that voice is now there from the traditionalists, the whole quiverfull/patriarchy garbage that I have read and come in contact with.  What’s worse is that the quiverfull/patriarchy garbage has seeped into Catholic circles especially homeschool and traditionalist circles.  You can see some of it in these friends of the thread’s OP and in other threads on CAF.  I don’t know why this garbage is so exciting and enticing but it is.

This garbage promises control and power and the right path to God and holiness and being better and truly Catholic than Catholics.  You see it every time a new Michael Voris video comes out.  The traditionalists support his rhetoric and name calling and condemning of fellow Catholics and definitely priests and those that see Voris what his video and rhetoric really are are shot down, called heretics and liars and Protestants, and  doing all the same stuff that make Voris problematic to say the least.  Traditionalists don’t crave truth, they crave being right and public adulation for being right and true “Catholics” all the while demeaning and even hurting other Catholics for not agreeing with them.  This thread talks about this pretty well.  Traditionalists are extremely focused on the external thinking this is all that matters when it comes to determining the real Catholic from the Protestant.  They don’t care that the Church Herself allows a lot of variety in prayer and worship.  To traditionalists, external reality determines not only internal reality (which it rarely, if ever, does) it also determines the need for everyone to conform and  who is really a REAL CATHOLIC and who is not.  Actually, traditionalists want conforming and uniformity not unity.  They don’t understand that unity and uniformity don’t mean the same thing.  They don’t want them to be separate things.

For unity and uniformity to be separate things, then they would have to accept that there is more than the EF, more than prayers in Latin, more than living in 1960 with every family like that in Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best.  They are so stuck on externals that they don’t see the trees for the forest.  Uniformity means that everything is going the way they want it and doing what they want.  They want clones and automatons not real individuals.  Individuals are to be despised and forced into conformity not appreciated and grateful for being made individuals by God.  Traditionalists are trying to dictate to the Church and to God on how they want to run the Church, which is funny since this is what they accuse other Catholics of doing.

Reading how the rod verse means understanding and developing the child’s abilities and talents from this post by Elizabeth Esther had me in tears.  When all you were taught was fear and terror and pain, having your abilities and talents recognized is hard to handle or consider because that would mean that you were seen as a person worthy of love and respect not an object to be reviled and punished.  I have a hard time understanding or even accepting or even considering that I have talents and abilities.  I wasn’t encouraged to have dreams and the dreams I had very squashed and reviled.  Even right now I have no dreams for the future because the one dream I had and nurtured was dashed repeatedly.  What’s the point in having dreams when all they are going to be is destroyed.  I don’t have dreams.  All I care about now is surviving and getting through the work week.  I have no future.  No possibility of advancement or achievement, no possibility of doing anything useful with my life.

I was raised to fear everything which colors my life so much today.  I look at the things I’ve done like graduate with two different bachelor’s degrees or travel abroad and wonder how I even achieved those kinds of things because all I ever heard was that I was a failure and that I wouldn’t amount to anything.  I did everything to please my parents especially my mother but it was never enough.  I was never smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, good enough, helpful enough, etc.  I didn’t act exactly as she wanted.  I wasn’t a boy.  I wasn’t perfect though I certainly acted that way thinking it would help.  I was always afraid.  Always afraid to set her off.  Always afraid of doing something wrong and I would be punished and screamed at.  The spanking wasn’t nearly as bad as the screaming.  My mother loved to scream at me.  She loved to shame me and make me feel guilty for every little thing. I still feel that shame today.  I still heap that shame on myself.

I mess up and I blame myself, telling myself I am a failure, that I should have done better, that I knew better and shouldn’t have done it, that I shouldn’t eat that or I needed to lose weight because I am so fucking fat, that I am going to Hell for not being good enough, that God hates me and can’t love me because I’m such a screw up and that if I wasn’t such a horribly evil person things would be so much better, that all the bad stuff that happens like traffic are punishment for my screws up like getting up late and getting to work on time rather than twenty minutes early.  Any more I feel like I need to be punished.  That if I was punished then everything would be better.  That my mother would finally love me.  That I would have friends.  That God would finally love me.  That I would be acceptable as a person.

But I am not punished and I think that I so far gone that I can’t be saved, can’t be helped.  I feel that I need to be punished for God to really love me since that’s how my mother worked.  She spanked me and screamed at me therefore she loved me, right?  I ruined her life when I was sick as the age of six but she didn’t get rid of me like she always threatened.  She kept saying I was going to hell for being a bad girl but I’m already in hell so I’ll never be a good girl even though I was very much the good girl for a very long time.  I thought being the good girl would keep me safe from punishment but it didn’t.  I expect to be punished for every little screw up and sin so even as an adult I have to see bad things as punishments for my very bad decisions (I’m not capable of making good decisions) by God.  I only learned about a God who punishes, not a God loves, well a God who loves everyone else but me.  I’m not lovable.  I’m only good for being punished.  I need to be punished.  Why doesn’t God really punish me like I deserve?  Give me a terrible, incurable disease.  Cause me to be a horrible accident where I lose all physical function.  Kill me.  Punish me. That’s all I deserve.  Love is only for good people.  I am not a good person.  Never have been.  I deserve to die not to live.  Isn’t that what everybody wants?

I hate that I am in this place.  These last few weeks have been hell and this past week pure hell, so bad that I have considered suicide.  Depression is no fun.  I don’t think it will ever get better.  This hell is where I will always live.  That’s what it feels like.

 


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